My Trick is Working

In the last few months, it's been my personal goal to stay positive, attempt to see more good than bad, believe in people, and expect good things.

Some people have called this idealistic, daft, and a little crazy. I can respect that. All in all, a single mother looking for work in this economy should be a little concerned, maybe even a little pessimistic (or what many I know call 'realistic').

I'm not saying I don't see the big picture, I do, but I can honestly say that hoping for good things has helped me far more than brooding over all that's wrong with the world.

Today, in particular, was an extraordinary day. Not because I felt like I had less to worry about or really had a major problem solved, in fact I had to quit the only job I had today due to the fact that childcare costs are higher than my wage.

How could this day be so amazing? A few things, really. Today I received a gift from a woman from church who knew that my budget was tight. This gift is enough to cover the things my daughter needs to play soccer and to be in girl scouts. I didn't ask for anything, yet she was moved to give me something that I received on a day that I was making a decision for my little girl. It's not a job, it doesn't change our financial situation long term, but it does change things for a sweet little girl that wants to be involved in things. Moments like that remind me how important it is to keep up with those pay it forward moments. Most people are good.

We let ourselves get bogged down by negativity and media and long, hard days at work. I remember moments like that to stay upbeat, paying it forward whenever I can, and sometimes smiling even when I think I can't.

My life isn't roses, it's hard, but right now a lot of people are struggling. The miracles come in when we work together. 

I'm a What?

The last couple of days have been on the brink of comical. While one person cursed me out for being a "happy-go-lucky bitch", I've also been called "the girl who should be manager", "God's blessing for those in need of a smile", and an "uninformed twat".

Obviously I work in retail and know a lot of people that would rather be pessimists (or realists) than attempt to see the brighter things. I also know many people appreciative of my desire to start conversations with a smile and end with "have a lovely day".

It's clear that you can't please everyone, but honestly, I've gotten to a point I'm not even going to try. Being myself is good enough, even if it makes me a management material, happy-go-lucky, uniformed bitch of a twat sent as a blesssing. ROFL

A Combination of Six People

I was reading a theory that a person's core personality is made up of the six people s/he spends the most time with. This made me think who are the six people I spend the most time with?

I am pretty sure it's my patient, goofy two-year-old son, my impatient, vocal six-year-old daughter, my sarcastic but sweet grandmother, my dear curly-haired engineer, my slightly obsessive but fun mother, and my crazy musically-inclined freak show running amigo.

If I break this down, I'm patient and impatient, goofy but picky and serious, science-oriented, slightly aloof with a touch of sarcasm, music, freakishness, and a definite need to have things a particular order. Hmm...I sound like quite the difficult person to handle. Who are your six?

Some Things You Can't Unsay, Unthink, Undo

Some people need to learn that actions can't be undone, but at the same time, when a person has really screwed up, why isn't there a drive to be a better person, to make sure it never happens again?

Is it easier to hurt someone after you've already done so? Easier to hurt others after that?

I feel kind of lost when it comes to figuring out how much trust a person in my life deserves. I try not to be jaded, I should be able to depend on someone when they say they'll be there, but I keep getting proved wrong.

I want to be a horseback riding mermaid

These statements are those of children. An adult may think, you can't ride horses and be a mermaid, those a mutually exclusive. A child knows that mermaids are only mermaids when they are wet so as long as you aren't soaked with water while riding horses, they are inclusive and possible.

Children see things in a way we can't even begin to expect as adults, even adults that see things creatively. Some days, I wish that I could gain that perspective back. Kids bounce back faster from bad news and a more colorful world can't be a bad thing.

Weddings and Other Nonsense

I've had a few friends get married this summer and we weren't really close, so when they were saying they couldn't invite everyone, I simply stated that I was fine with not getting an invitation.  I felt like taking the stress off was a nice thing I could do. Also, we weren't really close so I didn't think I necessarily merited an invite.

So every freaking day after these weddings other common friends ask me why I wasn't there. "I thought you would be there..." etc.

I don't want to be mean, but seriously, I wasn't invited so obviously I wouldn't be there, and really, it didn't bother me that I wasn't invited until people start bringing it up.

Should I have been there? No, I wasn't invited. Would I have gone if I had been? Of course, I love my friends and I love spending moments with them that are beautiful. I am happy for my friends that got married this summer, and yes, I still consider them friends. Seeing how people react makes me wonder why everyone doesn't just elope? Other people make speical events so much more complicated than they need to be!

Your silhouette remained in my subconscious

stupid remarks cataloged by pop-culture reference number
driving me mad as I pushed and pulled you
wondering if I was uptight, if you were inappropriate,
if love was even part of an answer either of us understood

eventually you were gone, I often miss you
sometimes I watch the things you liked just to understand
all of the reasons that we didn't belong together
or maybe those were the reasons that we did

who knows, maybe I would be happier
sometimes I don't give things half the chance they deserve
the only question is, can I gain what I lost
or am I really supposed to be looking for something else?