I'm coming to terms with something that I'm not overly proud of. I sabotage myself--a lot. When it comes to diet, exercise, and being healthier, I often freak out when I start seeing results and pull back. Between December and today, I went from a size 22W back to a 16, but I've stopped.
I ask myself why I don't exercise, why I procrastinate and why I choose to skip meals even though that's what started all of this.
Truth is, I'm afraid.
It's not that I feel particularly ugly or even unhealthy, but when I see the potential to be that thinner me, I hesitate.
At first, I thought it was because I didn't want to diet or that I didn't like exercise. When I started really working on improving my space, eating less processed foods, and playing with my kids instead of watching television when I was tired in the evenings, I started dropping weight.
I was average toward the end of my years in high school, thinner, but it was due mostly to my thyroid. I've never actually believed that I could look "conventionally" beautiful again because I'm the curvy girl now, the mama body--if I could change that, well I'd have to admit that I could change anything about my life.
I want to believe that I have no control over my weight, that some of it is so genetically ingrained that trying won't matter. The truth is, I don't think I've ever had my whole heart in the change.
As I've felt increasingly empowered in other parts of my life, I'm having to make a decision. I'm either all in, willing to push myself and set a positive example for my kids, or I'm out and not truly willing to do what it takes for me to be healthy.
It really seems like an easy determination. You'd be surprised with all of the excuses I give myself. Healthy food is more expensive, what if the gym doesn't work, what if I can't lose weight due to other health problems, what if I can't afford new clothes once I'm doing well...the list goes on and on.
I wish I could wave a magic wand so that I wouldn't feel so afraid.
In December, I was a size 22W and going up my stairs took my breath away (literally...). I can run up and down my stairs today without heaving, but I know that's not enough.
I often wonder if others struggle with the issue of being bigger and wanting to change but being afraid because s/he's accustomed to the body s/he now has. Maybe it's just me.
I know what decision I have to make--I really just wish I knew how to make me take myself seriously and not try to sabotage it. I need a real goal--one for me, one that matters, and for the life of me, I can't come up with one that isn't about someone else.
I'll get there.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
The Trouble with Addiction
When many people hear the word "addiction", they consider it a word limited to people who overuse drugs, alcohol, and maybe caffeine. Most people don't think they have an addiction, it's a word to describe those "other people".
The addicts, the alcoholics, the hippies, the communists--it's a negative word directed at people who use or overuse something that a person doesn't like.
The truth of the matter is, everyone, to some degree has some kind of addiction.
Some people are addicted to perfection, attention, food, shopping, games, sugar, and even emotional states like depression or highs from adrenaline. Some people are addicted to the status quo, others to drama and change. We define ourselves by what we want to see about ourselves.
This week, I was doing an activity in a class about my history of addictive behaviors. Seriously, when the group leader pulled that out, I was thinking, "Yeah, cuz I'm totally an addict...what on earth is the point if this?"
Fact of the matter is, the closer I looked at what I was being asked to think about, the more I realized that I just never considered that addiction was simply a need for something in my life. It was hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that addiction wasn't always necessarily a bad thing.
In my case, a few very poignant things did stick out that I'm going to need to work through. I'm doing well now, but historically, I have tendencies toward overeating, developing dependent relationships, and overuse of caffeine when I am stressed. On a good side, as long as I don't let it go too far, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and if I start exercising, I do tend to get a little addicted to the physical activity.
The key with our addictions (or tendencies if you like that word better), is to be aware of them and be able to recognize when they're going too far. If something you're addicted to starts affecting your ability to function in other aspects in your life, that's when I would say it's serious. Otherwise, just being aware of yourself and keeping those tendencies in check leads to a healthier, happier lifestyle.
Am I there yet? No. I am glad to be working on it though--I see a much brighter future.
The addicts, the alcoholics, the hippies, the communists--it's a negative word directed at people who use or overuse something that a person doesn't like.
The truth of the matter is, everyone, to some degree has some kind of addiction.
Some people are addicted to perfection, attention, food, shopping, games, sugar, and even emotional states like depression or highs from adrenaline. Some people are addicted to the status quo, others to drama and change. We define ourselves by what we want to see about ourselves.
This week, I was doing an activity in a class about my history of addictive behaviors. Seriously, when the group leader pulled that out, I was thinking, "Yeah, cuz I'm totally an addict...what on earth is the point if this?"
Fact of the matter is, the closer I looked at what I was being asked to think about, the more I realized that I just never considered that addiction was simply a need for something in my life. It was hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that addiction wasn't always necessarily a bad thing.
