Day 11: Something people seem to compliment me the most on

The thing people compliment me most on physically are my eyes. They've been called, deep, intuitive, beautiful, gorgeous, intuitive, mesmerizing, and lovely.

The thing people compliment me most on in the kitchen are baked goods--I'm very good at making cookies, cakes, and brownies.

In terms of my creative abilities, my poetry and collages have received the most compliments along with short pieces I've written. I think I'm fairly proficient at pulling emotion into my pieces.

Day 10: Someone I need to let go, or wish I didn’t know

I have trouble with the "wish I didn't know" part so I'm going to stick with someone I need to let go. My dreams keep bringing dead friends and family to life. When I wake up and I know they're gone, the pain just festers and poisons my days. I wish that my subconscious would let them go so that things would be easier. I don't process death well and it's kind of taken center stage in life this year. The hardest have been the young people that seem to die without reason--I don't think I can stomach more "accidents" and unfortunate circumstances. I'd rather get to focus purely on weddings or babies or friends happy in relationships and conquering the world. I do have friends making significant strides in life, it's just I wish there were more positive things than negative. Negative has definitely been playing to win and those events and the people that ended up in them are those I need to let go of. It's not that I didn't love them and am not sad, it's just I'm still living and I need to keep my positive outlook in check.

Day 9: Someone I didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

The first person that comes to mind is Ranny. After she moved back to GA, we talked a few times, but we really haven't kept in touch the way I expected we would. We toyed with the idea that she'd come to visit, but we both got busy and nothing ever came of it. I think of her often, but never when I'm on the computer or have the time to pick up the phone and call. (I mean, she could have changed her number and I wouldn't know, that's how bad of a friend I've been.) I guess I should contact her :)

Day 8: Someone who made my life hell and treated me like crap

People who know me well know who this is. Let's just say I worked my butt off to help, did a lot of extra work, was communicative, open, helpful, and always tried to move forward. My efforts were met by him taking credit for my work, telling others that I was worthless and unreliable, and alienation from other people. It was a very off-putting experience I am happy to be done with. I think I used to let it slide when I was taken advantage of, but I don't deserve it and I'm definitely not willing to stand for it.

If someone wants my best and wants something done right, I'll always be there as long as I'm treated with dignity and respect.

Day 7: Someone who has made my life worth living for

Well the obvious answer is my children, my family, and the people that make my life meaningful. I recently reread the book the five people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom and I was trying to figure out who I would choose to see when s/he died because of the impact it had on my life.

I think the first would be Bubba. That's not him real name, it is the name of every person, we are all bubbas. He took my inspired love of people and of helping and molded it into something beautiful. It's easy to lose the drive to do something nice for another person. Let's face it, people can be callous and cruel because the competition of life ages the soul. We forget those moment where a helping hand or a smile from a stranger changed our day. Bubba inspired me to be that stranger. He taught me what it really meant to help others and how although it was nice to be recognized or to have the favor returned in the future, it was not the reason I should be a good person. I should be a good person because everything in the world is connected and I'm a part of that. I think the most important thing he taught me was about peace. No matter what two people face each other, the bubba, the god, the soul, the peace in me can recognize the same in the other. Our ability to connect is based on our willingness to open up to another person, and that makes life worth living.

The second would be Mrs. Robin. She worked in my elementary school library. I loved her so much, I continued volunteering at that library through high school. Being around her was almost magic, like we were always part of an amazing story. I never stopped loving reading and writing because being around her reminded me how horrible it would be to live without that energy and creativity. I often think of her wen i sit down to work on something. She was one of those people that seemed to know everything and exuded positive energy and luck from her being. She was my greatest friend, mentor, and ally, depending on what I needed that day. In the process of fostering me, she weaved in work ethic and positive reinforcement while building my spirit. I think I have a lot to thank her for that I haven't fully realized even now.

