I'd rather focus on one good laugh

I feel like I'm forcing my life to happen right now. There's so much going on that I'm pushing through, feeling like screaming, but at the same time I feel some sort of irrational peace.

I've learned a lot in the past year about myself, my interactions with people, what to keep in mind, and what to ignore. It's that necessary chapter in the story where the girl gets to be a bit of a whipping boy, having her flaws thrown at her, but somehow manages to bring it all together. At least, I hope that's what I'm managing.

The past twelve months have been hard and I'm practical enough to know that it may get harder for awhile. I've teetered in between being able to handle it, not being able to handle it, criticizing myself at the way I handled it, and all in all, I'm still alive, my kids still love me, and I have made a few very close friends I can count on.

I have a tendency to judge myself harshly before I've even started a task. I've made significant advances in taking care of myself and not allowing negativity to rule my reactions.

I think it's easy to want an easy life where things finally fall in place but no one likes to talk about how much hard work is required in that process. I'm in the middle of my hard work and I'm going to make the best of it.

The only advice I have for myself (because I know there will be rough days that I fall into patterns and need to be reminded) is to take time when it's getting rough to do something fun. Without those little moments of joy, the rest just gets a lot harder. It's worth having to work after the kids go to bed if you get to smear your jeans with chalk, have coffee with a friend, or take a hike with someone you haven't seen in a long time.

With my own challenges, there have been tragic losses this year. I don't want people looking at my life and thinking that I never had time for them or I cared more about work than I did my friends or my family. The truth is, people make my life. I love meeting new people, spending time with them, being there when they need a shoulder to cry on or partner in crime to laugh with. Without those moments, the rest would be meaningless. I hope, when things get harder, I remember that I've only made it this year because of how loved I am. Hopefully, when others are feeling the way that I have, I can be there to remind them it's the good moments that make up for all of the bad.