RAWR

I've been feeling uncharacteristically tense lately...not sleeping well, not eating well, but not feeling terrible so I can't blame allergies, and I've been taking care of things, so generally, I shouldn't feel stressed.

I've even been productive. I've been able to complete work tasks easily, plan out my finances, get organized for weekend activities, sort my purse, getting rid of trash and unnecessary items--I should be jolly/bouncing off the walls.

Maybe it's a change in the weather?

I feel like this happens to me at least for a couple of days each season. I know that exercise might help me to be less restless so I think I'm going to have to kick it into gear before I become irritable.

I seriously wish that there was a way to add just a little more time to the day so that every afternoon I could go for a swim without having to worry about childcare. I feel like a lot of exercise programs really are designed for stay at home mothers or two parent families because childcare is generally only available during normal work hours (when a single mom like me is at work...). I really liked when I belonged to 24 hour fitness because of the TKE and Zumba classes, i really need to make myself start doing something at home so I can start feeling better.

I think beginning again is the hardest part because it's when the energy level is the lowest. I need to push myself. Ready...set....hopefully Go.

Altered Perceptions - What is Normal?

I recently had a discussion with one of my very favorite people on the planet about my interests. She thought that my love of concerts, steampunk, goth, etc could be perceived as dark or strange and she was wondering how I dealt with that.

Generally, I don't.

I have discovered that for certain music and events, I like to dress up, go out, hang out with friends, laugh, dance, and have fun.

At times that kids aren't at home, being mom can mean not having a social life, and sitting at home wishing the kids were home is a long and boring-- without motivation. I started going to concerts initially to have a small part of my life just for myself. Now I really enjoy it.

I miss the kids when they're gone, but my love of music and events gives me something to do and be passionate about--it's actually gotten me back into my writing and also into painting and playing with music at home when I'm feeling creative. I'm first and foremost a mom, but that isn't all that I am.

Although someone might perceive my love of costumes and events as strange, I kind of think a lot of things people are interested can be perceived that way. I mean what is the difference between dressing up for a steampunk convention and wearing paint and logos and jerseys and going to a sports event?

I really fail to see the difference.

When men walk down the street with their chests and faces painted in the colors of their favorite team, I shrug it off--it doesn't seem strange to me. Where more people may accept that as normal, I don't understand how they can consider costuming for a Renaissance faire, concert or convention as any different--people all have unique interests.

I think we try to figure out how other people perceive us or may perceive us, but the true key is figuring out what matters. Do I like dressing up? Yes, I have a very childlike love of costuming and events. I love music and I love being out and about when my children aren't home to be with me. What do my costumes say about me? Hopefully that I'm having fun and enjoying my hobbies.

Pick a Box, Any Box

People like boxes...they want to take a person, categorize that person into a neatly wrapped box, and place it on the shelf for if/when they ever need a person of that type. Recently, I've been asked what I like or dislike...although not entirely an attempt to box me in, I will oblige you in a few categories.

Like: Gnomes
Dislike: Clowns

Like: Steampunk
Dislike: Traditional Classical

Like: Calamari & Escargot
Dislike: Tapioca & Bread Pudding

Like: Conscientious
Dislike: Pretentious

Like: Veggies without seasoning
Dislike: Most things people like to deep fry

Like: Gothic
Dislike: Emo

Like: Scientific Discoveries / Breakthroughs / New Information
Dislike: Talking about Rules & Terminology

Like: Discussions and Exchanges of Information
Dislike: Hard-headed Arguments

Like: Being Right
Dislike: Admitting When I'm Wrong

Like: Sarcasm
Dislike: Recycled Jokes

Like: Dark/Sardonic
Dislike: Abusive/Insensitive

Like: Animals
Dislike: Pet Parent/Animal People

Like: Performing
Dislike: Being Watched

If you're not confused, congrats. If you are, don't worry, you're normal. We all have our quirks. Have you found a box to place me in on your shelf?

I'd Rather Have Ants

I wouldn't say I'm a cool person...I'm a bit hot-headed. (Let's be honest, if I get revved up, calming down is not my forte.)

Lately, I have been happy but stressed, and for the most part, I have been doing well. I've been able to breathe, take a walk, think through the messages I'm giving myself about a situation in order to really check what's going on and where my feelings are coming from. 

The problem is, I'm only able to apply the strategies when I'm not particularly connected to the person or situation causing the feelings of anger/hurt/etc. When it's someone I care about and I'm close to, it's much harder to separate it all out, and I feel the overall impulse to push people away when I'm getting upset. 

I know that it's good that I'm noticing that I do it, but I can't figure out why I can't stop and reexamine a situation that is closer to home when I'm not allowing myself to get befuddled over the little things any longer. I'm hoping that practice over time will help. I know a lot of people struggle with the same thing.