The third would be a boy I loved in high school, then hated while loving, then wrote off, then forgave, and now am friends with. Our relationship/friendship has taught me more about my ability to learn and grow than anyone I've ever known. He was a guy who burned like fire, passion and aggression, love and compassion, and that's what I both loved and hated about him. I always thought about him, wondering if he was all right because our good terms and bad terms and crazy drama created this vortex of connectivity. The closer we were, the further we drained one another. He's one of those people I will always love but am thankful I'm not with. The amount we've both grown and how easy it is to be friends now reminds me that I have to trust myself with my decisions. No decision will bring about the end of all that is good in my life. In fact, the harder things get, the better I can hope for. Life is worth living because one of the worst choices in my life has created a world of possibilities in turn giving me a friend to turn to.

The last two are more recent and connected. I barely get to speak to him anymore, but my life changed for the better in a large part to a friend that did everything he could to be the best friend possible to me when I needed him the most. He introduced me to new music, new places, new friends, and let me get away from the world for awhile when I needed to. He gave me a taste of what life could be if I started standing up for myself, taking a few risks, and stopped believing the negative. The impact our conversations and the time I had to write have had on my life are immeasurable. He showed me how I could be the person to change my life and make it worth living. That's the last person. Ultimately, it is up to me to fill my life with events, people, places, and the decisions I make should be to make my life worth loving to live for.

Day 6: Something I hope I never have to do

Only one things tugs at my heart here--I never ever ever ever ever want to have to bury one of my children. The idea that I would be alive at the death of my son or daughter is my greatest fear and the one thing I would do anything to keep from happening. I think it's one of those things that no one ever wants to do for any reason.

Day 5: Something I hope to do in my life

There are so many things I hope to do, especially in regard to travel and writing, learning and exploring, but I hope that all of the things I do reflect who I want to be. I think if I could plan one thing, it would be to give my children the same kinds of opportunities that I had. I want them to experience the road trips, exposure to new places, theater, and the availability of the arts or sports they want to do. My childhood was so blessed and if I have any way to provide even a scrap of that in their lives, I think I'll really have accomplished something. Aside from making sure we get to a Disney park, I really want to make sure that we visit Yellowstone and other national parks like I did when I was a kid.

Day 4: Something I have to forgive someone for

It's really hard to be honest with this one. Over time, there are so many people that I internally blamed for so many things, and really I don't logically believe that those I've blamed deserved it. Really, I don't think anyone knows what I've blamed him/her for at one time or another. It's hard to admit making a bad decision, whether or not it was influenced by someone else. Influence doesn't equal responsibility but it's so easy to make that jump.

Really I have a lot of people I need to forgive, but it's not the kind of forgiveness that needs to be given face to face or even explained because I am terrible at expressing when I'm angry with someone. (Well, I have been. I think I'm becoming increasingly more communicative and I'm sure that's both a good and bad thing.)

The biggest forgiveness I need isn't someone cliche, it's not my parents, my ex, or my children. The person I need to forgive deep down is my friend MD. He was my best friend in fourth grade and when he moved, my life changed. It wasn't the same, it wasn't happy, and for a long time, I've believed that if he'd stayed things all would have been different. It wasn't in his control, we were in elementary school, but I blamed him for my life for a long time. Also, my gram got really sick, I was emotionally all over the place, and him being there wouldn't have made that hurt any less. Really I still miss him sometimes without even knowing what kind of person he became. I just somehow think that if he had stayed, the laughing on the back porch, playing together when we were outcast, and generally having one another would have made some of the things that happened after that a lot better. I need to accept that I don't know what would have happened and he was never the one to blame for that.

Day 3: Something I have to forgive yourself for

When I was trying to figure out what I should say for this question, the first place I looked in my heart was for any regrets. A lot of things in my life haven't gone quite as I had hoped. The tougher answers deal with doing things to make people happy, trying to make things work that I knew full well would not, and walking away when I was too tired to fight for someone or something I really cared about.

