ashes to dust

The whisper brushed across her eyelash like a butterfly in slow motion
a gentle, solemn smile crossed her lips
she immediately felt a guilty pit in her stomach and closed her eyes

she could hear the music drifting from main street
"Don't go chasing waterfalls..."
and it echoed around the metal carrier being observed

the minister looked up and down again to the notecard in his Bible
the glasses slipping slightly down his nose
reciting words that all had heard before

Ashes and dust, she thought, we return to the earth,
yet protect remains in a metal box
a tribute, a place that can be visited. She did not know if it was curious or not.

The man spoke of death being a beautiful part of life
she saw her aunt place eye drops in her eyes
and her brother look down sternly as he quickly wiped side of his cheek

her heart was covered in gauze and placid confusion
she barely heard the words
and could not find the tears behind her eyes

she kept noting the small, bizarre things that affected her stomach
the smell of fresh caught earthworms
as if it was seeping over the smell of dusty fake flowers and old women's perfume

so much seeming between those carrying tears and those staring on
the box on the metal frame
above the deep hole that should be there and yet appeared out of place

I would not like to return here for death, she thought
not even my own
and she closed her eyes, keeping her arms hugged close to her body

Until it was finally over.

A Pause in the Rushing Summer

The heat settles on the pavement, my children run and play along with the time. They enjoy a splash in the cool water of the lake while Mom and Dad try to fish. I take a photograph against the Colorado sunset sky during a constantly interrupted nature walk. I read a story as the night sets outside the curtains and the children dream of unicorns. So much time to enjoy but it always goes too fast.

I wear a skirt to combat the heat as we enjoy the shops and vendors at the Renaissance fair. I fix my daughter's dress which has been torn. I want to be angry, but she plays so hard, so rough, laughing all the way. I would much rather a rowdy, playful child than I would a clean and proper dress.

My daughter has her first moments in camps, making friends, laughing, journalling, and I find new reason to be proud of her every day.

My son learns to pedal his bike, takes his first swings at t-ball, and is nearly swimming. His smile is so bright, and I can only laugh when I see how goofy he is to wearing his Batman suspenders.

I have an angel and a clown, a tomboy and a prince, a scientist and a storyteller, and I could not be happier.

Then they fight. Sibling tittering that would drive the sweetest grandma in the world entirely bonkers approaching rage.

I find solace in the eyes of my love despite the struggles of the work that never gets done and the list of to-dos that fall to the wayside as the summer rushes on. He has learned to enhance my heart, he has the ability to pause a perfect moment and makes me capable, important and loved when I'm beginning to doubt myself.

He wears a matching shirt with my son, and he doesn't know it, but I revel when I see him beam as they show off their shirts--my two dear comedians.

When I am at peace, I am in the moment. When I leave my focus, I only see the things that aren't getting done, the endless worry, and the thought that I will never catch up with the list I must complete.

Then I sit back as the grill simmers and realize that the important things are getting done--there's not as much to worry about as I thought.

I just wish the summer wasn't passing so quickly. I want to marinade in the moments as my children grow, as my darling makes me laugh, and as the wind brushes my hair in the cool evening air on the patio. These are the things I will keep with me.

Tick Tock

Do you hear the clock tick tick tocking away?

It's slower today
Your perception of time is slowed
Excited for a three day weekend

And so the burden of the seconds
Is melting forward
Each second a frozen ice cube waiting to thaw

Work has been incredibly productive today

No extra calls
Mostly left messages and emails sent
Awaiting reply

Vacation has already started for the others

But you're sitting
A slave to the clock created of your excitement
But do not worry

The three day weekend is on the horizon

Hopefully the seconds don't speed up too much!

Important Nonsense

I laugh much more now

I rarely feel like crying 

but when I do

the tears fall instead of welling up in my heart as anger

I'm less self conscious

less likely to pick at my own mistakes

I appreciate my oddity

instead of hiding 

I'm not ashamed of the things that matter to me

There's no need to be self conscious

in the gaze of your love

in the admiration of the children

I handle it all so well.

I don't remember a time that I've been this together

at peace with myself

instead of struggling, wondering, wishing

that I had some talent of another person

envious of another life, another past

It was all so exhausting

But everything is brighter

The little stresses are merely there

just another task

instead of a massive mountain never to be on the summit of

Now when I say that everything is possible

I actually believe it

Taking Pay it Forward One Step Further

I know there are organizations like the Make a Wish foundation that grant wishes to children with cancer and other harsh life conditions and project like Extreme Makeover that honor people/organizations who have done extraordinary things in the community or have special circumstances, but what about an organization that works to make the dreams of ordinary people come true?

