Creativity Surge

I know I've only been doing it for a day, but my mood has already improved ten-fold. I think just the consistent eating through the day and having a way to regiment when/what I'm eating (instead of grabbing something when I realize I haven't eaten all day at 3pm) is making a drastic difference for my system. I already feel 20 pounds lighter, but I think it's the weight of feeling sleepy that has lifted.

Things I'm noticing:
-I'm singing along with the radio again
-If I can, I'm always toe tapping or doing small dance movements when I hear music
-I feel like smiling
-I'm okay being social or by being on my own, I feel generally content, even when I don't have my evenings planned out
-My shoulder blades don't hurt as badly--I'm not as tense!

Anyway, I'm hoping that I will continue to feel great. I'm not usually a fan of regimenting a super-planned diet, but if this can form a habit, I'm completely for it.

The Age of My Heart Doesn't Show

crippling faded black scar running a course under the stone around my heart
wrapped in passionate red concealing cracks, tears tainting its center
abscess-engraved life force weaving, waning through cut, drilled canals
a smile, sodium shard enforced glass shining out, easily unnoticed against flashing eyes

because everyone is happy here, right?

Lyrics: Charlotte Sometimes - How I Could Just Kill a Man

I love this song...she remakes the anger in the versions by Rage Against the Machine & Cypress Hill and has this great piece.

Go get your ribbon box
Go get your wounded heart
Seeing spiders, I'm told they never lie.

Go get your brother love
Go get your losing head
Seeing fire, I'm told it never burns.

I want it all, I pull you back. I want it all.

Cry baby, cry baby, cry. Soaking down your face.
Cry baby, cry baby, and you can't understand how I could just kill a man.

No to your letters love
No to unsturdy hands
Sleeping eyes, I'm told they never lie.

No to your key of rust
No to your raging words
Sleeping tires, I'm told they never drive.

(prechorus and chorus repeats)

If I wanted to stay, you won't stand in my way
But I'm choosing to leave with your heart on my sleeve
It feels too good without you

(chorus outro)

 

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vyZeF_DLq4

Lyrics: Die Brücke – Existential Angst (She Says)

F:

I want you to touch me

I made Jesus cry

I want you to touch me

I want you to touch me

I made Jesus cry

I want you to touch me

M:
I'm not to blame she says cuz they're all the same she says and
that's how she justifies the fence around her heart

He's not my friend she says, he's just a means to an end, she says and
that's why their every attempt is a failure from the start

F:

I made Jesus cry

I want you to touch me

M:
I feel a little confused she says, and I think that he felt used she says, and
you think maybe she's catching on that something isn't right

I hope they play my song she says, and then she strings them along and she says
at least we'll have the joy of one more perfect night

She scares herself with religious dread but she only believes it when she's not in bed
She hates herself and she cries out loud and she loses herself within the faceless crowd
She scares herself with religious dread but she only believes it when she's not in bed
She hates herself and she cries out loud and she loses herself within the faceless crowd

I'll never find the one she cries, and you see that haunted look in her eyes, and
you know she's spilling secrets that her words will never tell

So do you want me or not she says, and you know she knows that she's hot when she says,
follow me but don't get too close because I think I'm going straight to hell

She scares herself with religious dread but she only believes it when she's not in bed
She hates herself and she cries out loud and she loses herself within the faceless crowd
She scares herself with religious dread but she only believes it when she's not in bed
She hates herself and she cries out loud and she loses herself within the faceless crowd

"Once more unto the Breach, dear friends!" her glances seem to say
her battles fought on distant shores by night that vanish with the day
A marble maiden with her ember eyes and ribbons in her hair
A heart so hard and cold it must be broken with the proper care

She scares herself with religious dread but she only believes it when she's not in bed
She hates herself and she cries out loud and she loses herself within the faceless crowd
She scares herself with religious dread but she only believes it when she's not in bed
She hates herself and she cries out loud and she loses herself within the faceless crowd

She scares herself with religious dread but she only believes it when she's not in bed
She hates herself and she cries out loud and she loses herself within the faceless crowd
She scares herself with religious dread but she only believes it when she's not in bed
She hates herself and she cries out loud and she loses herself within the faceless crowd

Within the faceless crowd
Within the faceless crowd
Within the faceless crowd
Within the faceless crowd

Things that Annoy Me (and Why): Exhibit D

Entitlement drives me up the wall.