There was a moment when I did all of those things. I was going through the first stages of divorce and I saw people dividing, wanting to take sides, trying to be supportive. I couldn't handle it. I didn't want people involved. I took my toys and walked away. Some people I'd been friends with for years who were just trying to figure out the best way to be supportive and I threw it all away.

At the time, I was so emotionally turbulent that I didn't want advice or sympathy because it didn't occur to me that the changes in my life did affect other people. It wasn't another decision, another day, and i wasn't the only one trying to deal with the emotions of the loss.

I have gained a few friends back that pointed out to me I had no right to just say, everyone be his friend. I think I was trying to be strong and a few people forgave me and came back into my life. There are also some people that I really miss, casualties of my decision that I'm pretty sure never really understood what I was doing. I need to forgive myself for hurting them or hurting myself--at this point, I'm not really sure. I just know that sometimes you make a decision and think something will be all right, but there are a couple people I miss having in my life, and I don't know if our paths will cross again.

Day 2: Something I love about myself

Sometimes it seems like a weakness, but the thing I love most about myself is my ability to feel. Emotionally, I connect and become passionate about people, causes, and companies which gives me a certain genuine enthusiasm. I like to be a part of something. I like to author my own story in terms of the stories I see around me, and I feel like the ability to empathize and view the world from multiple perspectives gives me a unique outlook. Sympathy allows me to understand a person's values and beliefs without having to share them. I have a talent to step forward when someone else is hurting and be that shoulder to cry on or ear to rant in. It is a strength that I have derived a lot of pain from, but I have learned so much that I wouldn't have it any other way. When I think about the things that make me uniquely LK, that sensitivity is at the top of the list. I would rather be a trustworthy confidant than a fair-weather friend or uninterested spectator in life--it's been said more than once that there should be more people like me. I take pride in my heart.

Dating Risk Assessment

There's desperate, there's crazy, there's even obsessed, but a new strategy I encountered today has me literally rolling in laughter.

I was speaking to someone that has tried to date me due to the fact he's seen me, at a bar, for karaoke. I generally don't date in the bar scene, and for sure, I am not interested in this particular gentleman, despite his constant perseverance.

Now, he knows this. He says he's fine with being friends, and I use that term loosely, because I never see him outside of a place I've decided to go, when I want to go there, and I don't tell him when I'm going to be there.

So today, he asked me about dating and if I was interested in seeing anyone, and in the course of the small talk, he said that he'd hate to see me get hurt. He said I shouldn't risk getting to know people that might not invest in a relationship long-term.

Yes, that's absolutely correct. I shall take no risk in trying to meet new people. See where this is going?

I would rather risk and get hurt a million times over, if it means I'll eventually find what I really want. To avoid risk is to promote settling for something that is not right, but rather something that happens to be there.

I want the best life that I can live--I want to move forward, I want to enjoy every moments. Settling leads to regrets, and it's better to live than always worry about the "what if" moments. I would rather do what is right, what is fun, and what interests me than settle for what is there. I'm reinventing myself and my life--it's not going to be second-rate or mediocre.

Even if on some minor level he was introducing a logical argument, any man that feels he needs to say something about why I shouldn't want to look elsewhere based on risk is only giving me stronger reasons as to why he's not even an option. 

Such a simple thing

I don't get it. For me, eating is like a trial of some kind. I have to constantly barrage myself with "eating" reminders so that I remember to do something that most people remember without thinking. It's like breathing, but not for me. Every meal, another okay I've got to take the time to do this moment.

I measure my diet's success by how many mornings I remember to eat breakfast (which at this point, means eating anything before noon at all). Today will mark the 12th day in a row I remembered to eat something for breakfast. In those twelve days, however, I still missed 3 dinners and 4 lunches so I'm really not making much progress. I only remembered to eat a healthy snack once, and that was yesterday (and I didn't eat dinner last night).

What is wrong with me?

Day 1: Something I hate about myself

I think it would be easy with a question like this to pick something superficial, possible to change eventually, but I'm not going to do that. There is a key part of my personality that when I get overstressed I try harder and harder to please the outside stresses (work, school, family) that I neglect what I need until I break.