I often think about what I would do with extra time or extra money, and when I fantasize about having that ability, all I can think about is the look on a person's face when something that they never expected to happen but that they'd dreamed about actually came true.

For one of my friends, I think it would be going to a concert of her favorite musician as a surprise for her birthday.

For another, it would be a van so that he could take his act on the road.

Everyone has small, attainable dreams that we don't think about because it is frivolous or life just moves too fast to make the plans.

I love seeing supportive funds pop up to help bands make their dreams or people entering a fundraiser 10k for a disease that needs more awareness.

I would like to see more people, more groups, more humanity out on the streets and looking for the next smile to make someone's day.

For some people, it's as easy as a cup of coffee or making a cake on her birthday. For others, it's getting to watch the big fight on the big screen. I think more of life needs to be about making dreams come true.

I think I'm going to be preoccupied with this one for awhile.

(If you know of any organizations that do what I'm taking about--I'd love to know!)

With Love, Anonymous

Other people used to have the ability to ruin or make me question my friendships or relationships. I was worried about what they said, what they thought, and I always felt like there was a large group of people making fun of me, criticizing my next predicted move, and I don't know what is different now, but I'm more puzzled than concerned when I feel criticized by others. 

 My mistakes have created a beautiful, loving cataclysm of a life. I have done so many things wrong, it's a wonder I'm still standing. 

Things feel right now though. 

I know I used to worry about what was best for friends of mine, when they were moving to fast, or making decisions I didn't understand. I'd like to apologize for that now--being on the receiving end of unfounded and incredibly biased judgment is ridiculous. 

I can see where a disconnect between facts and emotion can cause people to become nervous, but I think it's sad that as a friend or a family member, our first instinct is to tear something apart, criticize it, or mix it with elements of a failed past. 

I want to make a new goal. I want to be the kind of loving person who is there to support those I care about.  I need to let go of my initial impressions and criticism and trust people to make the best decisions for their lives. Maybe, in turn, I can be granted the same courtesy.

I want to say that I'm hurt by the postulation that by meeting someone spring of last year, dating them seriously after the summer, and deciding to get engaged this spring means that I'm out of touch, materialistic, or manipulative. These things were said by someone I do not know to the person I love, under an anonymous guise of friendship.  I take it with a grain of salt, but I have to wonder if I would have thought the same thing about a girl like me if I looked only at the facts of the situation?

I used to wonder what people thought of the ways my life changed, the mistakes I made, and the way I felt. When I let go of that, when I was working on being happy, when I was bettering myself--I found the kind of love that I didn't truly believe existed. I had stopped believing in the kinds of magic and hope and beauty that I wanted so desperately for my children to keep believing in. 

All at once, everything changed. I let go of remorse and fear and wanting to be seen a certain way by others. I let go of my mistakes and embraced the lessons I'd learned. I learned to say that I was sorry when I was wrong instead of getting angry.

And, all at once, I was in love.

Known each other a year and engaged?

Outrageous or magical? 

Crazy or beautiful?

Mistake or best decision ever made?

For me, magical, beautiful, and the best decision I've ever made (aside from becoming a mother). I know that the people who care about me will be happy for me. I know that the people who want to be dramatic will judge me. They may even talk about me. 

The wonderful thing about it is that they're not me, nor living my life, or knowing my heart. I've given my heart to someone I love and I have no hope of ever getting it back.

So insult me, talk about me, call me crazy and horrible, but in your disdain, I hope you find your own love. When you find it, you'll realize how stupid it was to worry about the decisions of others. 

Find happiness. Find love. Find the magic.

We're All Excited for the End of the Work Week

Which is why Friday feels like two or three days in one.

The hours are dragging today. This gives me WAY too much time to think. I was so excited about it being Friday this morning that I was a bit too efficient in handling my workload.

It's so pretty outside, can't I please go out and play?

I've been on and off about motivation recently. I think, even though I'm improving in physical fitness and I'm reach more small tasks on my to-do list, I am over-critical of what I'm able to accomplish.

I'm still having trouble gauging how to use my time wisely and efficiently without driving myself absolutely bonkers.