In my case, a few very poignant things did stick out that I'm going to need to work through. I'm doing well now, but historically, I have tendencies toward overeating, developing dependent relationships, and overuse of caffeine when I am stressed. On a good side, as long as I don't let it go too far, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and if I start exercising, I do tend to get a little addicted to the physical activity.
The key with our addictions (or tendencies if you like that word better), is to be aware of them and be able to recognize when they're going too far. If something you're addicted to starts affecting your ability to function in other aspects in your life, that's when I would say it's serious. Otherwise, just being aware of yourself and keeping those tendencies in check leads to a healthier, happier lifestyle.
Am I there yet? No. I am glad to be working on it though--I see a much brighter future.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Excuses for Inequality are Not Reasons
I can't get it out of my head.
This week, between reading articles about a black teen shot by a police officer for the color of his skin, the hatred of people toward homosexuals wanting to honor a commitment to another person in marriage, and a few jokes I heard outside of 7-11 while I was returning a movie, I can't help but think about how wrong and crazy it all is.
People blame all kinds of things for these discrepancies. White people deserve this. God believes that man and woman should be together. The Mexicans are taking our jobs and living off our hard earned taxes. And quite frankly, it's all bullshit.
I think I was lucky to be brought up the way I was. I didn't realize until I was in college that deep-seeded racism and bigotry was something that existed in America. It was the land of the free, everyone had equal opportunity, and I never noticed skin color or sexual orientation any more than I did brown hair or green eyes. They were individual qualities. I liked or disliked people based on their treatment of me, whether I enjoyed spending time with them, and I never felt like there was an expectation I should be treating them differently.
I truly wish more people had grown up the way that I did. Does it give me uncharacteristically high expectations of people? Yes. Do I where rose colored glasses and believe that people all get along and can accept one another? Not really, not anymore.
I do think that the affect of prejudice on my life has been minimal. Aside from dealing with small groups of people who bullied me for being adopted and now for being a single mother, I feel that the impact isn't as measurable as those things I read about and try to understand.
I will never wrap my head around the idea that the way another person looks or feels has anything to do with a person making a judgment from afar.
When I see a black person, my first thought is not he's going to steal my stereo, but if any person starts messing with the door handle of my car, no matter the color of his or her skin, I'm going to think that they're trying to break into my car. How it is that actions are not the measurable unit of value in our world?
It isn't about God or facts or statistics. It's about people being assholes and finding ways to create their superiority over a whole group of people for no other reason than there's something they're not satisfied with in their own lives. Prejudice is a lifestyle and a thinking choice.
We allow racist, prejudiced, and bigoted remarks to flow from others freely, we even make excuses for them. Their parents talked that way so it was how they learned. They take the Bible seriously so we should cut them some slack. Why?
Why should I cut a small-minded person some slack while they hurt, make remarks, and bully other people?
I'm not saying every joke or stereotype is an automatic red flag that should be pounced upon, but we need to more closely examine where these remarks come from. If they're coming from a place of fear, hate, and lack of self worth, it needs to change.
We need to replace excuses for a bad behavior with reasons to stop those behaviors.
Actions speak louder than words or sex, race, sexual orientation, creed, hair color, body type, tattoo, or favorite band. I'm sick of people having stupid reasons to be small minded. I'll get off my soap box now...
This week, between reading articles about a black teen shot by a police officer for the color of his skin, the hatred of people toward homosexuals wanting to honor a commitment to another person in marriage, and a few jokes I heard outside of 7-11 while I was returning a movie, I can't help but think about how wrong and crazy it all is.
People blame all kinds of things for these discrepancies. White people deserve this. God believes that man and woman should be together. The Mexicans are taking our jobs and living off our hard earned taxes. And quite frankly, it's all bullshit.
I think I was lucky to be brought up the way I was. I didn't realize until I was in college that deep-seeded racism and bigotry was something that existed in America. It was the land of the free, everyone had equal opportunity, and I never noticed skin color or sexual orientation any more than I did brown hair or green eyes. They were individual qualities. I liked or disliked people based on their treatment of me, whether I enjoyed spending time with them, and I never felt like there was an expectation I should be treating them differently.
I truly wish more people had grown up the way that I did. Does it give me uncharacteristically high expectations of people? Yes. Do I where rose colored glasses and believe that people all get along and can accept one another? Not really, not anymore.
I do think that the affect of prejudice on my life has been minimal. Aside from dealing with small groups of people who bullied me for being adopted and now for being a single mother, I feel that the impact isn't as measurable as those things I read about and try to understand.
