Resolutions?

I know a lot of people who make New Year's resolutions and break them within a week, other people who swear against them because they're ridiculous, and some people who make a really good effort each year to improve something in their lives.

I generally shy away from the idea of resolutions, it's gimmicky, and who really remembers to make drastic change? I think the biggest problem is it's considered an unattainable goal, we set the bar really high so that when we break the resolution, it's over and we simply wait for the next year. 

I honestly have a lot of things in my life that need to change. I need to take better care of myself. I spend a lot of time working and rushing around for the kids, but as much as I wish, it's really not an excuse. In all reality, what good am I to anyone if i'm not taking the time to worry about my health and environment? What kind of message does it send to my kids that mommy doesn't take care of herself because everything else comes first? Not a good one, I'm pretty sure.

It's no secret I want next year to be different.

Before attempting to write resolutions or thinking of writing any, I need to make a list of the things I would like to see change. So here we go:

-I want to be more involved in the community

-I want to work on meeting new people, making new friends, and having productive/fun things to do when the kids are away

-I want to be more confident about my abilities. I don't want to delete stories I start to write, leave paintings unfinished, or be afraid to try new things

-I want my home to be more organized and clean

-I want to get rid of the things I don't need

-I want to only have things in my wardrobe that I like wearing

-I want to have healthier cooking options during the week

-I want to have more money in savings

-I want to feel respected and loved in any friendship or relationship

-I want to feel hopeful about the future no matter what happens

-I want to feel more balanced

-I want to feel good enough to exercise and not feel ashamed if I can't handle some of the activities that my friends can do

-I want to sing more, but not for karaoke--I really don't like the bar scene

-I want to spend more time outside

-I want to do more things that I haven't done before

-I want to feel happy instead of guilty if I reward myself on occasion

-I want to continue playing with the kids when someone comes to visit instead of blushing and feeling silly for goofing around so much

-I want to stop apologizing for the things I don't need to and apologize for the things I do instead of getting defensive

-I want to order new things when I go to restaurants instead of the same thing I've ordered every time I've gone there

-I want to say yes when people offer to help me

-I want to say no when people ask if I need the things they're getting rid of 

-I want to say yes because I want to, not because I feel like I have to

-I want to say no sometimes because it's really okay

So there's a start...just wish I could make a plan. Like many people, I know what's wrong in my life and the things I do that worsens those problems. I wish it was as easy as typing it up and posting it, but I have some serious modifications to try if I'm going to really throw out the old and start with the new.

Well, 2011, I can't say I'll be sorry to see you leave

I went to brunch with my grandma yesterday, I like what she said about this year:

"I'm going to be celebrating because the damn year's over!"

It's been a long, chaotic year, and even though I see struggles ahead, I'm thankful the struggles of 2011 are in the past. A lot of my life was up in the air during the past year, from not knowing what would happen after my VISTA year completed, through the divorce, and finding a job. This has been a year of faulty forms, repetitive nonsense, and clerical errors. I feel like this next year, at least, I know how to expect my life to travel forward.

2011 was a year of big bumps, big changes, and big events. I could really use a more mellow 2012. Hopefully that's not too much to ask!

A deep breath and a smile

I got over myself after yesterday. I hate those moments when everything culminates, making me feel like nothing I can do or feel is going to be better.

I let things get to me that I really should have been able to ignore. My holiday spirit took a beating because I let my guard down around people that didn't appreciate gestures, however; part of me really needs to recognize that the spirit and the reciprocation of a smile are not necessary. It's hard to be happy and giving and thoughtful if you feel like it's something making people angry, but I forgot the original intent.

Another person won't know, ever (at least not for sure), that I genuinely want to improve his/her day. But me wanting to be kind cannot make someone else accept that. I forget sometimes that we all bring our own problems to a very large table, trying to relate. Some people lend themselves to cut off from contact because of pain they've been dealt in the past. Others eagerly accept kindness but shun connection, trying to get anything they can out of anyone without ever hoping to reciprocate or truly feel the warmth that person was expressing. I need to be more mindful of those experiences and hope that one smile or song or pretzel makes one person feel cared for.

It took hearing "Christmas Shoes" and watching Miracle on 34th Street to remind me of that.

Merry Christmas, and if you don't celebrate, I hope you have a lovely 25th of December anyhow. You can't fault a girl for wishing that you'll have a nice day <3

To take the opening line from a new holiday favorite:

Fuck you if you don't like Christmas.

I feel like the past couple of weeks around really hateful people has sent my holiday spirit to intensive care.

I find it really interesting that there's actually a fairly significant number of people who want to have their right to bitch about how much they hate this season, it's over commercialized, it doesn't mean any thing to anyone who supposedly celebrates it anymore, and everyone who likes Christmas is pretending and looking for brownie point, but they also want anyone who likes Christmas to shut the hell up, sit in the corner, and generally go away.

I have news for you, you can't have it both ways. If you get to bitch, I'm allowed to be merry and giving and attempt to sing carols, watching sappy movies, and whatever I decide to do. I'm not asking you to celebrate, trying to covert you, or even demanding a smile back, but what's so wrong in your life that you see a smiling person and you feel like saying, "I fucking hate Christmas, you're such a tool." I didn't insult you, hell at the time I was just wearing a black sweater and a green scarf. I was smiling--I didn't even say anything, why was your first assumption that I was "Christmas-y"?