I'm also noticing that I don't spend very much time socially with other women. I used to think that it was because most of my female friends when I was younger left so many wounds with the knives they lodged into my spinal tissue whilst I was distracted, but I'm starting to think that I really never learned how to make a concerted effort to truly stabilize my female friendships.

Maybe that should be my personal development goal. I'm well on the way to trying--putting together a baby shower for a friend and accepted a work social invitation to go out for tea. I'm relatively terrified by both--I just want to do thing right and have people like me.

Wanting to be liked--hasn't changed since elementary school. The kicker is, you can never actually know if people like you. I always want to know if people like me. It's hard to tell the difference between funny and awkward.

How do you build friendships? I know spending time can be a major component, but there's a lot more to it.

I really wish I'd been like my parents...they have a group of friends from college that stuck with them that they usually see at least once a month. I can't get a game night organized twice a year with the same people. Is it my generation or my people skills?

Ribbons and Curls

She stares me down
concentrating on my eyes
until the corner of her mouth
turns upward
and she can't help but smile

I cross my arms

follow the rules

listen

complete your chores

I hear myself 

like that record

being overplayed on the radio

She says 

I know

but I forget

and she always does

she just forgets a different things each day

I make a list

take a shower 

put on your pajamas

brush your hair and your teeth

how hard can that be?

And she looks down

And I feel bad

And then she starts giggling

And I can't keep a straight face

So I have her come over

and I brush her hair

putting a ribbon on her pony tail

And she smiles

And I sigh

Because we know we'll do it all again.

Dance of the Hours

I've lost touch with the measure of my personal productivity.

I know I'm getting an incredible number of things done, but it's hard to determine if it's enough.

I've been trying to make more with my time, but last weekend, it seemed that the hours disappeared.

I've noticed that these work days get in the way--whose idea was this whole 9-5 fiasco anyhow? I jest, I am very thankful that I have a job and get paid for a 40 hour work week. I just wish i could get paid the same amount but only work the amount of time it takes me to get through my work.

Responsibility v. Common Sense

Between dealing with consumers, a preschooler, a school-aged daughter, and random friends and strangers throughout the day, I've come to one conclusion.

People will find ANYTHING to say, do, or point out to avoid taking responsibility for an action, even if it wasn't a wrong action.

Where does this epidemic come from?

There's the obvious things, a simple example is weight loss. I am overweight. I am working to help this problem. No one else created this problem for me...there were factors, but it really is up to me to have done something about it.

Some of the other people I deal with say the most ridiculous things.

Example: "I ate too much yogurt because I had to eat with a bigger spoon because the smaller ones were all dirty."

Are we serious here people? How many times can you blame inanimate object for actions?

Example: "He was there and I was just spinning. I didn't hit him, my leg did."

Obviously child logic, but same basic principle. If you didn't mean to do it, doesn't change that you did it, and why does the excuses always come before an apology?

I don't know how responsibility has fallen by the wayside. Unfortunate happenings, mistakes, the first instinct is to pawn them off on someone or something else.

I have much more respect for the person who says they're sorry when they say something out of line than the person that justifies why they said something cruel. We all make mistakes, but why justify bad actions?

If you want to eat a full tub of ice cream. Eat it. But it's not your job, your spoon, your rough day, or someone else that made you do it. (Unless someone is force-feeding you--then you have an entirely different problem.)

I want to see people learning from their mistakes, apologizing, coming to middle ground. It seems more and more, the joke about banning spoons because they make you fat is closer to a reality than it is a jest.

I'm dealing with a big mistake right now--although made by someone else, it affects me and I wish I had been smart enough to know in the beginning what I could have done to prevent it. The things we do and how we do them, even when it comes to entering numbers on a spreadsheet, can really affect another individual's life. When someone makes a mistake so severe that it affects my future and my ability to provide for my family, I am mad, but I have to take some responsibility because I didn't prepare for this.

I have to take responsibility for my need to have a better filing system for paperwork, a better understanding of my finances and other aspects so that I can catch the mistakes of others. There's responsibility on multiple sides of situations.

Only problem is, it's very frustrating when someone makes a mistake and tells you that it's your fault they made the mistake. There's a very ethical line there that gets crossed when responsibility is taken and negotiated at a reasonable and justifiable level.

I wonder how different a place the world would be if people were kind, courteous, and took responsibility for  their actions. I don't think any magic wand can give me that one!

