I Need to Stand in the Rain

I made goals for myself last month to improve myself, finish all of my home projects, get everything done and doing it well. Here I am, it's the second week of June and between how hard I'm being on myself, my inability to complete all of those tasks, missing my children, and feeling like I'm letting all of my friends down, I haven't been sleeping well.

I think I want the end result I see in my future so badly that I keep taking today and complicating it.

People who truly care about me have been patient with me, coming by to help when I'm trying to get things done, but for the most part, I am frustrating myself with my lack of ability to ignore what I need to ignore to get what I need to done.

Text messages are becoming irritating. It's not that I don't want to spend time with people or that I don't want to talk, but texting wastes so much time. I used to be happy to sit around and text, talking to whomever, but my motivation to do what I need to in order to clean, heal, process, and feel better keeps getting hindered. I feel like I'm letting people down, which for me, is horrible.

I lose sleep at night--I always worry about the people I'm ignoring in order to do things for myself. I thought it was a problem with just my time with my kids, but it turns out that if I can't do something with a friend or with my family, my self hatred is ridiculous.

I'm at a breaking point. When I've been here before, I've gone back into my respective shell, giving up what I was trying to do. I'm not going to let that happen this time.

I don't know what the ramifications will be of this decision. I know that many of my friends are upset with how distant and noncommittal I have been for the last few weeks. I don't see that pattern getting better until I have my life in order.

When my divorce was finalized, I did not take the time to heal--I was running through life--I needed a job, we needed to survive.

My family is stable and safe now. I'm not becoming a hermit or refusing to relate to my world or my friends, but I am going to be taking a lot of time for myself. I hope that those of you who have known me well can understand and respect this decision. I need to heal. Mostly for myself, but also for my children and my friends.

So many people have told me how amazing and beautiful I am, but I have trouble seeing that when I look into the mirror. Until I see it, I know I have work to do. Thank you to those of you who have tried to help me on this journey. I wish that your efforts could solve the overall problem, but the truth is, it's my fight and I love you all. Thank you. I am taking this step to find the strength to see in myself what others have told me they see.

Until then, I hope you can forgive me for the times I am distant. Once I get through this and stop being afraid and start believing how strong I am instead of simply paying the idea lip service, I hope your'e still going to be there.