I can understand expecting certain things...life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness thrown in with decent shelter, potable drinking water, and healthy food. Education is something I with people felt more entitled to. What I'm finding, however, is that the weird things people think they "deserve" and "are owed" are ridiculous.

First thing, the right and complete ability to operate deadly machinery and technology without having to have any kind of training or monetary liability. Driving is the first thing in this category...no one has the "right" to drive. It is a privilege. If you can't follow the laws, then you have no business driving. It's the same with guns. If someone started randomly firing into crowds, they'd get arrested. Reckless driving falls into the same category. I'm far more worried about getting killed by an idiot in a car than I am about an idiot with a gun.

The next thing I don't get is this happy bubble that people live in that no matter where they expect to never be faced with a difficult situation, a loss, financial trouble, or anything else negative. Wake up...this is not nirvana. When you lose a job, someone dies, or something bad happens, it is acceptable to feel upset. It is not acceptable to act like the entire world is ending and you are never going to be happy again and acting like a "poor me" person for over a month. Get over yourself, move on, make a change. No one else is going to "make it better". Change your perspective, realize that bad things happen in life, and be more positive. I mean, I've seen people completely lose it over a pickle on a hamburger  That's insane.

Freedom of speech is an eeky version of this too. It's one thing to have an opinion, voice it using appropriate language in the appropriate context. It's another to be a slanderous, negative, asshole that insults everyone and tries to ruin live with words. People that think that anything they choose to say for whatever purpose they want as say it's their "right" to freedom of speech are just big-mouthed idiots that have no sense of propriety or understanding of what was intended in the Bill of Rights.

Credit falls into this category too. There is a widespread belief that because we live in America, any credit should be extended to any person so that they can buy whatever s/he desires. Newsflash: if you want the nice things, you have to work for it. Showing up for work everyday just like everyone else isn't going to get a promotion. Over-spending and having no sense of ownership is not going to build good credit. It will catch up with you and the magic "spending" lifestyle will end. Take one out of The Great Depression advice book: don't buy anything unless you have the money to do so. You don't have a right to a plasma television or a gaming system or a new espresso maker. Again, get over yourself.

Basically, I'm frustrated with the lack of responsibility. People buy houses they can't afford and blame the government. People get in accidents in cars without consideration of anything and do nothing but complain when the license is revoked. People lose jobs after barely doing any work and feel treated unfairly. What happened to good old responsibility and work ethic?

Admitting I Have a Problem is the 1st Step

I am not at a healthy weight. I am not at a weight where I feel energetic at all. I am not happy with my weight.

The truth is, I sit for my job. I sit, I work on the computer, and usually I miss lunch because I don't have much of an appetite most of the time.

I am getting heavier.

I have some muscle tone and I'm pretty strong, but I know that if I continue to do things the way I am, my life is not going to be as long as it would have if i decided to make a change.

When it comes to my body, I know a lot of things that could help me solve this problem:

•  The lazier I am, the less likely it is that I will ever be healthy or get ANYTHING done
•  If I change my diet, it changes things a little bit, but without cardio exercise, it does barely anything
•  Whatever change I make will have to be accessible when I'm at home, otherwise, I won't do it either due to needing to take care of the kids or lack of motivation to go wherever I need to go (I think this would change if I had more energy, but honestly, I know I'm going to have to force myself.)
•  Nothing is ever as effective as when I have to make the decision for myself and pay for it myself. I have to take responsibility for this. 

I think I'm a lot like a smoker, I'm addicted to being unhealthy because it's easier to just ignore it and let things pass me by. Today, I decided that's not going to work for me anymore. Yesterday I realized how many things I could do to make my life better with little effort. I have had a negative outlook on my days and I started thinking about why.

I'm too lazy and uninterested in my own well being. That has to change, and it is changing now.

So far, I'm still working on a plan. I will have to figure out how to save a little bit of money, because I think that having something simple would be nice, but I'm tryin to figure out the first step.

A lot of machines have a lot of reviews that are positive and negative and they take up a lot of space which, let's face it, in a small condo with two kids and three cats, probably isn't the best decision. I did find that there were a lot of compact things though, cheaper that might get me started on the right track.

It's no secret that I love to watch sci fi and vampire shows and extremely poorly made movies.  When I thought about what would motivate me to do an hour of cardio everyday, I know that I would do it if I could watch something as long as that's what I was doing. (And if I could have a cup or glass of tea when I was finished.)

