It's another Saturday night, but I can't see the moon, and I'm certainly not headed over to the twist & shout. Honestly, I wish that I was. It's interesting how when things started working out for me professionally, the people that had been standing by me seemed to flake out, become distant, and withdraw support.
Maybe I'm the only one that sees it that way, but I've worked really hard this week. I have a paycheck and two children who had a great time with me today to show it, but my world is shrinking again.
A few people I trusted have really hurt me this week. I would say that cutting and running was a wise decision, and it probably was, but there's an empty space there for me. I don't know whether it's great that I've learned to break cycles of abuse or worse that I've learned how to cope with breaking my own heart.
I try to tell myself that I'm not afraid to be alone, that single people are happier, and I don't need anything else in my life, but I know that I crave interaction. I don't have close enough friends who want to come by often enough that it still seems we're friends. I don't tell the friends I seem to have how much it hurts when they ditch out on me. For a girl that rearranges my life to make it to the events for the people I care about, I can honestly say the favor is rarely returned.
I know that people don't mean to sleight me. I think they generally care about my well being and want my life to be full of good things. I'm not sure that outside of family and two very caring individuals who do show up for me, I have any real friends, just a pool of acquaintances that I enjoy spending time with.
Work this week hasn't made it easier--I feel nervous as the new girl, trying to fit a bit, be fun, and ultimately mostly ignored. I totally get it, it takes time to get to know people, but that doesn't change that despite my financial and family situation improving, I feel very alone.
There is something strange about this loneliness, however; I used to judge my life when I felt like this. The world seemed to be ending and I was worthless--I don't feel like that now. I don't mind working on art alone at night watching the television because I'm hoping it's temporary. I send out a few texts to attempt to stay connected. I fall asleep fine. My world's not ending. It's just not complete. I feel like a puzzle missing a few pieces. I find myself wondering if I'll ever have all of the pieces, complete in the puzzle, at the same time. I hope so.
A while ago, I heard about a book called The Five Love Languages. According to the author, a person's love language is the way in which they prefer to give and receive love. I haven't read the book, but I did glance over the website and take the little quiz to identify my own love language. My love language, by a landslide, was/is quality time. So, I can relate to your feeling of incompleteness, when people show a lack of interest in spending time with you. I am fortunate to have several good friends; but, I met most of them in college, and they are therefore scattered across the country. My life has also been low in quality time with friends, of late. I don't judge myself for being alone, either. But, although I am definitely an introvert, I feel the absence of something important, when I cannot spend quality time with my friends.
ReplyDeleteI hope your puzzle comes together soon!
<3, Erin