ashes to dust

The whisper brushed across her eyelash like a butterfly in slow motion
a gentle, solemn smile crossed her lips
she immediately felt a guilty pit in her stomach and closed her eyes

she could hear the music drifting from main street
"Don't go chasing waterfalls..."
and it echoed around the metal carrier being observed

the minister looked up and down again to the notecard in his Bible
the glasses slipping slightly down his nose
reciting words that all had heard before

Ashes and dust, she thought, we return to the earth,
yet protect remains in a metal box
a tribute, a place that can be visited. She did not know if it was curious or not.

The man spoke of death being a beautiful part of life
she saw her aunt place eye drops in her eyes
and her brother look down sternly as he quickly wiped side of his cheek

her heart was covered in gauze and placid confusion
she barely heard the words
and could not find the tears behind her eyes

she kept noting the small, bizarre things that affected her stomach
the smell of fresh caught earthworms
as if it was seeping over the smell of dusty fake flowers and old women's perfume

so much seeming between those carrying tears and those staring on
the box on the metal frame
above the deep hole that should be there and yet appeared out of place

I would not like to return here for death, she thought
not even my own
and she closed her eyes, keeping her arms hugged close to her body

Until it was finally over.

A Pause in the Rushing Summer

The heat settles on the pavement, my children run and play along with the time. They enjoy a splash in the cool water of the lake while Mom and Dad try to fish. I take a photograph against the Colorado sunset sky during a constantly interrupted nature walk. I read a story as the night sets outside the curtains and the children dream of unicorns. So much time to enjoy but it always goes too fast.

I wear a skirt to combat the heat as we enjoy the shops and vendors at the Renaissance fair. I fix my daughter's dress which has been torn. I want to be angry, but she plays so hard, so rough, laughing all the way. I would much rather a rowdy, playful child than I would a clean and proper dress.

My daughter has her first moments in camps, making friends, laughing, journalling, and I find new reason to be proud of her every day.

My son learns to pedal his bike, takes his first swings at t-ball, and is nearly swimming. His smile is so bright, and I can only laugh when I see how goofy he is to wearing his Batman suspenders.

I have an angel and a clown, a tomboy and a prince, a scientist and a storyteller, and I could not be happier.

Then they fight. Sibling tittering that would drive the sweetest grandma in the world entirely bonkers approaching rage.

I find solace in the eyes of my love despite the struggles of the work that never gets done and the list of to-dos that fall to the wayside as the summer rushes on. He has learned to enhance my heart, he has the ability to pause a perfect moment and makes me capable, important and loved when I'm beginning to doubt myself.

He wears a matching shirt with my son, and he doesn't know it, but I revel when I see him beam as they show off their shirts--my two dear comedians.

When I am at peace, I am in the moment. When I leave my focus, I only see the things that aren't getting done, the endless worry, and the thought that I will never catch up with the list I must complete.

Then I sit back as the grill simmers and realize that the important things are getting done--there's not as much to worry about as I thought.

I just wish the summer wasn't passing so quickly. I want to marinade in the moments as my children grow, as my darling makes me laugh, and as the wind brushes my hair in the cool evening air on the patio. These are the things I will keep with me.

Tick Tock

Do you hear the clock tick tick tocking away?

It's slower today
Your perception of time is slowed
Excited for a three day weekend

And so the burden of the seconds
Is melting forward
Each second a frozen ice cube waiting to thaw

Work has been incredibly productive today

No extra calls
Mostly left messages and emails sent
Awaiting reply

Vacation has already started for the others

But you're sitting
A slave to the clock created of your excitement
But do not worry

The three day weekend is on the horizon

Hopefully the seconds don't speed up too much!

Important Nonsense

I laugh much more now

I rarely feel like crying 

but when I do

the tears fall instead of welling up in my heart as anger

I'm less self conscious

less likely to pick at my own mistakes

I appreciate my oddity

instead of hiding 

I'm not ashamed of the things that matter to me

There's no need to be self conscious

in the gaze of your love

in the admiration of the children

I handle it all so well.

I don't remember a time that I've been this together

at peace with myself

instead of struggling, wondering, wishing

that I had some talent of another person

envious of another life, another past

It was all so exhausting

But everything is brighter

The little stresses are merely there

just another task

instead of a massive mountain never to be on the summit of

Now when I say that everything is possible

I actually believe it

Taking Pay it Forward One Step Further

I know there are organizations like the Make a Wish foundation that grant wishes to children with cancer and other harsh life conditions and project like Extreme Makeover that honor people/organizations who have done extraordinary things in the community or have special circumstances, but what about an organization that works to make the dreams of ordinary people come true?

I often think about what I would do with extra time or extra money, and when I fantasize about having that ability, all I can think about is the look on a person's face when something that they never expected to happen but that they'd dreamed about actually came true.