I know that it's easier to get angry/upset with people who are closer because it's safer. When I push, they pull. When they push, I pull, and everything turns out all right for the most part. I also know I'm not the only person who wishes that I could switch how I react to strangers with how I react to those close to me when I get upset.

Always something to work on...

Bruce Rosenbaum : My New Steampunk Idol

I've done a lot of reading about steampunk because it fascinates me. The creative meshing of the Victorian aesthetic with modernization is not only aesthetically pleasing, but each person has a unique style they add to their personal effects, almost like a fingerprint of an artist on a popular movement.

I haven't had a lot of time and money to create my own pieces, but a recent news article sent my eye toward a man that really is into steampunk for the rights reasons--he was creating new pieces and adding them to old furnishings through restoration before ever hearing or knowing about the subculture.

If you look at the articles, the pictures are amazing. As I'm heading to Anomaly Con this weekend, I thought this would be an appropriate choice. Enjoy a few photos, but visit http://thephoenix.com/Boston/life/135933-bruce-rosenbaum-steampunk-interior-designs-unlik/ and http://steampunkworkshop.com/visit-steampunked-home for more!

Why I Love my Grandpa

Quotes from Signs My Grandpa Sent Me:

"Private Sign, Do Not Read"

"CAUTION: Please be aware that the balcony is not on ground level."

"We will no longer accept money out of undergarments."

"Please Note: As from 27th October,all staff will be required to arrive at work with teeth. If you don't have, please provide proof that you are getting some. Thank you."

"Attention: Do not leave items of value in vehicle. You are in Stockton, not Fairyland."

"Please do not walk on grass" (on patch fo dirt)

"Slow down. The cop hides behind this sign." (police car in background)

"Warning: Fasten bra straps and remove dentures. Very bumpy road."

"Save Energy! How would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?"

"CAUTION: This sign has SHARP EDGES. Do not touch the edges of this sign."

"Please Be Safe. Do not stand, sit, climb, or lean on zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you and that might make them sick. Thank you."

"HIKERS and BIKERS: Move to the side of the road when a vehicle approaches."

What does that even mean?

I work with claims...some days happen without event, people know they owe bills, and business continues as usual. I have, however, encountered some really interesting name-calling and threats. All I can say is...What does this even mean? A few examples of things that make me worry for humanity:

-I'm going to come down there and cuss at you so hard, the police will have to get involved

-I'm going to sue you until the end of time

-I don't care if I'm responsible per some contract, you have no right to send me a bill

-Of course I signed the contract, but who reads those?

-It's your responsibility to tell me everything that I need to know before I rent a vehicle

-You're a lying, cheating, stealing *******, and **** (Reply: Sir, I don't work there, I'm at a claims office in....) * PAUSE* Oh, I'm sorry, I'm going to go talk to them (hangs up)

Sometimes, phone calls at work are synonymous with ***FACE PALM***, all day long.

I Am Cold & I Like Purple

I like obvious questions because I like direct, straight-forward answers. For example, I have a purple sweater. Why are you wearing that sweater? I am cold and I like purple.

I think about the way my kids relate to the world. For them, many things that adults complicate are simple, their conclusions do not draw from purely logical facts and relations.

For example: why are you reading Dr. Seuss? The answer could be "because I'm wearing blue" or "my milk was good in my cereal". They feel no reason to explain these conclusions and it's a wonderful reminder every day about how much I wish that something along those lines would make sense for me.

ABCD...

My task for myself today was to try to get the international phonetic alphabet into my head because I actually used "Mermaid" to confirm M, "Unicorn" to confirm U, "Battlestar" to confirm B, and "Xylophone" to confirm X. Other people use the words from the phonetic alphabet instead of saying B like Battlestar or whatever other nonsense I've been saying.

For those who do not know it:
Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel, India, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike, November, Oscar, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, Uniform, Victor, Whiskey, X-ray, Yankee, Zulu
(At least that's the version I've found, I'm sure there are variations.)

Anyhow, wish me luck...I want to be comfortable replacing letters since claim numbers can include both alphabetic and numeric characters. (That and trying to confirm spellings of things...other people use it to talk to me, I need to be comfortable translating the words to letters and vice versa!)

I'm Not a Doormat...Not for Anyone

I don't know what it is lately, but the more I deal with people, the less I want to let anyone into my life that isn't already there. Outside of my family and really close friends, the people on the outskirts of my trust keep making me feel like I really can't let anyone else in. 

I am so sick of half-promises and forgotten words, showing up late (or forgetting to show up), and especially of feeling like I'm not important enough or special enough to deserve common courtesies or acknowledgment. 

I think I do a fairly good job of listening, trying to listen to the views of others, coordinating, showing up, being a good friend, and making sure that people know that I care about them. If I fail at this, I hope someone tells me...I like to be there for the people in my life and I hope they know that I am.

What I don't understand a lot of the time is the flip-side of the coin. So here's the ranting portion of this blog:

Who do you think you are that you can break plans and do whatever you want without contacting me, calling me later, and how can you possibly think that everything will be just fine a few days after you've slighted me?

