The Downside of Dependency

I've been in a woman's group for the past few months where we've examined things like family dynamics, person set backs, excuses, dealing with emotions, and we've recently come to a section on relationships. This last week we've been discussing dependency and what different types of dependency look like and then what a healthy relationship would look like. Sometimes, we're not only talking about romantic relationships but also those friendships that are close as well as family relationships.

I know that I have a few unhealthy friendships, but when I look at the different types of dependency and then what a healthy relationship should look like, I definitely feel like I have a lot of learning/growing to do and a lot of things on my mind are in question right now.

I think it's really easy in our society to fall into dependent relationships. We spend too much time thinking about what we want and not enough time seeing what is really there and getting to know people. Here's a bit of what I'm learning and thinking about right now:

In a dependency relationship, the two people involved can't be whole, single happy people when they are alone--they have to be together and it's confining. There is no room for personal growth.

In a smothering relationship, one person cannot live or function without the other person. There is no room for two people to grow in this situation.

In a pedestal relationship, one person "worships" who s/he believes the other person is. This creates judgmental and high expectations that no one can live up to, resulting in emotional distance, high turnover, and generally driving one another crazy.

In a master/slave relationship, one person is subjected to the other persons needs/wants and it's very rigid. There is a high amount of emotional distance, constant power struggle, and problems with intimacy and communication.

In a boarding house relationship, there is no expression of love, two people live together but do not share communication or otherwise, it's confining with no hope for emotional growth or involvement.

In a martyr relationship, one person controls the other through guilt as they are constantly framing the relationship in terms of the sacrifices and things done for the other person. This leaves the party receiving help without power or ability to express their true desires or needs which leads to resentment and emotional distance.

So what is a healthy relationship? It's normal to go through patches in a relationship with these types of dependency, but what should a person really strive for? A healthy relationship is two people who can be whole, complete, and happy without a partner. Their emotions are not partner dependent. These people choose to stay together instead of needing to be together. In a healthy relationship, there is love, emotional expression, and open communication. There is space to grow and be your own person in a healthy relationship and you do not use the other person to meet inner needs. In a healthy relationship, you're able to work things through with communication and expression of love.

How do you do that? A lot of work...you really have to know who you're getting involved with. You have to look at the messages you're sending yourself, and instead of falling in love and devotion, maybe it's better to put the brakes on and make sure that you know who you're dealing with. If you fall too far into a dependent type of relationship, especially an abusive one, as time goes on, it's only harder to get out of it.