I will never wrap my head around the idea that the way another person looks or feels has anything to do with a person making a judgment from afar.
When I see a black person, my first thought is not he's going to steal my stereo, but if any person starts messing with the door handle of my car, no matter the color of his or her skin, I'm going to think that they're trying to break into my car. How it is that actions are not the measurable unit of value in our world?
It isn't about God or facts or statistics. It's about people being assholes and finding ways to create their superiority over a whole group of people for no other reason than there's something they're not satisfied with in their own lives. Prejudice is a lifestyle and a thinking choice.
We allow racist, prejudiced, and bigoted remarks to flow from others freely, we even make excuses for them. Their parents talked that way so it was how they learned. They take the Bible seriously so we should cut them some slack. Why?
Why should I cut a small-minded person some slack while they hurt, make remarks, and bully other people?
I'm not saying every joke or stereotype is an automatic red flag that should be pounced upon, but we need to more closely examine where these remarks come from. If they're coming from a place of fear, hate, and lack of self worth, it needs to change.
We need to replace excuses for a bad behavior with reasons to stop those behaviors.
Actions speak louder than words or sex, race, sexual orientation, creed, hair color, body type, tattoo, or favorite band. I'm sick of people having stupid reasons to be small minded. I'll get off my soap box now...
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Too Fast a Pace
I've made efforts to slow down the way I live my life. I don't make friends automatically, I don't trust someone the first time he does something reliable, I don't run from one activity to the next without taking in the scenery. I don't limit my time on an art project if i'm enjoying it. I don't cut corners where things matter. I say no when I can't do something instead of trying to shove it in my schedule.
It's new for me, so sometimes it is hard, but the hardest part is that a lot of the people in my life are on a fast path--things are now or never, they want things now, they want an answer automatically, especially when it comes to dating.
I've noticed that the people I've tried to get to know that I continue to talk to don't push me for answers and don't try to charge into the private parts of my life. I share what i'm comfortable sharing, go to activities at times that work for me, and lately I haven't been stressing myself out to make it to things and be there for people that haven't earned that in my life.
I've been trying to decide if that's an inappropriate way to deal with new friends. As I get to know new people, there's a old habit in me that wants to trust a person, dive in, share and do anything possible with one another. If I look at my track record, when I react to new people like that, they take what they want/need at the time from our friendship and later leave...it doesn't last.
I don't expect the world to slow down, but I am trying to figure out how to make the most use of my time with people I'd like to keep in my life.
I hear a lot of people struggle with friendships and disappointments about friends who ditch plans for better plans at the drop of the hat. I think if a friendship really matters, that wouldn't happen unless there's an emergency. I think there needs to be more communication and I'm trying to make the kids of friends I'm going to want to count on and that I'm comfortable counting on me.
I have a few, but I can honestly say that my friendship skills are lacking a lot more than they ought to. I'm not a plan canceler, but sometimes I don't pick up the phone to make plans when I should. I wish there was a magic "relate to the world properly" button on the back of my neck. It's really hard to figure out what kind of people and friends I want to have in my life. For a long time, I didn't realize that I had the power to make that choice. On the flip side, I need to make sure that I'm the kind of person that someone else will want to be friends with.
So much work! But I know it'll be worth it when I get it all sorted out.
It's new for me, so sometimes it is hard, but the hardest part is that a lot of the people in my life are on a fast path--things are now or never, they want things now, they want an answer automatically, especially when it comes to dating.
I've noticed that the people I've tried to get to know that I continue to talk to don't push me for answers and don't try to charge into the private parts of my life. I share what i'm comfortable sharing, go to activities at times that work for me, and lately I haven't been stressing myself out to make it to things and be there for people that haven't earned that in my life.
I've been trying to decide if that's an inappropriate way to deal with new friends. As I get to know new people, there's a old habit in me that wants to trust a person, dive in, share and do anything possible with one another. If I look at my track record, when I react to new people like that, they take what they want/need at the time from our friendship and later leave...it doesn't last.
I don't expect the world to slow down, but I am trying to figure out how to make the most use of my time with people I'd like to keep in my life.
I hear a lot of people struggle with friendships and disappointments about friends who ditch plans for better plans at the drop of the hat. I think if a friendship really matters, that wouldn't happen unless there's an emergency. I think there needs to be more communication and I'm trying to make the kids of friends I'm going to want to count on and that I'm comfortable counting on me.