For one of my friends, I think it would be going to a concert of her favorite musician as a surprise for her birthday.

For another, it would be a van so that he could take his act on the road.

Everyone has small, attainable dreams that we don't think about because it is frivolous or life just moves too fast to make the plans.

I love seeing supportive funds pop up to help bands make their dreams or people entering a fundraiser 10k for a disease that needs more awareness.

I would like to see more people, more groups, more humanity out on the streets and looking for the next smile to make someone's day.

For some people, it's as easy as a cup of coffee or making a cake on her birthday. For others, it's getting to watch the big fight on the big screen. I think more of life needs to be about making dreams come true.

I think I'm going to be preoccupied with this one for awhile.

(If you know of any organizations that do what I'm taking about--I'd love to know!)

With Love, Anonymous

Other people used to have the ability to ruin or make me question my friendships or relationships. I was worried about what they said, what they thought, and I always felt like there was a large group of people making fun of me, criticizing my next predicted move, and I don't know what is different now, but I'm more puzzled than concerned when I feel criticized by others. 

 My mistakes have created a beautiful, loving cataclysm of a life. I have done so many things wrong, it's a wonder I'm still standing. 

Things feel right now though. 

I know I used to worry about what was best for friends of mine, when they were moving to fast, or making decisions I didn't understand. I'd like to apologize for that now--being on the receiving end of unfounded and incredibly biased judgment is ridiculous. 

I can see where a disconnect between facts and emotion can cause people to become nervous, but I think it's sad that as a friend or a family member, our first instinct is to tear something apart, criticize it, or mix it with elements of a failed past. 

I want to make a new goal. I want to be the kind of loving person who is there to support those I care about.  I need to let go of my initial impressions and criticism and trust people to make the best decisions for their lives. Maybe, in turn, I can be granted the same courtesy.

I want to say that I'm hurt by the postulation that by meeting someone spring of last year, dating them seriously after the summer, and deciding to get engaged this spring means that I'm out of touch, materialistic, or manipulative. These things were said by someone I do not know to the person I love, under an anonymous guise of friendship.  I take it with a grain of salt, but I have to wonder if I would have thought the same thing about a girl like me if I looked only at the facts of the situation?

I used to wonder what people thought of the ways my life changed, the mistakes I made, and the way I felt. When I let go of that, when I was working on being happy, when I was bettering myself--I found the kind of love that I didn't truly believe existed. I had stopped believing in the kinds of magic and hope and beauty that I wanted so desperately for my children to keep believing in. 

All at once, everything changed. I let go of remorse and fear and wanting to be seen a certain way by others. I let go of my mistakes and embraced the lessons I'd learned. I learned to say that I was sorry when I was wrong instead of getting angry.

And, all at once, I was in love.

Known each other a year and engaged?

Outrageous or magical? 

Crazy or beautiful?

Mistake or best decision ever made?

For me, magical, beautiful, and the best decision I've ever made (aside from becoming a mother). I know that the people who care about me will be happy for me. I know that the people who want to be dramatic will judge me. They may even talk about me. 

The wonderful thing about it is that they're not me, nor living my life, or knowing my heart. I've given my heart to someone I love and I have no hope of ever getting it back.

So insult me, talk about me, call me crazy and horrible, but in your disdain, I hope you find your own love. When you find it, you'll realize how stupid it was to worry about the decisions of others. 

Find happiness. Find love. Find the magic.

We're All Excited for the End of the Work Week

Which is why Friday feels like two or three days in one.

The hours are dragging today. This gives me WAY too much time to think. I was so excited about it being Friday this morning that I was a bit too efficient in handling my workload.

It's so pretty outside, can't I please go out and play?

I've been on and off about motivation recently. I think, even though I'm improving in physical fitness and I'm reach more small tasks on my to-do list, I am over-critical of what I'm able to accomplish.

I'm still having trouble gauging how to use my time wisely and efficiently without driving myself absolutely bonkers.

I'm also noticing that I don't spend very much time socially with other women. I used to think that it was because most of my female friends when I was younger left so many wounds with the knives they lodged into my spinal tissue whilst I was distracted, but I'm starting to think that I really never learned how to make a concerted effort to truly stabilize my female friendships.

Maybe that should be my personal development goal. I'm well on the way to trying--putting together a baby shower for a friend and accepted a work social invitation to go out for tea. I'm relatively terrified by both--I just want to do thing right and have people like me.

Wanting to be liked--hasn't changed since elementary school. The kicker is, you can never actually know if people like you. I always want to know if people like me. It's hard to tell the difference between funny and awkward.

How do you build friendships? I know spending time can be a major component, but there's a lot more to it.

I really wish I'd been like my parents...they have a group of friends from college that stuck with them that they usually see at least once a month. I can't get a game night organized twice a year with the same people. Is it my generation or my people skills?