It's a flaw that I've never quite managed to get rid of. On occasion I find a way to make sure to build in "me" time but I always eventually override it with responsibilities and favors. That day when I break, I feel like my whole body shuts down and turns off--I know it can't be healthy. At that point, I'm useless to everyone, even myself.

The Truth

A friend of mine had this on her blog so I decided I would give it a whirl too. It's called 30 days of truth. I feel like I've been rambling a bit lately, so this might help me to get a little more focused.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.
Day 14: A hero that has let you down.
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself.

A step to the left, a step to the right

A lot of people use the advice, keep moving forward. I'm not criticizing it, I think it's very valuable, but sometimes I really wonder how I'm supposed to do that when I lose a foothold and have absolutely no idea where I'm trying to go anymore.

Granted, I usually come up with a new plan promptly, but with all of the positive motivation mentalities, I think sometimes it's better to just sit down and breathe. Moving without a goal seems a bit foolish. Finding a goal is the first step. So I amend keep moving forward. I think we should stop, look, listen, plan, and then move forward. Preparation and planning has to increase the odds of success, right?

For the love of...

I sometimes wonder how my life experience is different from other people. I mean, it's different for everyone obviously, but how different?

For example, in order to make others fit into my life comfortably, I turn off my desires sometimes. It's not that I believe I don't matter or that I want to live to serve and make people happy, but how important is it that people are aware of what I would have rather had? I've tried to figure out if that's categorized as lying, but considering that after I turn off the desire and go with another's wishes, I really feel okay about it. I mean, is it really important to voice disappointment if the alternative turned out all right, maybe even for the best?

I think maybe the main problem with how I handle friendships is I never open up all parts of myself to the same person. I don't think it has so much to do with feeling vulnerable as it does I don't want to bore someone. I mean if we're linked by a common interest, I don't see why there would be a genuine interest in the other aspects of my life.

In this fast-paced society, it's not about really getting to know people, I feel like it's a constant cycle of speed-networking, finding something in common so that we're connected, moving forward, being there when we're needed in that capacity.

As I sit down though and look at the people I call friends, I do wonder how well people really know me. I think the reason no one ever tries to surprise me with anything is because I act like I really don't care about that kind of thing. Other than my family, I don't think I let anyone close enough that s/he'd even know how to surprise me. I'm not sure if that's a negative or positive. I like the idea of having a close network of friends, but in my experience, people move on. Even though it's easy to "stay in touch", it's really not the same.

I guess I feel a little bit like I've lost something along the way, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

I pulled one string past heart capacity

I'm feeling too many different things right now. Some of them are good enough to make me want to dance and eat breakfast in the morning. Others make me fold my hands together, placing my head on them as I lose a single tear down my cheek. It's amazing how many factors affect a single day. You can watch an exuberant child that makes you want to cry and laugh within moments, hold a hand that reminds you you're not alone and very much valued, or you can look into the face of death, sometimes begging it to cease another's suffering. They're moments all strung together making life both unbearable and unbelievably worthwhile.

I try to turn the negative into positive when it's possible. I want to believe that everything gets better, the world keeps turning, and there's some solution I should be searching for, a secret formula to life that makes it all easier. The truth is, that wouldn't be better. When there's been as much pain and downfall and ridiculous circumstance, it's much easier to recognize the true miracle of watching a child splash in a pool of shallow water and feeling the wind blow through my hair in the sunlight.

I doubt I'll ever stop wishing for things to be easier, but I can appreciate that things not being easy reminds me every step why I'm fighting so hard to make things better.

I can't tell if my heart is in my throat or in my stomach

I went to visit my grandpa this morning. Really it was less of a visit and more of a goodbye. For some reason, I thought it would be easier. We've expected his condition to deteriorate for some time, but recently he's taken a turn for the worse. He has Alzheimer's and he's approaching the last stages. He also has an infection that as I understand, will turn to pneumonia because he can't really eat and isn't strong enough to fight it.