Things I Didn't Understand about Lifestyle Change

I've thought about, pondered, promised, and almost changed things about my life. I've nearly tried new things, found a new self of sense worth, and moved toward my goals. Problem is, I'm very comfortable making goals, but change has always been difficult for me.

I always thought it was about that first step, buying groceries instead of eating out, making it to the swimming pool for the first week, going a month without biting my nails, or looking at a calendar of events and looking for activities that worked into my schedule for my goals.

It really isn't about the first step. It's not about the program, or the schedule, or the million reasons that one day works better than another.

For me, I found a reason that I finally wanted to move in a direction and keep going. 

It's nothing cheesy. I didn't find love that changed my life and all of a sudden I'm a different person.

In actuality, I'm the same person I've always been, but now I'm strong enough. Most of the reasons that I had for not making changes in my life had to do with one of three things: self worth, time, and money. 

Self worth was the hardest to overcome. I get discouraged easily. I want to be good at things, I want to see results, and I want to be recognized for what I can accomplish. Problem is, that's all very superficial. I was looking for words to support my actions. I was looking for approval. It's taken me this long to realize that when it comes to my goals, my hopes, and my life--I need to be making those changes for myself, not for how someone else might perceive it.

Time is always going to be a problem, but time management is helping me. I think the problem is putting down technology. I love paying attention to Facebook on my phone or watching an episode on Netflix, but I'm finding that I'm much more relaxed when I lessen those activities and listen to music or snuggle instead. I don't need more time--I need to make wiser use of it. 

Money is a difficult topic. I have discovered, however; that many of the things that I thought would cost me a ton, are costing very little and I have a lot of superficial, materialistic expenditures that are unnecessary. Again, it's about priorities, and getting those in-line is probably going to be something that I struggle with for awhile.

So where am I on this journey? I've taken steps to do things I wasn't sure I could. It's making me feel confident and I think that I'll be able to continue because home is where my heart is. 

I used to hate being at home--I loved spending time with my kids, but when it came to evening, I felt trapped. Now I feel warm, relaxed, and happy. It's a bright place to come home to and I'm able to plan more. I look at my last week and I see the changes I've been able to make in regard to saving money, exercising, and learning new skills. It's going to be a bright future...I just didn't realize how much I was getting in my own way.

Help Your Community While Spring Cleaning

Let's face it, most of us go through our homes, replace the old things with newer things, and take a car or truck full over to the local Goodwill or ARC.

I am not discouraging this practice, but there are some things that may help our organizations in your local community that you weren't thinking about.

Here is a list of wishlists for United Way organizations: NONPROFIT WISH LIST

From computer accessories to shelving, cleaning supplies to craft supplies, furniture to baby layettes, it's something to consider. We all may have a few things tucked away in our homes that can benefit many of these local organizations.

This Train Station

There is music behind the background
Softly playing
I do not like it

These black bat appendages
Are not my wings
Connected through my shoulders
By uncomfortable black wire
With claws resting beneath my clavicle

No one could fly attached to these things

I focus
I see a skeleton face with a bald head
He mocks me, cocking his head to the side

And I manage to get the heavy monstrosities flapping
These wings, as heavy as titanium beams
Ripping against my fair skin

I see blood traveling in lines down my arms
I force the wings to flap, to rip, to disconnect
Bringing me to a kneeling position on the floor
As they smack and break and bleed against the concrete

These are not my wings
I say it in my head
I say it in a whisper
I say it in a scream

And finally, the wings let go of me.

No creature attached to them ever could have flown.

Underneath, there are small swirls on my back
Like a tattoo of butterfly wings slowly expanding.

Tell me,
With these new wings,
Will I be able to fly?

Do the Hokey Pokey and You Turn Yourself Around

I've learned not to apologize for the way I live my life, the things I think and do, and who I am.

What I have realized is I will not be liked by most of the people I meet, I will never know what the majority of my acquaintances think of me, and if I spend my time worrying about what other people think, I will forget to live my own life.

I know I've broken hearts I never intended to harm.

I've been ineffective in reaching hearts I've desperately tried to affect.

I've tried to impose my will on others, unintentionally and intentionally, unsuccessfully and successfully.

I like having my way and it's very hard to temper.

I like making other people happy and sometimes I will forget who I am in pursuit of trying to change how another person feels.

I feel responsible for feelings and events that I had no part in creating.

It's very hard for me to walk away from damaging people, but it's slowly getting easier.

I feed into other people's self absorption easily. By desperately wanting to be liked, it's easy to bend over backwards for someone else's dream. The hard part is, those kinds of people will never return the favor. They're also the hardest to let go of. 