I have a few, but I can honestly say that my friendship skills are lacking a lot more than they ought to. I'm not a plan canceler, but sometimes I don't pick up the phone to make plans when I should. I wish there was a magic "relate to the world properly" button on the back of my neck. It's really hard to figure out what kind of people and friends I want to have in my life. For a long time, I didn't realize that I had the power to make that choice. On the flip side, I need to make sure that I'm the kind of person that someone else will want to be friends with.
So much work! But I know it'll be worth it when I get it all sorted out.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Smile and Nod...Works Every Time
I've discovered that with high drama individuals, smiling and nodding is my greatest recourse in interacting with them day to day.
If you engage a high drama personality, it is easy to get sucked into their over reactions, trials, and tribulations and they will turn any anthill sized problem into a full, underground, destructive termites nest.
I feel guilty if I ignore a person trying to get my attention or who seems to need myself, so I've been a likely and willing target for people who overemphasis their problems and day to day interactions. I would sympathize with the cruelty and unfairness of life, but when I'd offer solutions, many times I would be attacked or slighted for "not understanding".
I think the hardest realization for me is that wen I started to feel out of control, I heard myself worrying about other people with problems. I had to stop. I sat down and looked at the true nature of the complaints and problems of the high drama people in my life, and I've discovered that the problems boil down to three different areas.
1. Addictive behaviors -- overuse of alcohol/drugs, need for attention/perfection, overeating, living life vicariously through other people, etc
2. Boredom/depression -- no job, no kids, no money, and no drive to change the current situation and instead finding distraction in creating drama about/with/through other people
3. Sadism/Experimentation/Borderline Sociopathic behavior -- like to see other people react, want to see what someone else will do in a situation, pokes and prods at the thoughts/feelings of others for entertainment
After realizing that, I asked myself if people in those categories that were filling my life with dramatic monologues were people that I considered healthy friends. Looking at it, they're mostly not. There has to be honesty, give and take, trust, and openness to have a good friendship with someone. When I was dreading talking to or seeing certain people, that was a red flag.
I hope on days when I'm being overexcited about something simple, a friend will give me a heads up and tell me to get back into perspective. I think it's what everyone needs sometimes. I don't think anyone wants to be a high drama mama!
If you engage a high drama personality, it is easy to get sucked into their over reactions, trials, and tribulations and they will turn any anthill sized problem into a full, underground, destructive termites nest.
I feel guilty if I ignore a person trying to get my attention or who seems to need myself, so I've been a likely and willing target for people who overemphasis their problems and day to day interactions. I would sympathize with the cruelty and unfairness of life, but when I'd offer solutions, many times I would be attacked or slighted for "not understanding".
I think the hardest realization for me is that wen I started to feel out of control, I heard myself worrying about other people with problems. I had to stop. I sat down and looked at the true nature of the complaints and problems of the high drama people in my life, and I've discovered that the problems boil down to three different areas.
1. Addictive behaviors -- overuse of alcohol/drugs, need for attention/perfection, overeating, living life vicariously through other people, etc
2. Boredom/depression -- no job, no kids, no money, and no drive to change the current situation and instead finding distraction in creating drama about/with/through other people
3. Sadism/Experimentation/Borderline Sociopathic behavior -- like to see other people react, want to see what someone else will do in a situation, pokes and prods at the thoughts/feelings of others for entertainment
After realizing that, I asked myself if people in those categories that were filling my life with dramatic monologues were people that I considered healthy friends. Looking at it, they're mostly not. There has to be honesty, give and take, trust, and openness to have a good friendship with someone. When I was dreading talking to or seeing certain people, that was a red flag.
I hope on days when I'm being overexcited about something simple, a friend will give me a heads up and tell me to get back into perspective. I think it's what everyone needs sometimes. I don't think anyone wants to be a high drama mama!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
The Wrong Kind of Ugly
I don't feel unattractive or impulsive or desperate, uninteresting, or sad. I do not lack talents, friends, ideas, creativity, or family support.
I do feel ugly today though. I feel like someone is pressing my buttons to make me angry and I don't want to snap. I often wonder why pressure affects me so greatly. Compared to this time last year, my life is a freaking cake walk right now, but I still feel this underlying nagging feeling. I can't make things right. I want them to be perfect RIGHT NOW.
I keep having to remind myself how far I've come in the last year, as an independent woman, as a mother, as an employee, and as an artist. It's hard to remember where it was that I was coming from and I can nearly taste where I'm trying to go. If I get too impatient, I'm going to lose sight of what I set out to do in the first place.
Some of the frustration is definitely my fault...beating myself up when the dishes aren't done, falling asleep in the pile of folded laundry (it's so warm...), and feeling irritation sometimes when the kids interrupt me. I need to keep reminding myself that judging myself constantly and worrying about what everyone though is what created the problems in my life before.
