Awesome or Insane? Can't Tell by my dreams...

Wow, so this is my 100th blog post. I'm kind of impressed I've stuck with it.

Last night, I had an incredibly weird dream, one I'm not sure i can describe other than to people who are familiar with the newer Barbie movies (likely none of my readers), but I will try anyway.

I dreamt that I was at home putting things away and each time I finished a room it began to glitter and sparkle in a very cartoon-like way. By the end of the dream, I had wiped down, cleaned, and organized my whole house at warp speed. This was followed by a musical number that I was singing entitled, "Not a Clean Freak, but a Princess".

For the record, I am slightly concerned for my mental well being. I'm not sure how this combination of pain meds for my shoulder, organizing/cleaning, exercising, and watching Glee, the IT Crowd, Farscape, and Stargate SG:U has enacted with me long term, but I am both excited and terrified of what might be waiting when I close my eyes.

However, I do think that I would like a sparkling house in which I could perform crazy musical numbers--after all, it's fun to have a song for everything :)

Sweet Nothings

They may not be a lot, but little specks of love make me smile.

Her: I just want you to know that if you do meet someone that you want to date...it's ok. I mean it may or may not work out with her and if it does, great, and if not we'd still have a shot. I just don't want your life on pause because mine is on fast forward.
Him:  I know; just know that I want you in my life and I do think about you.

Feeling a Bit Dry Lately

I am not really a funny person...if I had a book of jokes, the punch lines would all fall flat and people would just stare at me. (How do I know this? Let's just say I had a book of jokes when I was younger and I can't say it did me a lot of good.)

Now, I'm not saying I'm not funny, however; my particular brand of humor can be slightly jarring at times. I've been told it's very hard to tell when I'm being serious and when I'm joking. Honestly, with some of the things I joke about, that concerns me--you all must think I'm some crazy, angry, violent, passive aggressive evil genius or something (ok, maybe not the genius part, but it made me feel better to add it in there).

Dry Humor:

• Deadpan is a form of comic delivery in which humor is presented without a change in emotion or body language, usually speaking in a casual, monotone or very serious, solemn, matter-of-fact voice and expressing an unflappably calm, archly insincere or artificially grave demeanor.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dry_humor

This definition describes my delivery. I'm not sure I'm actually "sarcastic" all of the time in the sense of the dictionary definition...

• Sarcasm is the rhetorical device of using a characterization of something or someone in order to express contempt. It is closely connected with irony, in that the two are often combined in the same statement.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarcasm

Although maybe sardonicism is a better description:

• Sardonicism (from Risus sardonicus, a convulsive laughter) is the expression of derision, cynicism or skeptical humor variously through comment, gesture or writing.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sardonic

I don't think I make jokes intended to jab at another person, but I guess it's hard to tell what I actually joke about because I sadly don't monitor every word that comes out of my mouth. either way, I'm starting to see that I'm either actually cynical or i joke as if I am cynical? Or maybe I'm only cynical about certain things? Either way, this dry humor thing might not be the most positive thing in my life. Am I even capable of being humorous around others without it? Or am I over-analyzing?

Too To Two

Today was an extraordinarily hard day. Aside from a work project going well, things were very off, some kind of tragic.

My day started with pain in my shoulder, like I have had the last few days. I was able to say happy birthday to my son who turned two today, but most of my attention was focused this morning on his over-energetic sister--it was a fight to get her to school on time (in fact, I almost failed at doing so).

After that and a few computer updates for work, I drove to wal-mart to get a sling and some heat packs for my shoulder. I had a conversation with my mom where I was rude and contrary while she tried to help. I wasn't even trying to be, but I guess being a little overwhelmed has taken its toll. I think I almost went from leaning/confiding/ranting to her to actually attacking her ideas because of how terrified and completely over-committed I am. I had a lot to think about after that...and I was mulling it over, at least while I painted with other Americorps VISTA members (which was fun).

On the drive home to work some more on scanning slides, the pain in my shoulder worsened (despite putting it in a sling as my mother had suggested to keep me from doing thing I shouldn't) and I started to feel sluggish. By the time the kids were picked up, I had to go to a doctor's appointment.

Really the day hadn't been horrible up to that point, it just hadn't been good. Horrible was when I got home and found that my little bubby had fallen asleep already--I missed spending any quality time with him after dinner on his second birthday. Damned shoulder, damned appointment...I know he doesn't know and he was happy for the time he had with me, but I know and I feel awful that we didn't have more time today. I feel like I'm running against a clock and I swear the day I beat it I'm going to have a party.

