Day 24: A playlist to my mommy and why I chose all the songs.

(I've linked youtube videos for each of the songs, so if you haven't heard one, go for it by clicking on the song artist - title)

Regina Spektor - The Call

For me, this song is about the hope that bloomed into my adoption, and calling is how we keep in touch and are always there for each other. There are no real "goodbyes" in family, just degrees of physical separation. I also feel that there's a cyclical representation in the song about how life resonates. My mom doesn't have me as her baby girl but she's there now for my baby girl. I guess the feeling of the song is so loving and resonant with our close family values that I just always think about her when I hear it.

N Sync - Bye Bye Bye

When I was in high school and we went to church camp, my mom and a few other moms dressed up like N Sync members and danced while lip synching this song. I have never laughed harder in my life. It's just one of many times my mom proved how incredibly awesome she is.

Silence - Delerium feat Sarah Machlachlan

This song has been very powerful for me. I first heard it when I watched the movie Brokedown Palace and I sang it constantly. I feel like this is one of the songs I sang and I could always tell how beautiful my mom thought my voice was and how proud she was of me. It's also such a lyrically beautiful song that puts me at peace. I feel like in a way it still represents me, a conflict between emotional struggle and hope.

Eminem - Lose Yourself

I remember when my mom bought the first Eminem CD. We listened to it in the car. It's the first time I really listened to rap or hip hop of any kid (save the Beastie Boys). This is the song that peaked our interest on the radio and it's another one that I just think about her while I "lose myself in the music".

Matt Morrison feat Gwyneth Paltrow - Somewhere Over the Rainbow

If it's related to the Wizard of Oz, it makes me think of my mom. This particular version I came across and it just makes me think of watching the Wizard of Oz eating popcorn. My mom always smiles when she watches that movie--it's her very favorite. "The dreams that you dare to dream really do come true."

AC/DC - For Those About to Rock

I didn't really listen to AC/DC until my mom and I were looking at her records. I knew one song belonged in the list. This is probably my favorite along with Highway to Hell.

Carole King - Tapestry

I'd pretty much add anything off the album "Tapestry" for this playlist. The lyrics of this particular song are so rich and paint a picture as a tapestry is woven--I think it's poetic qualities really speak to as why it was the title track for the album. If you don't know a lot of Carole King, she's worth listening to. My mom's love of her made her one of my favorites for singing songs for karaoke. "Smackwater Jack" is the funniest, "I Feel the Earth Move" is the best to dance to, "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" is a great duet, and "It's too Late" is the song I love and sing too little.

Fleetwood Mac - Dreams

Fleetwood Mac is another band that pretty much anything would work for this playlist. Dreams is a great song because "thunder only happens when it's raining". We listened and sang along all of the time. It was a good time.

Day 23: Something I wish I had done in my life

I really wish I had made a trip to Europe by now. I also wish I'd gone to a nerdy convention, ridden the roller coaster in Vegas, and probably a million other things. This is an odd question though--I have a lot of life ahead of me so I'm not that worried about eventually doing the things I really want to.

Day 22: Something I wish I hadn’t done in my life

When I was in sixth grade, I was in an advanced math class. When I asked the 8th grade teacher for help with a concept, she told me I didn't belong in the class. Being stubborn, I asked my mom to take me out of the class and I convinced myself that I was terrible at math (and consequently science). It took me years to really feel like trying in either. If I didn't get it without thinking, I didn't want to deal with it.

I later found that I really liked both math and science. With more effort, I think I could have gone a lot farther in both and I probably psyched myself out of some pretty awesome career options. I know it's not too late so I could remedy the situation. Who knows, the future is full of possibility.

Half an Inch Off

I get frustrated sometimes, the kind of disgruntled that leaves me feeling sick to my stomach, a square peg shoved partially into the wrong hole and painted the wrong color. I stick out like a sore thumb or I'm completely invisible. I really wish I could find a balance between the two.

The last couple weeks have been hard. I've had to brush things off that really bother me. I know people like me well enough, but most of my friendships aren't overly strong. I don't get invited to the big events, I don't get considered when someone is sitting at home wondering who to hang out with--I'm just that girl seen in that place with those other people.

Now I used to get this feeling but I wasn't making as much of an effort to get to know people. Now I try, but the result seems the same. I only fit in some places, but friends don't generally think of me otherwise. I don't know if it's the immediacy of the culture or that people are happy enough with their groups of current friends that adding another person just isn't in the cards.

I'm not really meaning to complain, just contemplating. Too many things in the past couple weeks I would have liked to be a part of. I get invited to the events to support a cause or remember a lost friend, but not to the celebrations. Hopefully that will change with time.

Day 21: My best friend is in a car accident and the two of us got into a fight an hour before. What do I do?

I rush to the hospital to be present for my friend. I don't think a disagreement is a good reason not to be there for someone. I've been left alone in a hospital alone before--I can honestly say that few experiences are worse than that and I would never do it to someone I called a friend. I would even show up for an old friend that I hadn't been speaking to for over a year because of a disagreement. Being there when it really matters is the measure of a good friend.

Day 20: My views on drugs and alcohol

Honestly, I like the idea of taxing most drugs so that they pay for the addictions and could be more regulated. One exception to this, however, is meth--that stuff should simply not exist. It's nasty stuff.

I don't have particularly strong views on drugs or alcohol in regard to right/wrong, but people need to be responsible. Other people should never get abused, hurt, or killed based on another person's decision to use drugs or alcohol.

I don't like how people make a decision and don't stay safe. People that become violent on a particular substance shouldn't use it. I just don't understand why people can't stay out of a driver's seat, away from weapons, and keep it fun.

Day 19: What do I think of religion?

re·li·gion (according to Google's Dictionary)

noun /riˈlijən/ 
religions, plural

The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods
• - ideas about the relationship between science and religion
Details of belief as taught or discussed
• - when the school first opened they taught only religion, Italian, and mathematics
A particular system of faith and worship
• - the world's great religions
A pursuit or interest to which someone ascribes supreme importance
• - consumerism is the new religion

I think, as with most things, I generally like or approve of practices that don't go too far, interrupting another person's life in the pursuit.

It's important people have value systems, beliefs, or general codes by which they like to live and I should have no part in telling a person what to think, believe, or otherwise practice unless it interferes directly with the quality of life for another person.

I do believe in a version of God. I also attend some services--I love choral music and singing in church. I generally have no qualms with people where I go to church, but I avoid biblical discussion. I think a lot of people that participate in organized religion are good people and others or not. It's more or less the same with any other group--you have a mix of people, and most people, deep down, I believe are good. I don't, however, believe that people who are not participating in a religion are any different from any other group. I just think it's a personal choice, as simple as enjoying arts and crafts or as strange as choosing to be vegetarian.