I need to relax my mind and refocus so that I remember for myself and for my kids that the life I want, we are working toward together and communication is the best key I have for that.
Wish me luck!
I do feel ugly today though. I feel like someone is pressing my buttons to make me angry and I don't want to snap. I often wonder why pressure affects me so greatly. Compared to this time last year, my life is a freaking cake walk right now, but I still feel this underlying nagging feeling. I can't make things right. I want them to be perfect RIGHT NOW.
I keep having to remind myself how far I've come in the last year, as an independent woman, as a mother, as an employee, and as an artist. It's hard to remember where it was that I was coming from and I can nearly taste where I'm trying to go. If I get too impatient, I'm going to lose sight of what I set out to do in the first place.
Some of the frustration is definitely my fault...beating myself up when the dishes aren't done, falling asleep in the pile of folded laundry (it's so warm...), and feeling irritation sometimes when the kids interrupt me. I need to keep reminding myself that judging myself constantly and worrying about what everyone though is what created the problems in my life before.
I need to relax my mind and refocus so that I remember for myself and for my kids that the life I want, we are working toward together and communication is the best key I have for that.
Wish me luck!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Dragon
twisted ribbon tangles dripping into a muddy crimson pool
a kind eye
a harsh whisper
stagnant air flowing like smoke through her lungs
a quiet cough
a hand on throat
don't speak, you're not alone
putrid heavy sighs reverberating against the walls
frozen solid, attempted blend into the background
bright white shirt against a blemished grey stalactite
panicked hands grasping for light in the dark
a yellow eye blinking, the slit of his pupil wide at my appearance
he tells me not to be afraid
and I scream
but there's no sound
only darkness
a kind eye
a harsh whisper
stagnant air flowing like smoke through her lungs
a quiet cough
a hand on throat
don't speak, you're not alone
putrid heavy sighs reverberating against the walls
frozen solid, attempted blend into the background
bright white shirt against a blemished grey stalactite
panicked hands grasping for light in the dark
a yellow eye blinking, the slit of his pupil wide at my appearance
he tells me not to be afraid
and I scream
but there's no sound
only darkness
Why Video Games Are Better than Boyfriends
I've been excited about Diablo III's release for the past ten years. I cannot stay excited about any relationship past a few months, so as I was contemplating whether or not I was going to purchase the game, I started laughing about how fulfilling playing the game night be in comparison to some of my recent attempts at dating.
Dating: Schedules and risk of broken plans whilst I try to look nice and make a good impression.
Gaming: Always waiting on my computer with no expectations of me.
Dating: Have to make small talk about 'real' life, sharing the stresses of work, school, kids, and whatever.
Gaming: Can either talk or not talk to other people and take out my stress on imaginary enemies.
Dating: Try to doll myself up by trying on outfits, different hairstyles, and make up.
Gaming: Three clicks on the avatar and I look amazing.
Dating: Other people bring drama into life and I have to work through it, even if it has nothing to do with me.
Gaming: People I don't know create drama and I turn the computer off.
Dating: Dealing with exes and having a sympathetic ear.
Gaming: Delivering punishment to enemies and being freaking awesome.
Dating: Another schedule to fit into mine.
Gaming: Fits into my schedule whenever I want it to.
This list could probably go on and on and on :P
Please note: this is not to be taken seriously. If you do not understand sarcasm, you may want to reconsider reading my blogs...
Friday, May 11, 2012
Little Darlings
Last summer, my world was shifting, changing, and breaking apart--there were so many changes that the prospect of my children growing was a shock to the system and most of me did not want it to happen.
As I approach my son's third birthday and a summer of fun before my daughter's seventh birthday, I feel elated. I'm bursting with excitement. Although we fight, they push and quarrel, and some days feel like we're living in a mad house--everything about the way children grow and learn is amazing.
My son and daughter are both creative, writing and talking and drawing and playing and asking questions. Sometimes, they ask more appropriate and insightful questions than I think to. It's because they're learning and are experiencing life in a way that lets them see smaller pictures inside the larger picture that I take for granted.
When I'm rushing to finish a task and one of them asks "Why?" sometimes I don't have a good answer for that. Why do I rush? Why do I care about a significant detail? Why can't we play first?
Sometimes things need to be done because despite my best wishes, time is important, but other times, I'm really glad I have two small, intelligent people to remind me that sometimes it's okay to just take a break.