So I'm thinking what kind of compact exercise aides are out there? So far, with reviews and information/function for someone like me, these three are my favorite:

1. Stamina 55-1610 InMotion E1000 Elliptical Trainer at $90

2. Phoenix Denise Austin 99120 Mini Stepper Plus at $65

 

3. (Although this one would be a supplement to those above) Everlast for Her Twist Board at $8

 

I actually think using all three to switch things up would be good, but I think I'm also going to have to at least do something drastic for a month or two with my diet. 

I haven't been eating well and I know it. With my current food budget situation, I would be able to easily do something like the SlimFast diet and work toward making healthier choices (because I know how to and have been ignoring it) as I gain more and more energy and motivation. 

I know that a lot of my friends don't believe in drastic diets, but look at me. This has to change and I'm going to have to do something drastic to start in order to get to something balanced in the finish.

If anyone has advice or comments I won't be offended by the way. For me, this is admitting that I'm addicted to a bad lifestyle so consider anything you have to say a helpful intervention. 

Transforming Good to Great

I allow myself to have a lot of not-so-good or mediocre days. I honestly think it's a factor of laziness and a lack of effort on my part. Granted, some circumstances and problems make it nearly impossible to have anything other than a bad day. Everyone has them, but I think if I really made an effort, I could make a lot of my days amazing by remembering some of the things that improve my life.

So again, I am going to make a list of things that relax and make me happy. I need to remind myself that the numbers in my bank account and events on my calendar don't determine everything about my life.

1. Reading a good book before bed
2. Enjoying a snack snuggled up on the couch watching a program or movie after the kids go to sleep
3. Wrestling/Being a horsey for Kev & Evie
4. Sneaking a square of dark chocolate while making dinner
5. Dancing to music or playing Just Dance/Just Dance 2
6. Playing Bejeweled
7. Playing a board game and talking with a friend over a warm drink

8. Laughing (either at something, someone, through a bad movie, or however I can...slap-happiness is acceptable)
9. Stretching for a few minutes when I wake up and before I go to sleep
10. Staring at a movie screen in the dark with a soda and bucket of popcorn (either theater or at home)
11. Writing an idea or poem on my napkin
12. Making a collage or buying supplies to do so (Seriously, I love buying tape...or receiving tape. Tape is awesome)
13. Talking to a family member on the phone (Usually my mom or gram)
14. Playing dress up
15. Coloring (I prefer colored pencils)
16. Baking (Dangerous though...have to not eat the creations)
17. Cooking a well-thought out family meal, laughing and eating together at the table
18. Snuggling with the kids, cats, or my fuzzy blanket
19. Getting hugs
20. Wiping down the kitchen after a meal (I hate dishes, but the feeling of soap and warm water when I wipe the table and counters feels really nice)
21. Singing (In the shower, sweeping, wherever...music makes everything more amazing)
22. Looking at pictures of faraway places
23. Receiving an e-mail update from someone I haven't seen in awhile (or reading a friend's blog)
24. Telling someone what I really think about something without having to worry about having the "wrong" opinion
25. Sitting on a cushy couch in a nicely decorated room with a beverage
26. Enjoying a cold drink outside on a sunny day
27. Attempting to play racquetball, tennis, billiards, ping pong, volleyball or another "sport" that I love but lack any great talent in (and laughing at myself)
28. Paintball, dirt-biking, or really doing anything outdoors with my dad/brother
29. Shopping with my mom or gram (groceries, glancing in windows, walking around... just enjoy the time)
30. Looking at the artistic creations of children (I mean especially my own, but a child's art is so much more interesting than an adult's)
31. Enjoying a music scene
32. Writing in my journal
33. Walking around a park
34. Perusing in a museum
35. Visiting a campus and watching the people
36. Going somewhere I've heard of but never been before
37. Finding crazy deals with cards, coupons, sales, etc
38. Trying a new look (make up/hair/clothes)
39. Getting a compliment
40. Brushing/combing my hair while I listen to music
41. Looking up new songs/getting new songs online
42. Finding song lyrics for music I really like
43. Watching interviews and reading speeches of people I admire
44. Having a tea party with Evie (or adults, tea is awesome)
45. Going to the theater (meaning dinner theater, musicals, plays, I love them all)
46. Trying a new random LK recipe and find out it tastes really good
47. Being in a park with a playground, swings, and green space (possibilities are endless)
48. Getting beyond the idea of being cold/wet and going swimming, playing in the snow, tubing, snowboarding, boating, etc. (Remembering sunscreen also helps add to the enjoyment)
49. Making silly faces
50. Taking pictures

There are probably a ton more, but I will stop at 50 because this is a good reminder that if I really wanted to, I could make each and every day more positive and fun.

