Crazy Ugly Beautiful

I'm coming to terms with something that I'm not overly proud of. I sabotage myself--a lot. When it comes to diet, exercise, and being healthier, I often freak out when I start seeing results and pull back. Between December and today, I went from a size 22W back to a 16, but I've stopped.

I ask myself why I don't exercise, why I procrastinate and why I choose to skip meals even though that's what started all of this.

Truth is, I'm afraid.

It's not that I feel particularly ugly or even unhealthy, but when I see the potential to be that thinner me, I hesitate.

At first, I thought it was because I didn't want to diet or that I didn't like exercise. When I started really working on improving my space, eating less processed foods, and playing with my kids instead of watching television when I was tired in the evenings, I started dropping weight.

I was average toward the end of my years in high school, thinner, but it was due mostly to my thyroid. I've never actually believed that I could look "conventionally" beautiful again because I'm the curvy girl now, the mama body--if I could change that, well I'd have to admit that I could change anything about my life.

I want to believe that I have no control over my weight, that some of it is so genetically ingrained that trying won't matter. The truth is, I don't think I've ever had my whole heart in the change.

As I've felt increasingly empowered in other parts of my life, I'm having to make a decision. I'm either all in, willing to push myself and set a positive example for my kids, or I'm out and not truly willing to do what it takes for me to be healthy.

It really seems like an easy determination. You'd be surprised with all of the excuses I give myself. Healthy food is more expensive, what if the gym doesn't work, what if I can't lose weight due to other health problems, what if I can't afford new clothes once I'm doing well...the list goes on and on.

I wish I could wave a magic wand so that I wouldn't feel so afraid.

In December, I was a size 22W and going up my stairs took my breath away (literally...). I can run up and down my stairs today without heaving, but I know that's not enough.

I often wonder if others struggle with the issue of being bigger and wanting to change but being afraid because s/he's accustomed to the body s/he now has. Maybe it's just me.

I know what decision I have to make--I really just wish I knew how to make me take myself seriously and not try to sabotage it. I need a real goal--one for me, one that matters, and for the life of me, I can't come up with one that isn't about someone else.

I'll get there.