Also, children will always make you laugh if you'll let them--ignoring the questions or musings of a child is unfortunate because nine times out of ten, it actually is important. Too often we take processes and rules and guidelines for granted...as an adult, we have better filters, but I think following the rules when it doesn't make sense is still something worth questioning. If you don't ask questions and grow, you can't make improvements.
I hope I never forget that. More importantly, I hope that I foster that innovation, creativity, and curiosity in my children as they grow. It's the greatest gift they've reminded me that I have and I hope neither ever loses it!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
How to Get Written Off
People piss each other off--it's normal. We don't agree, we clash heads, we talk, and if we're respectful enough, we stay friends and move on. Conflict resolution is probably the most important social skill we have. If you can be assertive and disagree with another person and remain cordial and remain friends, you have something figured out.
The problem is when you're watching people spout passive aggressive nonsense. Friend A is mad at Friend B for unrelated event 521. They cut each other down, they talk about each other, and they never resolve why they're upset about event 521, coming up with new things to be angry and stupid about every chance they can.
This is normal because people don't like to deal with their problems, but from my standpoint, when I see my friends engaging in this mindless, negative behavior, I don't really want to deal with either of them anymore.
How do you get two people to sit down because they're acting like toddlers? No idea, getting a toddler to sit down is a feat.
Too bad you can't force other people to grow up and act mature. I'm seeing a friendship that should have blossomed turning into a dramatic he says, she says scenario, and I'm over them unless they can get it resolved.
(And yes, I've said this...which will probably only result in both being angry with me, but who needs this crap, anyway?)
The problem is when you're watching people spout passive aggressive nonsense. Friend A is mad at Friend B for unrelated event 521. They cut each other down, they talk about each other, and they never resolve why they're upset about event 521, coming up with new things to be angry and stupid about every chance they can.
This is normal because people don't like to deal with their problems, but from my standpoint, when I see my friends engaging in this mindless, negative behavior, I don't really want to deal with either of them anymore.
How do you get two people to sit down because they're acting like toddlers? No idea, getting a toddler to sit down is a feat.
Too bad you can't force other people to grow up and act mature. I'm seeing a friendship that should have blossomed turning into a dramatic he says, she says scenario, and I'm over them unless they can get it resolved.
(And yes, I've said this...which will probably only result in both being angry with me, but who needs this crap, anyway?)
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Failing Upward
Friends that I graduated around the same time as seem to be finally making leaps and bounds in their careers and personal lives. I feel like the number people looking for jobs is decreasing and the personal growth and success among many of my peers is sometimes astonishing.
I don't know if I'm noticing success more because I'm feeling more settled or if there has really been so many hard times for people that it was hard to see the good things that were happening.
I'm not saying that there are not those who struggle, we all struggle sometimes, but I see goals and dreams finally coming to fruition and I'm finding a lot to be proud and happy about. If a year ago you had asked me where I thought I would be right now, I wouldn't have been sure.
Like others, I'm seeing a plan for my future, and I'm watching some of my friends make lists and arrangements so that they can make dreams come true. Congrats to anyone making positive life changes. And to anyone who thinks this is a cheesy, stupid post and life sucks...you should figure out what you want and then start thinking about how to get there.
It's ridiculous, it's cheesy, and everyone knows it--you can't start to go anywhere in life if you procrastinate and don't make a plan. The perfect life isn't going to fall into your lap--the challenge and the accomplishment is in getting there!
Friday, May 4, 2012
Becoming My Biggest Pet Peeve
Lately I've been trying to form my "new" life. I'm being responsible and assertive, working on my emotions, etc, etc, etc, but I've become someone awful in the process.
Where before I wound my whole life in knots trying to please my friends and family, now I'm forgetting commitments, people who I told I would make time for, and letting real friendships slip through the cracks. I'm not calling people I told I would call. I'm not asking for help when I need it. I'm not being truly assertive or communicating.
I think it's because I'm afraid. If I'm not around the people that I usually just smile and go along with the plan. Although that's fine sometimes, I don't want to do it anymore--I want a voice and I'm afraid I won't know how to express that and I will come off as a bitch or people won't like me as well as when I just went with the flow.
I know there has to be a way to balance all of this out, but trying to figure it out is making my heart beat faster.
Where before I wound my whole life in knots trying to please my friends and family, now I'm forgetting commitments, people who I told I would make time for, and letting real friendships slip through the cracks. I'm not calling people I told I would call. I'm not asking for help when I need it. I'm not being truly assertive or communicating.
I think it's because I'm afraid. If I'm not around the people that I usually just smile and go along with the plan. Although that's fine sometimes, I don't want to do it anymore--I want a voice and I'm afraid I won't know how to express that and I will come off as a bitch or people won't like me as well as when I just went with the flow.