I guess I don't mind the assumption, but the whole Grinch/Scrooge thing is way overplayed. How about you just ignore Christmas and the people that celebrate it instead of berating me with your negative, my life sucks, I hate Christmas attitude. I'd love to meet someone during the non-holiday season who exudes happiness and has a loving, giving outlook on life outside of Christmastime. Too much to ask, probably...people are too pissed off and disconnected in general.

(In case you haven't realized by now, this is a rant...)

On top of assholes just seeming to go out of their way to try to ruin my day (sometimes successful, most times not), I've had a lot to deal with this season that I really just want to ignore. The kinds of surprises you don't need, strange money that needs to be spent for emergencies when I'm barely on my feet. Friends who forget something important or say something cruel from their own stresses has also been more predominant than usual.

I have one anchor, my kids, and I'm trying to stay positive and excited, but I could honestly use one more week before Christmas without the million deadlines I feel like I have to meet. I just want  to sit with my family, sing a few carols, and snuggle with the children while we watch holiday movies. This season is so magic for them...a time when miracles and hope are possible, and the world has lost too much of its magic and hope. How do you keep that spirit alive in the land of cynics?

Thoughts to Live By

I thought this was an inspiring list of thoughts in memory of a woman that lost a battle with cancer.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.


I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains..
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's.'
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.look at it and really see it . Live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Of Error & Trial (after error & trial after error & trial)

I think at one point in my past, I created great difficulty for someone in the data entry world. I must have caused a catastrophic error that has led to my comedy of errors (or tragedy as I very well know that eventually we all take the dirt nap).

In this case, I unknowingly had to have drop-kicked computer karma and thus created my crazy struggle with correcting data entry errors residing in files regarding my life until the end of time (or maybe just the middle of 2012...that remains to be seen).

Why am I ranting? Because it's quieter than laughing and much more convenient than crying.

No not all of the errors create supreme difficulty followed by hours on the phone listening to broken elevator music while I begrudgingly get hung up on three times before actually getting a hold of s human that has a 30% chance of being able to correct the error. Most do, but on rare occasion, I receive someone else's good news.

Today, for example, there was a message waiting in my work e-mail box congratulating me on my $500 bonus and promotion...in Pittsburg. The e-mail must have been intended for another Laura Hart who was in  a completely different office/ program, but what I found most amusing was they had everything wrong because I even received the e-mail meeting invitation for the fancy dinner party for new management assistants. I did have to take the time to make sure the proper people were notified so that the real Laura Hart might receive her congrats and good news. Granted, I wish I could have that bonus, but today's error was more comedic than tragic.

Anyone that has known me long enough knows that from birthdays to digits in prices entered into a computer to random errors in identification and billing have made my life and relationship with customer service representatives a little strained. Usually I make them laugh, and no one gets angry, but I swear, I never want to hear waiting music on the phone again.  (We all know I spend  and will likely continue to spend my lunch periods listening to it...)

I know I shouldn't listen to the conversations of others, but...

I couldn't resist today.

Really their conversation isn't quite as morbid as the conclusions I eventually drew, but there I was, getting a cup of black coffee to drench my stretched soul in, and I hear, "Well I really think we should take Facebook out of the mix. You have to determine how long it would take someone to notice without an obvious tagged post of Facebook."

My attention was immediately drawn. At first I'm thinking it has to do with relationship status, changing a hair cut, or something simple. Then, one of them says, "I honestly don't think any of my facebook friends would think about it unless my family posted something. I never talk to them."

At this point, I'm lingering at the door, pretending to drink my coffee (trust me, I couldn't actually drink it, it was too hot) when another says, "Who really cares anyway? I mean if you're dead, what are you going to do, come back and haunt them for not noticing?"

Wait? Double-take...I had to hold my tongue from asking for a repetition. I was sincerely regretful that I didn't have some microwaveable lunch full of preservatives to take into the lunch room and pop in while I listened.

So I stood in the kitchen, learning against the counter until I actually could take a sip of my coffee. They talked about how a real friend might know within a week, an acquaintance would know once the funeral was announced or after the funeral, and anyone that wouldn't wasn't probably actually a friend. Between discussing death and levels of friendship, most of them lost time and the conversation ended as their lunch breaks had been over for a few minutes. At that point, I went back to my desk. It's a interesting thing, pondering the strength or validity of a friendship based on the amount of time it would take someone to notice your death.

I can't figure out if I give some people too much credit or others too little, but I am fairly certain that many of the people that knew me when I was younger and that I barely talk to would probably know faster and have a more sincere reaction than people I see more frequently and have talked to recently. I developed better connections in my youth---most of the people I'm friends with now don't notice if I'm absent at general events so how long would it really take everyone in my facebook friends to know I'd passed if no post was made to facebook?

I think I have to come to the conclusion that some people would never really know. I think we clutter our lives with people we know, but that don't really know us and don't realy allow us to know them. I can even say that there are some people that I enjoy spending time with that I rarely have contact with outside of venues. I don't know favorite activities or foods, let alone what is going on in their lives on a daily basis.

It's much different than the question of people being sad or missing someone who is gone because in that category, there are always people that would miss a loved one or a friend, but wondering if you died in some way...how long would it take someone to notice? It goes along the questions people ask like how long would it take someone to find me if I passed out in the bathtub and died? You hear stories about people not found for weeks...I will never be one of those people. I hope I don't know anyone who thinks he or she will be.


In all likelihood, when I die, there will be a great disturbance in the force and all that care about me will know :P

Not that I'm completely loveable and awesome, or anything...