Do you think I give a damn about all of the crap you buy yourself or the things that you blow me or other friends off to do? Can you not see what a selfish ass it makes you when every concern, conversation, purchase, dinner or movie choice is all about what YOU want? 

Do you even care about my interests or have you assumed what I like, what I need, what I'm into or not into doing? Have you ever taken one second to stop projecting who you want me to be and seen who is standing here?

Should we even be friends? Are we even friends? OR am I just the girl you call when you need someone who wants to do what you want? Are you ever going to follow through when it's something that is important to me? How many times do you think you'll get away with lying and not listening until I get fed up?

Cuz I've got news for you, "buddy", I'm not just someone who only cares about what you want. The first couple times, it's okay, I don't mind trying things and being a friend to someone and getting to know their interests or help them out, BUT I'm my own person and if your only interest is you, don't let the door hit you on the way out. That's not friendship. If there's no give/take on both sides, it's not worth it, at least not to me. 

Frills, Thrills, and Being a "Girl"

I admit it...I freaking love shoes, flowers, and pretty things. I generally promise that I'm purely geeky (let's face it, I just added a lego Tardis to my desk at work along with gnomes and a geek 8 ball), and the things that really make me smile are ridiculous and superfluous. This following rant is brought to you by a comment from a person who will remain unnamed:

Along these lines, I think about people that I know who have small businesses or passions that seem traditionally "female". A good friend of mine sells PartyLite, I sell Mary Kay, and another friend of mine knows more about cloth diapers than anyone I've never met. Are we silly/crazy...no, we're practical females with a hobby we enjoy that happens to be "girly".

When people have poked fun at my wish to coordinate colors and silly obsession with going to a salon or wearing a skirt to feel pretty, I'm happy with that side of myself. I think there's a lot of noise out there suggesting that all women who believe in equal rights somehow want to be thought of differently in the "traditional" female sense. For everyone that has issues with this, let me spell it out for you: People are not the same. Each person has their own likes or dislikes and just as you can't dictate what they like or do not like, you do not get to judge another person based on these things and arbitrarily attach gender to it.

I like some "girly" things...I don't think you need to be a girl to like those things and I don't like that certain activities are cause for ridicule or laughing. Some people like getting their nails done, some people like getting mud under their nails, and some people like both. I can be a frilly geek...I can be whatever I want. If you think I'm going to change based on a comment, I feel sorry for you. You must be insecure enough about something you enjoy that you feel the need to chide me...maybe focus on that.

Tips on Dealing with a Kind Person

It's wonderful when you meet someone sweet, willing and eager to help. It's great to know there are people who give without expecting anything in return, except maybe a thank you or common courtesy.

However, these people are easy to take advantage of. They offer openly with a smile and sometimes that is met with complacency and advantage. So here are a few tips to prevent a nice person from later considering you a non-friend and user.

1. If you eat at the person's house, be respectful.

It isn't likely that he or she wants repayment or food brought to add if you were invited to dinner. You aren't expected to cook or wipe down the kitchen or take out the trash. However, be courteous. Take your own dishes into the kitchen, throw away your trash, and say THANK YOU. If you don't at least display common courteous behavior when someone is doing something nice for you, you're being a jerk.

2. Call during the good times and the bad

If you're only contacting one of your friends when something goes wrong, you're lonely, you need something, or you need to vent, you're using that person. Friendship helps hold us up when we're falling down, but it should also be a sharing of good times, good news, and fun activities. Just because one friend is really helpful when things get rough doesn't mean that you only contact him/her when they are.

3. Ask about your friend's life

If you spend every minute of every conversation talking about your life, how well do you really know your friend? Remember that it's a two-way street. Nice people sometimes don't ask for support when they need it because s/he thinks that it would make him/her a bad friend if s/he needs help sometimes. Make sure that you're displaying that you're wanting a real friendship with a two-way street. If you're comfortable enough, ask on occasion if s/he could use help with something you notice or know that s/he is working on.

These Are My Feet

I feel like I'm a real adult now...I've been offered help recently and turned it down. I've managed to get all of the financial crises under control on my own. In the past, I would borrow here or accept a gift because I really couldn't make it so that my life would run and everything would keep going.

For the first time in my adult life, I feel independent of my family and the friends/significant others apprised of my situation. I'm not running ahead, paying off all of the debt from my marriage and everything else in one bound, but I'm paying the bills, taking care of my family, digging into the debt, and I have finally started to establish a reserve for emergencies.

There's a very calm feeling that I haven't ever had before in regard to finances, like maybe I'm finally starting to get out of the pit, and the fact that I've done it on my own after all I've been through makes me feel very proud.

For a long time, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to set a good example of budgeting and planning for my kids because I'd never had to do it before. I was completely wrong and underestimated myself. Shame on me, I should have known that I'd get here---after all, I am pretty awesome.