The reasonable person inside me tells me that it's time, it's for the best, and it was time to go to say goodbye.

I said the most important words I know. At the end of the visit, I told him, "I love you," and I kissed him on the cheek. His eyes were staring at me, but I know that if he knew who I was, it was taking a lot to remember it. He squeezed my hand, held it a moment, laid back in his chair, and started drifting to sleep.

I was able to walk out to my car before the tears started. He is a strong man. He is a veteran, lost my grandma when I had barely entered middle school, and he's been fighting Alzheimer's for some time. I don't know if he'll be gone sooner or a bit longer, but I think that it was important to tell him I love him.

This year has already been heavy with death and this is one I'm expecting. I know now that's it's also probably going to hit me the hardest. I love my Grandpa and I'm very sad he's having to suffer, but I hope at least some part of him takes comfort in the love of his family.

The to-do list is longer than the to-don't list

I hear a lot of things in a typical day. Some of them are screaming, some are gossip, some are unwanted advice, some are useful tips, some are general conversation, and others are just rubbish thrown in that I barely comprehended. (In regard to that category, gibberish, child, and Spanish are frequently spoken in my vicinity and I have a very basic understanding which predisposes me to lack of understanding.)

I have so many notes now on how to list this, how to prepare that, how to wear that, how to write properly, how to determine the best course, how to choose the right drink, how to eat and exercise best, and a lot of the ideas I've written down conflict. There are so many things I am supposed to be doing. I don't even have time to think about the things I should not be doing. There are times I want to throw the whole mess out.

How do I end up with so much advice?

Oh right, that whole people caring about me aspect. Well, and listening to other people have conversations peaks my interest frequently.

I guess when you're trying to care for self and family and find a job and do your volunteer work and get to places you're needed and keep things tidy and organized and find time for quality time with family and friends and attend workshops and do necessary things like eat, get dressed, brush your teeth, sleep...it gets a bit muddled.

So, the next advice I want is how to build (or where to purchase) a time turner. I think that would be a grand idea that may resolve many of the issues I'm currently facing.

I'd rather focus on one good laugh

I feel like I'm forcing my life to happen right now. There's so much going on that I'm pushing through, feeling like screaming, but at the same time I feel some sort of irrational peace.

I've learned a lot in the past year about myself, my interactions with people, what to keep in mind, and what to ignore. It's that necessary chapter in the story where the girl gets to be a bit of a whipping boy, having her flaws thrown at her, but somehow manages to bring it all together. At least, I hope that's what I'm managing.

The past twelve months have been hard and I'm practical enough to know that it may get harder for awhile. I've teetered in between being able to handle it, not being able to handle it, criticizing myself at the way I handled it, and all in all, I'm still alive, my kids still love me, and I have made a few very close friends I can count on.

I have a tendency to judge myself harshly before I've even started a task. I've made significant advances in taking care of myself and not allowing negativity to rule my reactions.

I think it's easy to want an easy life where things finally fall in place but no one likes to talk about how much hard work is required in that process. I'm in the middle of my hard work and I'm going to make the best of it.

The only advice I have for myself (because I know there will be rough days that I fall into patterns and need to be reminded) is to take time when it's getting rough to do something fun. Without those little moments of joy, the rest just gets a lot harder. It's worth having to work after the kids go to bed if you get to smear your jeans with chalk, have coffee with a friend, or take a hike with someone you haven't seen in a long time.

With my own challenges, there have been tragic losses this year. I don't want people looking at my life and thinking that I never had time for them or I cared more about work than I did my friends or my family. The truth is, people make my life. I love meeting new people, spending time with them, being there when they need a shoulder to cry on or partner in crime to laugh with. Without those moments, the rest would be meaningless. I hope, when things get harder, I remember that I've only made it this year because of how loved I am. Hopefully, when others are feeling the way that I have, I can be there to remind them it's the good moments that make up for all of the bad.