I've been striving for a long time to feel like someone valued me and my dreams as much as I've tried to support others. When I finally found that happy medium, I was amazed and when it's reciprocal, it's love. 

I try to love all of my friends and family. I hope that I can raise my children with values that strengthen and support their relationships and friendships. 

I cannot control most of the things I'd like to and mostly accept that fact.

I want more out of life. That doesn't mean what it used to for me. I don't want more friends or more things or more to do--I want more value to the time spent and the connections I've made. I think I've been on the right track for that change. 

I don't write these truths for any other reason to acknowledge what I've been feeling lately. I like marking the steps I've made on my journey to accepting myself--it's been a difficult road of transitions and trials. If I ever fall backwards, I feel like this is a list of things that is worth remembering and working back toward. 

Ranting and Errors

I hope I'm not the only one.

I have a lot of friends that make a lot of mistakes when they type rants.

Logically, this makes sense. The more upset they are, the quicker the words fly from their minds to their fingertips, and they press enter before fully reading through what they've written. In addition, being upset renders the editing brain useless.

Part of me really wants to correct the rant. I want to see it in full formulation, concise, and brilliant.

The other part of me realizes that to say anything is poking a rabid bull. More mistakes = more angry = less receptive to edits, criticism, and conversation.

But it would be so brilliant edited.

Luckily, my sympathetic side that values feelings is more powerful than the side that wants to see a more precise argument :)

I also know I'm guilty of the same when I rant and most people don't prod at the angry cat, so it's a valued reciprocity.

People Have Emotions? You MUST Be Joking!

Okay, so the title is a little sarcastic, but I think it's warranted.

I'm very weary of seeing my friends chastised and criticized for being honest and open when it comes to feelings.

I don't know what it is about the internet, but there seems to be a growing tendency where I see a friend or family member share struggle or ask for some opinions on a sensitive subject and it's met with animosity or sarcasm.

I don't understand what it is about electronic communication that somehow makes it okay to make fun of how someone feels or attack them for looking for pity.

I do believe that some people use the internet to create drama and I don't like to have friends that are constantly sad, down on themselves, and acting like life has no meaning without good reason, but if you can't respond and be helpful, sympathetic, or add something real to a conversation, why are you responding at all?

I guess I wish I understood this form of trolling. I also don't understand that after being attacked by a person for posting something sincere, why does the writer remain friends with the sarcastic jerk?

I can't criticize that last point too much because I used to just ignore crude or demeaning comments, but the truth is, if you can't relate and be real with someone, what's the point of having an avenue of contact with them even if it is just Facebook or Twitter?

How I Feel About Getting Older

Born in TX 7:20 am January 18, 1985.

I'm 28 today. It's interesting though, two months ago, I kept stating that I was turning 29. In order to calculate my age, I have to look at the age of my daughter. Whatever age she is in January, I add 20, and that's how old I am turning.

When did that happen? When did it become so unimportant to notice the passage of time and aging?

When I was young...I can't say I was always extremely excited, but there was something novel about the next year, the next milestone, the next privilege. I suppose the same is true as to how I feel about my kids growing up. I notice it. I celebrate and mourn each growth, each moment lost to age while still being amazed and enthralled by it.

Time belongs to my children, and I believe it belonged to me when I was a child. It was so much more important then.

I used to think that I would feel old by now. Despite my jokes about aches and pains now and again--I am amazed by how young 28 really is. Even looking at my mom and my gram--I don't see old people. When I was a child, anyone over 20 was ancient. I was in a rush to grow up, but also much more critical of age.

I also thought I'd stop learning and growing by now. There's an assumption (up until the teenage years) that adults actually know what they're talking about in regard to life, the universe, and everything.

Unfortunately, there is no guide, no correct way to do everything, no goal at which you've attained perfection in adulthood. It's all more learning, more trial and error, and sometimes I'm able to notice how amazing it all is.

Happy Birthday, LK. 28 years young and looking forward to the next year. I still have a lifetime to learn, discover, and grow. Huzzah!

For Non-Parents...on Stories Told by Parents

Recently, for various reasons, many of my mother and father friends have been accused of making up things that their kids say and things that their kids do.

For those of you who have forgotten the absolutely non-nonsensical world of being a child, I assure you, we could not make these things up if we tried.

Spend time with children--they will drive you absolutely batty if you try to determine the reasoning behind their world view.