This disappointment was followed by a very somber phone call. One of the people I worked with, the son of my favorite professor, a man I respect and worked for---well, he was killed cycling across America by a car. So young, so vibrant and full of life, and the light is gone and put out now. I don't even know how to take the news really--I didn't keep up with him much after the summer we briefly worked together, but I do think about him every time I hear Johnny Cash. I expect that will continue, although I'm sure the smile will be sadder now.

I had a bit of fun this evening playing D&D but my heart wasn't all in it. I'm trying to process my day, honestly the whole thing makes me pretty tired. There is so much work to be done and I really just wish I could take a few days, sit down, and type out all of the things I'm thinking about, all of the things I worry about, need to do, want to do, am excited about--life feels so rushed. There's no time...and although I try, I cannot make time. I just really hope I am doing the best with the time that I have.

Men are Useful...

Well, I have to say hauling up groceries, taking apart beds, and carrying pieces of furniture up the stairs are things I would not miss doing. Along with taking the trash out and generally having other support, I could use one today.

Ladies...men are useful because they will do the things that we hate doing if we smile and say please.

Granted, if he won't, he's probably not worth the trouble :)

The "No" Phenomenon

Okay, so I've heard all of the jokes, "but sometimes no means yes,' and all of that crap, but it's starting to seem to me that some people actually believe it's true that a lot of times no means yes.

In my case, I'd like to shed light on this. If I have said no, I mean it. I do not want you to sit next to me, I do not want to talk to you, I do not want to go to dinner or a movie or on a walk with you, I do not want you to pursue me any further, and if you press the matter, I will become angry and act accordingly.

Obviously this is a rant in regard to a recent situation. There is a guy who goes to a venue that I do for concerts that I tried going out to dinner once with that is a pig. I would say no I don't want to go out again and his response was a tacky "oh baby, you know you want to".

NEWSFLASH No. If I have said No I don't want to, there is no other context there. I am not interested.

I think men (and maybe women...I'm sure this happens to guys too) have their wires crossed sometimes. It is not sexy to try to tell another person that they want to be with you. being contrary and stuck up like your shit doesn't stink is far less than unattractive.

Maybe I'm weird, the macho hey baby you want me act makes me sick. I prefer the sweet guy that watches me, finally has the courage to talk to me, and eventually takes the risk and asks me if I would like to do something sometime. I haven't found the right one yet, but I really hope women don't like "the jerk". Unless you're in a situation where it's established that yes could mean no (and I mean directly, not this second-guessing bizarre type), I'm thinking that no means no means no.

Stop the Distractions and Keep Moving Forward

It's sensational, isn't it? Osama Bin Laden. He's dead, we killed him, freaking congratulations.

The media, the people, all teetering and twittering, fighting with one another.
Yay America, serves the bastard right.
A solemn day, a human being dead.
How can you celebrate?
Hell Yeah!
It's all back and forth...focused on the anger, the retribution, the hurt, but is it really as important as what our neighbors are facing?

Here's the news we've forgotten due to one man's death and another man's birth certificate:

Last week, in an outbreak of a weekly count of 312 tornadoes, a record 226 tornadoes ravaged the southern United States in a period of 24 hours.

Maybe I'm more sensitive to this news because of how close Windsor, CO is to my heart. I saw the destruction from one tornado and we only dealt with one death of one man. The scale of this is so much greater and yet we're satisfied to talk about a man that caused us destruction. During this time of crisis and mourning that which has been lost, I think we have our priorities completely out of place.

We need hope and compassion and volunteerism. We cannot focus on the dead, we must focus on rebuilding. People have lost everything and we need to stand up and offer our assistance instead of getting caught up in political bullshit. Talking doesn't help anyone.

When the tornado happened in Windsor, volunteers came out from everywhere--Colorado for a brief time was community. We could do anything because we did it together. The south is in shambles. Neighborhoods full of people are gone and the devastation is incredible. Who comes to their aid? There are places where there aren't communities to help communities because the entire areas are decimated. Maybe we should work on that problem instead of whining and arguing about the impact of one man. Do you really think this country is improved when we focus on the past and retribution?

It's true our lawmakers and policy creators fail us. We have hope and they spit in our faces with their petty arguing and big corporate backing, but it doesn't mean we have to be slaves to it. It means we have to make our decisions, actions, speeches, and arguments more deliberately. We may not change the world with one action, but we can change lives. So please, get off Twitter and actually do something productive. Don't let them distract us.

We the People are the United States of America and I believe we are much stronger and much more capable than we are given credit for.