It's really hard to be honest with this one. Over time, there are so many people that I internally blamed for so many things, and really I don't logically believe that those I've blamed deserved it. Really, I don't think anyone knows what I've blamed him/her for at one time or another. It's hard to admit making a bad decision, whether or not it was influenced by someone else. Influence doesn't equal responsibility but it's so easy to make that jump.
Really I have a lot of people I need to forgive, but it's not the kind of forgiveness that needs to be given face to face or even explained because I am terrible at expressing when I'm angry with someone. (Well, I have been. I think I'm becoming increasingly more communicative and I'm sure that's both a good and bad thing.)
The biggest forgiveness I need isn't someone cliche, it's not my parents, my ex, or my children. The person I need to forgive deep down is my friend MD. He was my best friend in fourth grade and when he moved, my life changed. It wasn't the same, it wasn't happy, and for a long time, I've believed that if he'd stayed things all would have been different. It wasn't in his control, we were in elementary school, but I blamed him for my life for a long time. Also, my gram got really sick, I was emotionally all over the place, and him being there wouldn't have made that hurt any less. Really I still miss him sometimes without even knowing what kind of person he became. I just somehow think that if he had stayed, the laughing on the back porch, playing together when we were outcast, and generally having one another would have made some of the things that happened after that a lot better. I need to accept that I don't know what would have happened and he was never the one to blame for that.
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