Too To Two

Today was an extraordinarily hard day. Aside from a work project going well, things were very off, some kind of tragic.

My day started with pain in my shoulder, like I have had the last few days. I was able to say happy birthday to my son who turned two today, but most of my attention was focused this morning on his over-energetic sister--it was a fight to get her to school on time (in fact, I almost failed at doing so).

After that and a few computer updates for work, I drove to wal-mart to get a sling and some heat packs for my shoulder. I had a conversation with my mom where I was rude and contrary while she tried to help. I wasn't even trying to be, but I guess being a little overwhelmed has taken its toll. I think I almost went from leaning/confiding/ranting to her to actually attacking her ideas because of how terrified and completely over-committed I am. I had a lot to think about after that...and I was mulling it over, at least while I painted with other Americorps VISTA members (which was fun).

On the drive home to work some more on scanning slides, the pain in my shoulder worsened (despite putting it in a sling as my mother had suggested to keep me from doing thing I shouldn't) and I started to feel sluggish. By the time the kids were picked up, I had to go to a doctor's appointment.

Really the day hadn't been horrible up to that point, it just hadn't been good. Horrible was when I got home and found that my little bubby had fallen asleep already--I missed spending any quality time with him after dinner on his second birthday. Damned shoulder, damned appointment...I know he doesn't know and he was happy for the time he had with me, but I know and I feel awful that we didn't have more time today. I feel like I'm running against a clock and I swear the day I beat it I'm going to have a party.

This disappointment was followed by a very somber phone call. One of the people I worked with, the son of my favorite professor, a man I respect and worked for---well, he was killed cycling across America by a car. So young, so vibrant and full of life, and the light is gone and put out now. I don't even know how to take the news really--I didn't keep up with him much after the summer we briefly worked together, but I do think about him every time I hear Johnny Cash. I expect that will continue, although I'm sure the smile will be sadder now.

I had a bit of fun this evening playing D&D but my heart wasn't all in it. I'm trying to process my day, honestly the whole thing makes me pretty tired. There is so much work to be done and I really just wish I could take a few days, sit down, and type out all of the things I'm thinking about, all of the things I worry about, need to do, want to do, am excited about--life feels so rushed. There's no time...and although I try, I cannot make time. I just really hope I am doing the best with the time that I have.