Ribbons and Curls

She stares me down
concentrating on my eyes
until the corner of her mouth
turns upward
and she can't help but smile

I cross my arms

follow the rules

listen

complete your chores

I hear myself 

like that record

being overplayed on the radio

She says 

I know

but I forget

and she always does

she just forgets a different things each day

I make a list

take a shower 

put on your pajamas

brush your hair and your teeth

how hard can that be?

And she looks down

And I feel bad

And then she starts giggling

And I can't keep a straight face

So I have her come over

and I brush her hair

putting a ribbon on her pony tail

And she smiles

And I sigh

Because we know we'll do it all again.

Dance of the Hours

I've lost touch with the measure of my personal productivity.

I know I'm getting an incredible number of things done, but it's hard to determine if it's enough.

I've been trying to make more with my time, but last weekend, it seemed that the hours disappeared.

I've noticed that these work days get in the way--whose idea was this whole 9-5 fiasco anyhow? I jest, I am very thankful that I have a job and get paid for a 40 hour work week. I just wish i could get paid the same amount but only work the amount of time it takes me to get through my work.

Responsibility v. Common Sense

Between dealing with consumers, a preschooler, a school-aged daughter, and random friends and strangers throughout the day, I've come to one conclusion.

People will find ANYTHING to say, do, or point out to avoid taking responsibility for an action, even if it wasn't a wrong action.

Where does this epidemic come from?

There's the obvious things, a simple example is weight loss. I am overweight. I am working to help this problem. No one else created this problem for me...there were factors, but it really is up to me to have done something about it.

Some of the other people I deal with say the most ridiculous things.

Example: "I ate too much yogurt because I had to eat with a bigger spoon because the smaller ones were all dirty."

Are we serious here people? How many times can you blame inanimate object for actions?

Example: "He was there and I was just spinning. I didn't hit him, my leg did."

Obviously child logic, but same basic principle. If you didn't mean to do it, doesn't change that you did it, and why does the excuses always come before an apology?

I don't know how responsibility has fallen by the wayside. Unfortunate happenings, mistakes, the first instinct is to pawn them off on someone or something else.

I have much more respect for the person who says they're sorry when they say something out of line than the person that justifies why they said something cruel. We all make mistakes, but why justify bad actions?

If you want to eat a full tub of ice cream. Eat it. But it's not your job, your spoon, your rough day, or someone else that made you do it. (Unless someone is force-feeding you--then you have an entirely different problem.)

I want to see people learning from their mistakes, apologizing, coming to middle ground. It seems more and more, the joke about banning spoons because they make you fat is closer to a reality than it is a jest.

I'm dealing with a big mistake right now--although made by someone else, it affects me and I wish I had been smart enough to know in the beginning what I could have done to prevent it. The things we do and how we do them, even when it comes to entering numbers on a spreadsheet, can really affect another individual's life. When someone makes a mistake so severe that it affects my future and my ability to provide for my family, I am mad, but I have to take some responsibility because I didn't prepare for this.

I have to take responsibility for my need to have a better filing system for paperwork, a better understanding of my finances and other aspects so that I can catch the mistakes of others. There's responsibility on multiple sides of situations.

Only problem is, it's very frustrating when someone makes a mistake and tells you that it's your fault they made the mistake. There's a very ethical line there that gets crossed when responsibility is taken and negotiated at a reasonable and justifiable level.

I wonder how different a place the world would be if people were kind, courteous, and took responsibility for  their actions. I don't think any magic wand can give me that one!

Things I Didn't Understand about Lifestyle Change

I've thought about, pondered, promised, and almost changed things about my life. I've nearly tried new things, found a new self of sense worth, and moved toward my goals. Problem is, I'm very comfortable making goals, but change has always been difficult for me.

I always thought it was about that first step, buying groceries instead of eating out, making it to the swimming pool for the first week, going a month without biting my nails, or looking at a calendar of events and looking for activities that worked into my schedule for my goals.

It really isn't about the first step. It's not about the program, or the schedule, or the million reasons that one day works better than another.

For me, I found a reason that I finally wanted to move in a direction and keep going. 

It's nothing cheesy. I didn't find love that changed my life and all of a sudden I'm a different person.

In actuality, I'm the same person I've always been, but now I'm strong enough. Most of the reasons that I had for not making changes in my life had to do with one of three things: self worth, time, and money. 

