Day 30: A letter to yourself.

Well LK, 30 days of "truth" prompts and what have we learned? You are an amazing girl that takes life in stride and sometimes feel like you can handle it all while other times feel like you can handle nothing at all. You encourage, doubt, express, and press yourself. You want better and you're willing to work for it as long as it's the best option for everyone, not a selfish choice for yourself. Honestly, sometimes you focus way too much on what others think or may thing or may have thought instead of trusting yourself enough to know that you deserve respect because your decisions are yours and they are mostly good ones. You've learned from your mistakes and you carry a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. Don't get discouraged. Everything really does turn out, even if it's not in the way you expect it to. Love, Me

Day 29: Something I hope to change about myself & why

The biggest change I need to make is the way I care for myself. I don't eat as often as I should, sleep as much as I need to, laugh as frequently as I want to, or focus on nurturing my creative side nearly enough. i put all of my concerns last. I think about the kids, my family, my friends, and my job, and just conveniently ignore the things I should have high on my priority list. I think it's going to be a journey to feel like I can take time without feeling guilty, but it's surely something that needs to happen.

Day 28: What if I was pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

If I got someone pregnant, I would call a lot of doctors and scientists. That would be incredibly awkward, amazingly interesting, or just outright quirky.

I've already been pregnant twice and I have two lovely children. I consider it a blessing and I love my kids.

I guess this question seems kind of moot to me, I had my kids and I've health problems that make it unlikely that I'd have another.

Make Life Amazing

Why is it that even the times we're not really risking anything, spontaneity and silliness seem to be out of line with 'what we should do'? For me, ladies and gentleman, I'm done with it.

This week, I've done some interesting things. I stopped off on a road at a random fire station to see what was going on because I saw Smokey the Bear and got excited.

I ate at a restaurant because I saw it on the top of the hill and figured, why not?

I took a box of paints and made a finger-painting of a rainbow eye because I felt like being crafty. (I'm now going to collage on top of it as an experiment.)

You know what? My flash-thought actions haven't taken my life and turned it upside down or even affected anything important except my smile. I feel better when I take a moment and do something with it.

As a child, you don't think about what's worth your time, you act accordingly to how you're feeling and it's okay. Granted, I need to make time for things I have obligations to do, but why not have a five minute conversation with a bag lady in the supermarket or drink coffee from a divey looking coffee shop instead of that predictable Starbucks on the corner? Why don't we add random events more often when adulthood sets in? Are we too "grown up" for it?

Well, in any case, I'm done. I'm happier when I try new things and go with it sometimes. I don't need a life change, my life is dynamic and it's always part of the change. Being happy is being myself, if you can handle that, you're welcome for the ride. If you're not, well, kindly get out of the way :)

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for me right now?

I am.

There is no measure greater than the strengths of my personality, my will to overcome, my perseverance. I am the ultimate force in my life that creates the positive, the negative, the laughs, the connections.

I am a good person with a good heart.

I am a thoughtful person with amazing intelligence.

I am a dynamic person in a world full of possibility and change.

I am truly amazing and if I use the potential I have, the humor I enjoy, the creativity I unleash, everything in my life is going to be extraordinary.

The challenge against the best thing going for me right now is also me--that self doubt, thinking that the world isn't working out, and ignoring my creative impulse, that's what destroys dreams. I have everything I need to make anything possible. I am the best thing and the worst thing in my life. What I need to do is focus on being the best thing. The negativity can rot on its own--it's not something I need.

Day 26: Have I ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I've dealt with the kind of struggles that made me wonder why my brain was still driving on, the kinds of days where I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, and there were some very dark thoughts and less than kosher actions in my past.

I think it's really important for people, especially going through major life changes, dealing with puberty, and those with the possibility for postpartum or seasonal depression, to focus on making sure that emotional struggles are not dealt with alone.

There are times when I felt like I couldn't ask for help and it felt like I was drowning. I'd drag myself down and sometimes I wasn't sure I was ever going to be happy again. I get really scared when I think about how many people struggle and how taboo it has been to admit that something is wrong. The fact is, all people have bad days, things happen we can't control, and it's okay to seek help. I'm hoping that the more open the conversation becomes, the more acceptable asking for help will be.

If by chance you're reading this and you're feeling like you have no one to talk to, no way to fix whatever is happening, please, if you know me, you can always talk to me, and there are numerous resources at your disposal. The most important are the suicide hotlines which can be found at  http://suicidehotlines.com/, the national hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) is a great resource. You're never alone. Never give up, never surrender <3

Day 25: The reason I believe I'm still alive today.

There are many physical factors leading me to believe that I am alive today. Breath is entering and leaving my lungs, my eyes are open, my brain is firing, and I require food, drink, sleep, and use of a restroom.

All kidding aside, I have two beautiful children, great family and friends, and a ton of things I still want to accomplish. Being alive is a blessing and I don't feel like questioning why, I just want to appreciate the miracle :)