I know there has to be a way to balance all of this out, but trying to figure it out is making my heart beat faster.
Can't Buy Me Love
I think that dating is the single most irritating and stressful byproduct of human interaction.
It's very difficult to relate to people who are romantically interested when I am just trying to make friends and move forward in my life.
There have been significant changes for me recently, most of them very personal, and I'm entirely too exhausted and too stressed to deal with people trying to charge into my life expecting my thanks when there's been no real effort to get to know me.
We live in such a fast paced society. I'm certain there are those who believe by dabbling in a few of my blog entries, they've somehow gained a greater understanding of who I am.
Want to get to know me? It's going to take time, effort, real life interaction, shared new experiences, and trust. I'm not going to give my trust willy nilly. That's how you get hurt. I feel that if someone wants to know me, there is going to be effort. If I want to get to know someone, there is going to be effort.
If internet stalking is the best you can manage when you're trying to get to know someone, might I suggest editing that approach? It is easy to live life in the virtual world, relating to people superficially, but it's much more fulfilling and real if you're even just chatting over a cup of coffee at a kitchen table. You just don't get as much from text and pictures everyone is sharing that were posted on George Takei's facebook page.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
A Mother's Dilemma about Teacher Appreciation Week
There are few people I respect and feel thankful for more than those who care for and teach my children while I am at work.
They work hard, they're underpaid, and both of my kids are phenomenal examples of what good teachers can do, even with high energy kids--the changes in my kids over the last year have been miraculous. They've never been bad, but both of them have learned a lot and been excelling where last year there was struggle and uncertainty.
Next week is teacher/staff appreciation week. Both schools have sent out letters about all of the things they'd like us to do. I really want to. These people deserve to be honored and yet I look at my bank account and with the fundraisers coming home every two weeks and supplies needed and cost of childcare, I'm trying to figure out how to make sure they know how much they're appreciated. On my budget, that's not going to be easy.
There are notes and flowers, wish lists, gift card requests, food requests...I want to do it all, but in practicality, how many other parents are sitting and staring at the bank account right now thinking how am I going to pull this off?
I don't think it's any secret that teachers are underpaid and undervalued. Right now though, I'm underpaid too--the money that I wish could go to recognition and education, where is it going to come from? People talk a lot about taxes and education and how things were fine and that education needs to be lean and good. What people don't realize is that when we were younger, there was more money per person to go around. Now, schools are forced to ask parents for money constantly because no one else is funding the future. I have a hard time with people not wanting to fund education when they received a good education and that's why s/he is where s/he is today. We're selling out the children of this country and leaving the parents fully responsible for solving the problem of educational funding. Unfortunately, I don't think that parents are going to be able to scrape together enough to provide what is necessary for this country to compete into the future.
Back to the subject at hand: I know I'm going to do something to show the teachers and staff how much I appreciate them next week...I just really wish there was more I could do.
They work hard, they're underpaid, and both of my kids are phenomenal examples of what good teachers can do, even with high energy kids--the changes in my kids over the last year have been miraculous. They've never been bad, but both of them have learned a lot and been excelling where last year there was struggle and uncertainty.
Next week is teacher/staff appreciation week. Both schools have sent out letters about all of the things they'd like us to do. I really want to. These people deserve to be honored and yet I look at my bank account and with the fundraisers coming home every two weeks and supplies needed and cost of childcare, I'm trying to figure out how to make sure they know how much they're appreciated. On my budget, that's not going to be easy.
There are notes and flowers, wish lists, gift card requests, food requests...I want to do it all, but in practicality, how many other parents are sitting and staring at the bank account right now thinking how am I going to pull this off?
I don't think it's any secret that teachers are underpaid and undervalued. Right now though, I'm underpaid too--the money that I wish could go to recognition and education, where is it going to come from? People talk a lot about taxes and education and how things were fine and that education needs to be lean and good. What people don't realize is that when we were younger, there was more money per person to go around. Now, schools are forced to ask parents for money constantly because no one else is funding the future. I have a hard time with people not wanting to fund education when they received a good education and that's why s/he is where s/he is today. We're selling out the children of this country and leaving the parents fully responsible for solving the problem of educational funding. Unfortunately, I don't think that parents are going to be able to scrape together enough to provide what is necessary for this country to compete into the future.
Back to the subject at hand: I know I'm going to do something to show the teachers and staff how much I appreciate them next week...I just really wish there was more I could do.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
The Girl You Never Loved
She took the seat next to you with a soft smile
then she cast her eyes down
You didn't say hi to her.