Their minds are not muddled by facts and the logic that we so easily frame our world with. They see actions, reactions, people, and things very differently from adults and I think it's easy to forget that.

There is something absolutely adorable and entirely aggravating about children. I've often asked my three-year-son why he's done something, and he'll respond that he did it because the chair is blue or because he likes chips. This makes absolute sense to him.

My daughter will insist that she's never done anything fun in her life...right after returning from a museum or a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese where she'd been ecstatic stating how much fun she was having.

Their concerns are more immediate, they forget things faster, react quicker, and move between activities and ideas like wildfire. The first reaction of most adults is to reason with a child, trying to make them see why what they're saying or doing doesn't make sense.

I'd encourage a different approach. Although it's necessary to introduce logic and facts and reasoning into a child's repertoire, I challenge you to ask questions instead.

There really is no use telling a child how they should think, but if we listen, and open that conversation into the craziness that is the experience of children, there's a lot to be gained. Children are amazing humbling tools--sometimes we need a reminder that adults take themselves too seriously.

Work LK vs. Home LK

When I am at work, I am a workhorse. I make calls, send e-mails, and go until I finish everything that can possibly be done for things related to my work. I am thorough, I am efficient, and I am always trying to best myself.

And then...I go home.

When I am at home, I am a procrastinator. I do small projects, take time to snuggle into soft things, make random messes in the middle of projects, listening to music and dancing when I should be folding laundry.

Obviously, I am happier at home, but who isn't?

I just wish I could take a little bit of the carefree, goofy, at home me and mix it with the focused, diligent at work me.

Redefining Love

I used to think that love just was--it soaked into your soul like sun permeates your skin when you're not wearing sunscreen.

I'm starting not to feel that way. I think that if you really love someone, there are things you're willing to be, to think, to do.

If you love someone, you're comfortable enough and willing to accept their faults, but you're also willing to accept responsibility for them. You would not turn your back on them, you would not be ashamed of parts of their life, and you would not worry about what other people think of your love. When you're truly in something, you should be able to feel pride and excitement about your love.

If you love someone, you accept and love what they see in you. Your faults are something you wish you could see through their eyes, but there's a willingness on both sides to want to grow--together.

If you love someone, you can be at ease around them. There are time for apologies, but none of those apologies should be for who you are, what you like, or for an opinion. Love isn't really about compromise--it's about acceptance.

I know I'm just starting to work on a new definition of love and I'm happier than I can ever remember being. By learning to accept and laugh at my own shortcomings, I'm better able to love the imperfections and habits of those people I care about.

Love extends. Although when I started writing this a couple months ago, it was about romantic love, I've found over the course of the last two months that the love in friendship and for family is very similar.

I could be annoyed, angry, or saddened by the things that my friends or my family do, or I can accept them for it and move on. I don't want life to be defined by the things that I dislike or disagree with. I want my life to be defined by love--it's incredibly difficult, but I care about the people in my life.

On hard days, I should be able to cry without excuse or feeling like I've ruined something. On fun days, I should be able to laugh out loud at an awkward moment. Never apologize for being yourself and don't expect someone you truly love to apologize either.

Love is created.

Learning to Relish a Moment

I've haven't been writing much lately. Not for the absence of ideas, but more because of the way I've been spending my time.

I had a tendency to live in my head, thinking all of the time, and sometimes allowing life to slip by me.

I noticed that although I was a part of critical, amazing moments, I examined them, sorted them, stewed over them instead of relishing in their beauty.

I've tried to worry less about whether I'm doing everything right and more about whether I'm entirely present when I'm with my loved ones.

I've spent less time planning and deciding how things ought to be done and how many pictures ought to be taken. (This one is hard...I always want pictures of everything, but I've been trying to remind myself that if I'm not experiencing the moments, the pictures aren't genuine anyway.)

I think it's very easy with access to social media and email constantly to lose track of why we started using those media in the first place--to connect.

I have a much easier time putting my phone or camera down than I did six months ago, but I still have a ways to go. I want the people and experiences in my life to have my full attention, especially my loved ones--I don't want a picture to be the only thing I remember from a moment.

In light of this, I've also found that I'm not happy when I'm not creative. (Really this isn't an epiphany, it's an inconvenient fact that I remember now and again.)

I'm trying to come to some sort of happy medium between living and experiencing while also expressing myself, so hopefully I'll start blogging a bit more.