The Sweeter Things

claustrophobic heat, soaking though the skin
clothes plastered to her figure
taking drinks of water, sucking on ice cubes
before they can melt

and then
lightning
a strike, a rumble
the sky's become dark

an cloud's implosion
heavy with water
dumped down onto brittle grass

running outside
the ice water dripping and soaking
she's laughing and exhilarated
free of the sticky sweat

then caught in an embrace
a first
a kiss in the rain
sweet and simple
she laughs and runs
they both smile

the fire
the heat
the worry
all a cloud in the background

droplets of water
and a first
and a smile
a perfect laugh and small connection--the type of memory she can always hold on to.

A Real Nail-Biter

I've been biting my nails as long as I can remember. It's a nervous or bored habit. I sit and anxiously pick away, bite away at my nails/cuticles. Although in recent years, I've not bitten them to bleeding (as often), I didn't kick the habit for more than a week other than the month before my wedding (and even then, I cheated a bit).

The last couple weeks, I've worked on decluttering my environment, dealing with negative emotions when they come up, saying no when I feel stretched so that I don't over-commit myself, and being really honest with myself, especially as to why I feel sad or nervous or disconnected.

I've taken the time to polish and tend to my nail care properly. For the first time ever, I've been painting my nails and it make me feel beautiful. I don't want to destroy it--I want to keep going. (Trust me, they aren't the prettiest manicures--it's not a skill I've spent a great deal of time developing.)

The point is, I feel like it's a symbol for the value I'm discovering in myself. I will still have bad days, but when it comes to my overall emotional health, taking care of my body and environment, and moving toward a better version of me, I can do this.

I think it's a long time since I've believed that I'm the person with the power in my life. Hopefully I make the right decisions for myself with that power.

Wish for Better

As I sit here unwrapping a strawberry Starburst, I'm worried. The events over the weekend have shifted my thoughts from my petty self doubt and financial considerations to realizing that things are much worse and are likely to get difficult in the coming weeks for friends and families that live near the canyon fires.

I don't intend to stop working on myself and improving the quality of life for myself and my kiddos, but I think I forget sometimes that even when things feel like they're falling apart, they can get much worse.

I have had a rocky ride the last couple years, but when I think about the tornado that hit Windsor, the hurricane that affected friends in LA, and these fires, my insecurities seem fairly ridiculous.

I have the most important things in the world, two beautiful children who love me, a place to live, a job to provide with, and a very large number of family and friends who are truly there if I am humble enough to ask.

I pray that family and friends still have homes after the fire runs its course. I know we're all watching and waiting while brave men and women come in to try to lessen the impact and protect the people who are being evacuated.

Writing Songs in My Sleep

I have a lot of friends in music...and they're amazing. Performing is an art I have yet to master, but I think the part I find most impressive is the ability and willingness many of my friends have to take pieces of themselves and share them openly and completely with other people.

I am an incredibly insecure person when it comes to my talents at writing, singing, collage art, poetry, songwriting--I even have a tendency to destroy work I've created because it's so personal I can't bear the thought of the criticism.

Recently, I started sharing more, being more open about myself in my writing, allowing friends to see my collages and talking about topics with people I trust that I had previously deemed inappropriate. i don't know if I'm taking a stand or if I'm just sick of being insecure.

I think this all comes hand in hand with my desire to make the relationships, friendships, and motivations in my life to be honest, open, and my decision.

I'm hoping that by allowing my creative and emotionally energy out, I'll be a happier and a healthier person. I just have to get past being terrified.

I have dreams where I sing and sometimes I wake up and write part of them down. When I do sing them to myself in the shower or go over them while I write or collage, it does feel better. I hope that I can keep with this. I feel better when I have creative outlets.

I Need to Stand in the Rain

I made goals for myself last month to improve myself, finish all of my home projects, get everything done and doing it well. Here I am, it's the second week of June and between how hard I'm being on myself, my inability to complete all of those tasks, missing my children, and feeling like I'm letting all of my friends down, I haven't been sleeping well.

I think I want the end result I see in my future so badly that I keep taking today and complicating it.

People who truly care about me have been patient with me, coming by to help when I'm trying to get things done, but for the most part, I am frustrating myself with my lack of ability to ignore what I need to ignore to get what I need to done.

Text messages are becoming irritating. It's not that I don't want to spend time with people or that I don't want to talk, but texting wastes so much time. I used to be happy to sit around and text, talking to whomever, but my motivation to do what I need to in order to clean, heal, process, and feel better keeps getting hindered. I feel like I'm letting people down, which for me, is horrible.

I lose sleep at night--I always worry about the people I'm ignoring in order to do things for myself. I thought it was a problem with just my time with my kids, but it turns out that if I can't do something with a friend or with my family, my self hatred is ridiculous.

I'm at a breaking point. When I've been here before, I've gone back into my respective shell, giving up what I was trying to do. I'm not going to let that happen this time.

I don't know what the ramifications will be of this decision. I know that many of my friends are upset with how distant and noncommittal I have been for the last few weeks. I don't see that pattern getting better until I have my life in order.

When my divorce was finalized, I did not take the time to heal--I was running through life--I needed a job, we needed to survive.

My family is stable and safe now. I'm not becoming a hermit or refusing to relate to my world or my friends, but I am going to be taking a lot of time for myself. I hope that those of you who have known me well can understand and respect this decision. I need to heal. Mostly for myself, but also for my children and my friends.

So many people have told me how amazing and beautiful I am, but I have trouble seeing that when I look into the mirror. Until I see it, I know I have work to do. Thank you to those of you who have tried to help me on this journey. I wish that your efforts could solve the overall problem, but the truth is, it's my fight and I love you all. Thank you. I am taking this step to find the strength to see in myself what others have told me they see.

Until then, I hope you can forgive me for the times I am distant. Once I get through this and stop being afraid and start believing how strong I am instead of simply paying the idea lip service, I hope your'e still going to be there.

How to be Ageekable

I'm a geek. I'm a dork. I am also irritatingly adorable and ridiculously cute sometimes. I'd blame my vicinity to children, but being a mom hasn't made me this way, I'm naturally creative and silly and I love looking for small things to make life more interesting.

This week, I was given three magnets: a unicorn, a gnome, and a buffalo. I have magnetic poetry in my cubicle, along with a stuffed Spock, a magic geek ball, a lego TARDIS including the Dr & Amy Pond as well as flowers, pictures and cards from my kids, and collaging supplies.

The magnets made a lovely addition to my little ensemble. I've named the Buffalo Ralph and I've assigned the magnet "Surveillance" to him, the Gnome is named Wilson and he is in charge of the "Tech Support" magnet, obviously the unicorn is "Mission Control" and I've named him Harold. They are the new conversation starter in my cube--am I a complete and utter dork? Of course, but that's who I am and I wouldn't change it for anything.

I'm at work--there's no reason to get bored.

Monday, Monday (So Good to Me)

Let's face it, most people do not like Monday, there are far fewer phrases, songs, and general chatter idealizing Monday as opposed to cursing, disliking, and generally dissing on this poor day.

Why? Most people start the work week on Monday.

I dislike my weekend ending, but I'm actually finally in a place where I enjoy my coworkers, I feel fairly good at my job, and I don't mind being here for the time required to be paid the amount that I am in order to leave work and do the things I enjoy.

This is a good feeling.

I'm still iffy about my ability to make new friends and continuing on my weight loss and home organization goals, but being at work today and feeling happy on a Monday--I'm definitely settling into my life.