Self worth was the hardest to overcome. I get discouraged easily. I want to be good at things, I want to see results, and I want to be recognized for what I can accomplish. Problem is, that's all very superficial. I was looking for words to support my actions. I was looking for approval. It's taken me this long to realize that when it comes to my goals, my hopes, and my life--I need to be making those changes for myself, not for how someone else might perceive it.

Time is always going to be a problem, but time management is helping me. I think the problem is putting down technology. I love paying attention to Facebook on my phone or watching an episode on Netflix, but I'm finding that I'm much more relaxed when I lessen those activities and listen to music or snuggle instead. I don't need more time--I need to make wiser use of it. 

Money is a difficult topic. I have discovered, however; that many of the things that I thought would cost me a ton, are costing very little and I have a lot of superficial, materialistic expenditures that are unnecessary. Again, it's about priorities, and getting those in-line is probably going to be something that I struggle with for awhile.

So where am I on this journey? I've taken steps to do things I wasn't sure I could. It's making me feel confident and I think that I'll be able to continue because home is where my heart is. 

I used to hate being at home--I loved spending time with my kids, but when it came to evening, I felt trapped. Now I feel warm, relaxed, and happy. It's a bright place to come home to and I'm able to plan more. I look at my last week and I see the changes I've been able to make in regard to saving money, exercising, and learning new skills. It's going to be a bright future...I just didn't realize how much I was getting in my own way.

Help Your Community While Spring Cleaning

Let's face it, most of us go through our homes, replace the old things with newer things, and take a car or truck full over to the local Goodwill or ARC.

I am not discouraging this practice, but there are some things that may help our organizations in your local community that you weren't thinking about.

Here is a list of wishlists for United Way organizations: NONPROFIT WISH LIST

From computer accessories to shelving, cleaning supplies to craft supplies, furniture to baby layettes, it's something to consider. We all may have a few things tucked away in our homes that can benefit many of these local organizations.

This Train Station

There is music behind the background
Softly playing
I do not like it

These black bat appendages
Are not my wings
Connected through my shoulders
By uncomfortable black wire
With claws resting beneath my clavicle

No one could fly attached to these things

I focus
I see a skeleton face with a bald head
He mocks me, cocking his head to the side

And I manage to get the heavy monstrosities flapping
These wings, as heavy as titanium beams
Ripping against my fair skin

I see blood traveling in lines down my arms
I force the wings to flap, to rip, to disconnect
Bringing me to a kneeling position on the floor
As they smack and break and bleed against the concrete

These are not my wings
I say it in my head
I say it in a whisper
I say it in a scream

And finally, the wings let go of me.

No creature attached to them ever could have flown.

Underneath, there are small swirls on my back
Like a tattoo of butterfly wings slowly expanding.

Tell me,
With these new wings,
Will I be able to fly?

Do the Hokey Pokey and You Turn Yourself Around

I've learned not to apologize for the way I live my life, the things I think and do, and who I am.

What I have realized is I will not be liked by most of the people I meet, I will never know what the majority of my acquaintances think of me, and if I spend my time worrying about what other people think, I will forget to live my own life.

I know I've broken hearts I never intended to harm.

I've been ineffective in reaching hearts I've desperately tried to affect.

I've tried to impose my will on others, unintentionally and intentionally, unsuccessfully and successfully.

I like having my way and it's very hard to temper.

I like making other people happy and sometimes I will forget who I am in pursuit of trying to change how another person feels.

I feel responsible for feelings and events that I had no part in creating.

It's very hard for me to walk away from damaging people, but it's slowly getting easier.

I feed into other people's self absorption easily. By desperately wanting to be liked, it's easy to bend over backwards for someone else's dream. The hard part is, those kinds of people will never return the favor. They're also the hardest to let go of. 

I've been striving for a long time to feel like someone valued me and my dreams as much as I've tried to support others. When I finally found that happy medium, I was amazed and when it's reciprocal, it's love. 

I try to love all of my friends and family. I hope that I can raise my children with values that strengthen and support their relationships and friendships. 

I cannot control most of the things I'd like to and mostly accept that fact.

I want more out of life. That doesn't mean what it used to for me. I don't want more friends or more things or more to do--I want more value to the time spent and the connections I've made. I think I've been on the right track for that change. 

I don't write these truths for any other reason to acknowledge what I've been feeling lately. I like marking the steps I've made on my journey to accepting myself--it's been a difficult road of transitions and trials. If I ever fall backwards, I feel like this is a list of things that is worth remembering and working back toward.