The Invention of Guilt

Sitting, smiling, contemplating the rest of my day
Terse movements, rigid, you seem stressed
"Are you okay?"

It is relationships

It's money

I had this conversation

Nothing going right

And I'm here to listen

My smile fades
Could it be me
What did I do
Did I impact or move something along
Did this day, life, universe get ruined because of me

Has to be
Had to be
Always
Let me fix it
Let me help that
I will think of something
I will work this out

And you're fine, it's all figured out

I am emotionally, fiscally, and figuratively spent.

Time to curl up in that fuzzy blanket and go to sleep.

A Grown-Up Birthday Wish

Yep, today I turned 26. More and more, I am less and less interested in this particular date on the calendar. January 18th. Okay...I didn't really accomplish anything today. Honestly, the births of my children are far more significant--I really had to work for those!

Nonetheless, it's tradition to mark today, to celebrate today, for people in my life to be happy that I exist on this anniversary, today.

Some of my friends regularly take their birthdays off. A nice way, I suppose, to enjoy a quiet day, but my birthday has either always been off (due to its being on MLK weekend) or been one of the first days back to school. I couldn't take it off before and honestly, I don't think it's my best choice to take off work with so many responsibilities.

I always try to figure out, if I could do something significant to mark a birthday what would it be? I don't have too much of answer to that question, but I think this year, the plans are nice. Over the next few days I have sushi and dancing with friends, having coffee and playing paintball with my dad, enjoying a nice birthday dinner with Chinese food at my parents' home, and checking something incredible off of my life list: having tea at the Brown Palace.

I feel very lucky to have so many caring people in my life right now. However, getting older can be kind of negative when I actually have to admit it so I'm going to share my favorite bday card I've received this year so far:

I also started pondering today all of the different songs I've listened to through the years. And so, here are my favorite LK theme songs 1985 - Present:

1985: Wham! "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"
1986: The Bengals "Manic Monday"
1987: Beastie Boys "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (to Party)"
1988: Joan Jett and The Blackhearts "I Hate Myself for Loving You"
1989: R.E.M. "Stand"
1990: Tom Petty "Free Fallin"
1991: R.E.M. "Losing My Religion"
1992: Queen "Bohemian Rhapsody"
1993: Haddaway "What is Love"
1994: Ace of Base "Don't Turn Around"
1995: Melissa Etheridge "I'm the Only One"
1996: Sheryl Crow "If it Makes You Happy"
1997: Meredith Brooks "Bitch"
1998: Matchbox 20 "Girl Like That"
1999: Barenaked Ladies "One Week"
2000: Delerium feat. Sarah Machlachlan "Silence"
2001: Alicia Keyes "Fallin"
2002: Avril Lavigne "Things I'll Never Say"
2003: Jet "Are You Gonna Be My Girl"
2004: Hoobastank "The Reason"
2005: Butch Walker "Mixtape:"
2006: Kelly Clarkson "Because of You"
2007: Taylor Swift "Teardrops on My Guitar"
2008: Plasmacrash "Leveller"
2009: Die Brücke "Existential Angst (She Says)"
2010: Taylor Swift "Innocent"
2011: Pink "Raise Your Glass"

Granted, these songs don't represent most of the music I love, but if you want to get me singing or moving, these work pretty well.

Sodapop & Sudafed

Good morning...well not really. I think somehow a brick was lodged in my sinuses last night as I slept. Even with the Neti pot, a nice hot shower, and some tea, there's barely been a dent made in the coarse pan along my nasal passages.

And so, I went and bought some decongestant. Honestly, it amazes me what a complicated process it is to receive one box of 48 tablets. Granted, I am aware that it can be used in the process of creating meth, but for the sick girl that just wants to buy it so that she can take two, the license exchange, time spent doing data entry, and filling out the paperwork is a little too much. I didn't complain to the pharmacist and I won't go to the government telling them the law is inconvenient, however, to the meth creators: you suck and caused me an extra 15 minutes of nasal aggravation this morning.