You only asked her questions when you didn't have the answer.
She was quiet
She took good notes
She made copies for you when you were sick...or ditching
Your name was written with hearts in parts of her notebook
She based a character off of your personality and another off of your looks in her novellas.
She still thinks about you when she hears Queen "We Will Rock You" or Taylor Swift "Teardrops on My Guitar"
And she still smiles, but she doesn't cast her eyes down anymore.
Wishlists
I've been asked the same question by a few people recently. Do I have a wishlist and does anyone that reads my stuff/knows me every randomly buy things for me off my wishlist? (Yes, more than three people asked me about this...did I miss a recent news story about online bloggers receiving gifts off of wishlists?)
Um, yes. I have wishlists.
No, no one really buys things for me off of them. I do on occasion, but I guess unless it's my mom saying, "What do you want for Christmas/birthday?" the wishlists are simply there.
I guess it never occurred to me that a stranger would be interested in sending me a gift? I don't usually go online, read something online, and think, hey, I should see if this person has a wishlist. I don't think people have that much time or money. Those that have money probably aren't surfing random blogs online, and those that have time, probably don't have the money as a generalization.
If it now bothers you that you do not know I have a wishlist, I will post them at the bottom of this blog...I have one on ThinkGeek and one on Amazon. (Not that difficult to guess, I know.)
I think the point is, I was surprised by the question, would be happily surprised to receive a surprise, but generally, I don't think people really do that kind of thing? Do they?
ThinkGeek: http://www.thinkgeek.com/brain/gimme.cgi?wid=81d86fe05
Amazon.com: http://amzn.com/w/2A7FIVQNOGB6U
Um, yes. I have wishlists.
No, no one really buys things for me off of them. I do on occasion, but I guess unless it's my mom saying, "What do you want for Christmas/birthday?" the wishlists are simply there.
I guess it never occurred to me that a stranger would be interested in sending me a gift? I don't usually go online, read something online, and think, hey, I should see if this person has a wishlist. I don't think people have that much time or money. Those that have money probably aren't surfing random blogs online, and those that have time, probably don't have the money as a generalization.
If it now bothers you that you do not know I have a wishlist, I will post them at the bottom of this blog...I have one on ThinkGeek and one on Amazon. (Not that difficult to guess, I know.)
I think the point is, I was surprised by the question, would be happily surprised to receive a surprise, but generally, I don't think people really do that kind of thing? Do they?
ThinkGeek: http://www.thinkgeek.com/brain/gimme.cgi?wid=81d86fe05
Amazon.com: http://amzn.com/w/2A7FIVQNOGB6U
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
It's a Hard Knock L...Ooo Shiny!
Lately, I've been intentionally distracting myself--the things that go wrong or that are bothering seem extreme and annoying and unless I make myself take a mental breather, I can't handle it.
The latest helpful distractions have been clipping things out of magazines for my college, season 4 of Eureka, and folding laundry while playing with the cats. That last one isn't the smartest in the world because the cats keep getting on the laundry, but at least I have a roller, so I can get the hair off before I throw it away.
Yesterday, I went on a walk during lunch. It wasn't distracting enough because I was still just with myself and that makes me think about everything that is going on. I think music would have been a good idea.
It's been more stressful than I anticipated to be assertive. I keep second guessing myself...should I really have said that? Are things really the way I want them to be? And in some cases, I'm still figuring out what I need to say because there are people out there that don't get things even when you're telling them straight out.
Anyhow, I don't feel much like I've made progress this week. I usually call my mom or gram, but they're otherwise disposed and having an awesome time. I'm hoping once I have a sounding board again, I'll start feeling like things are progressing further.
The latest helpful distractions have been clipping things out of magazines for my college, season 4 of Eureka, and folding laundry while playing with the cats. That last one isn't the smartest in the world because the cats keep getting on the laundry, but at least I have a roller, so I can get the hair off before I throw it away.
Yesterday, I went on a walk during lunch. It wasn't distracting enough because I was still just with myself and that makes me think about everything that is going on. I think music would have been a good idea.
It's been more stressful than I anticipated to be assertive. I keep second guessing myself...should I really have said that? Are things really the way I want them to be? And in some cases, I'm still figuring out what I need to say because there are people out there that don't get things even when you're telling them straight out.
Anyhow, I don't feel much like I've made progress this week. I usually call my mom or gram, but they're otherwise disposed and having an awesome time. I'm hoping once I have a sounding board again, I'll start feeling like things are progressing further.
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