For the love of...

I sometimes wonder how my life experience is different from other people. I mean, it's different for everyone obviously, but how different?

For example, in order to make others fit into my life comfortably, I turn off my desires sometimes. It's not that I believe I don't matter or that I want to live to serve and make people happy, but how important is it that people are aware of what I would have rather had? I've tried to figure out if that's categorized as lying, but considering that after I turn off the desire and go with another's wishes, I really feel okay about it. I mean, is it really important to voice disappointment if the alternative turned out all right, maybe even for the best?

I think maybe the main problem with how I handle friendships is I never open up all parts of myself to the same person. I don't think it has so much to do with feeling vulnerable as it does I don't want to bore someone. I mean if we're linked by a common interest, I don't see why there would be a genuine interest in the other aspects of my life.

In this fast-paced society, it's not about really getting to know people, I feel like it's a constant cycle of speed-networking, finding something in common so that we're connected, moving forward, being there when we're needed in that capacity.

As I sit down though and look at the people I call friends, I do wonder how well people really know me. I think the reason no one ever tries to surprise me with anything is because I act like I really don't care about that kind of thing. Other than my family, I don't think I let anyone close enough that s/he'd even know how to surprise me. I'm not sure if that's a negative or positive. I like the idea of having a close network of friends, but in my experience, people move on. Even though it's easy to "stay in touch", it's really not the same.

I guess I feel a little bit like I've lost something along the way, but I can't quite put my finger on it.