I did, however, make a mistake in the drink I chose to take the decongestant and other pills I take in the morning. Diet Coke with Lime is tasty, but the second the pills hit my empty stomach (mistake number 2), I regretted it. And so I will now try to eat some bread to soften my stomach, but I think today may be a little rough. I hope this cold doesn't last long...

My Life as a Sitcom?

I think it's more or less official that my life would make a much better television show some days than it does a real life. (Seriously, half of the things that have happened to me seem much more like a "you've been punked" joke than something that could actually happen.)

Recently, a few friends joked that I should have a show and i have been pondering what I would call a show based on my haphazard life. Some of the suggestions: LK Unraveling, LK's Life, Crazy Kat Lady.

I can't say I'm overly thrilled about any of them because I wouldn't likely watch a show with any of those names and I'm thinking that a show about me is something I would hope people would be interested in. I mean, with a little rewriting it could be more funny, less unbelievable, and enjoyable.

So help me out. What's your idea and why do you think it would fit?

Consider the following:

In the last week, my son was in the hospital with a mystery diagnosis, my furnace went out, I found a kitten in a parking lot, I had lunch with my adopted grandma and her sister, I fell down the stairs while carrying my son, I had daughter drama as she fought about going back to school, I cooked a casserole dish in the microwave because I didn't have time to use the oven  (looked awful, tasted amazing), etc. etc.

With the added drama of friends, family, and evil exes, what will happen next?

The Benefits of Having a Mother who Games

Children, there are numerous reasons you should be incredibly thankful for mothers that play role-playing games, video games, and board games:

1. Your name is not Amberlaine, Dracon Feuer, Tessyton, Ruckley, Ba'Dass, Emony, Krissianna, Strongbad, Kittilaina, Forcewind, Raphael, Heartplate, Dax, Prometheus, Yarn Gnome, Azirini, Zug, Dezon, Edzec, Vazu, Audrid, Xaba, Hothot-ugn, Lil-Bo, R'othartam, Worf, or Kitty Panda because Mommy has player, non-player, familiar, and pet characters she can name cool things instead of causing you problems at school.


2. Instead of saying no all of the time, we leave it to a coin flip or a die roll. Trust me, you get your way a lot more often this way because it's about chance and not practicality.


3. Mothers may limit your video game playing time, but at least we understand. Isn't it better to have a mom that will play with you than one that tells you it's rotting your brain and you should never play? Hand eye coordination is very important.


4. Some families go to Yellowstone, others go to Comicon, and a few do both. Be thankful we're interested in exploring possibilities. Creativity goes a long way in planning vacations and everything else. We don't even have to leave the house to have an adventure.


5. You get to play with foam swords and pretend no matter how old you are without being ridiculed. You don't have to, but you know it's fun. And yes, I wear ridiculous costumes sometimes. At least I don't dress in spandex and hot pink over-sized sweaters.


6. It's easier to believe in wishes and dreams when you have a parent to believe in them with you. Want to be a rockstar or archaeologist? Let's do this! If you're committed, so am I. Mommy's characters didn't level up all alone.


7. I respect your privacy because I want some of my own. Leave my dice alone, you want some, ask Santa for some for Christmas.


8. I'm more inclined to let you become who you want to be. I wasn't a cheerleader or jock in high school, so if you are that's fine, but you had better be nice to the geeky types! Being both is all right too :)


9. My idea of a gym is Just Dance on the Wii. You get to make fun of me and I don't have to leave home to exercise. You know you like it too...



10. Your life will never be boring. You can say:

Security Breached

assaulted brain cells
cannot comprehend, keep up, find, fix
it's all a mess

Where did this mess come from?
How did I not complete so many things that I cannot complete anything new before dealing with this blur?
I cannot move forward through the muck.
This junk, the physical, physiological, emotional, religious, social, standard, mental...why did I let it remain?

bound to tornado
too far away from the epicenter
not close enough to the outside

no piece
peace of mind
around available or for me

It's time to clean up this damned catastrophe.

Dear Evil Kitten Forsaker

Seriously, what is wrong with you? What kind of person abandons a little kitten in the middle of a busy slush-filled parking lot?

She's a sweet little tortie. She can't be too much more than 2 months old. And now, being the kind-hearted girl I am, I couldn't leave her in the parking lot.

So you're a jerk and didn't have the balls to get her a home or take her to the shelter and now I feel obligated to find her somewhere to go.

(By the way, if you were trying to murder the cat, you're a complete pussy. I also hate you more than I would for abandoning her if you were hoping she'd get run over.)