I've made efforts to slow down the way I live my life. I don't make friends automatically, I don't trust someone the first time he does something reliable, I don't run from one activity to the next without taking in the scenery. I don't limit my time on an art project if i'm enjoying it. I don't cut corners where things matter. I say no when I can't do something instead of trying to shove it in my schedule.
It's new for me, so sometimes it is hard, but the hardest part is that a lot of the people in my life are on a fast path--things are now or never, they want things now, they want an answer automatically, especially when it comes to dating.
I've noticed that the people I've tried to get to know that I continue to talk to don't push me for answers and don't try to charge into the private parts of my life. I share what i'm comfortable sharing, go to activities at times that work for me, and lately I haven't been stressing myself out to make it to things and be there for people that haven't earned that in my life.
I've been trying to decide if that's an inappropriate way to deal with new friends. As I get to know new people, there's a old habit in me that wants to trust a person, dive in, share and do anything possible with one another. If I look at my track record, when I react to new people like that, they take what they want/need at the time from our friendship and later leave...it doesn't last.
I don't expect the world to slow down, but I am trying to figure out how to make the most use of my time with people I'd like to keep in my life.
I hear a lot of people struggle with friendships and disappointments about friends who ditch plans for better plans at the drop of the hat. I think if a friendship really matters, that wouldn't happen unless there's an emergency. I think there needs to be more communication and I'm trying to make the kids of friends I'm going to want to count on and that I'm comfortable counting on me.
I have a few, but I can honestly say that my friendship skills are lacking a lot more than they ought to. I'm not a plan canceler, but sometimes I don't pick up the phone to make plans when I should. I wish there was a magic "relate to the world properly" button on the back of my neck. It's really hard to figure out what kind of people and friends I want to have in my life. For a long time, I didn't realize that I had the power to make that choice. On the flip side, I need to make sure that I'm the kind of person that someone else will want to be friends with.
So much work! But I know it'll be worth it when I get it all sorted out.
HaHa. I often wish for that magic button, myself.
ReplyDeleteI'll admit that, in some situations, I like automatic answers... but that's only because I like having a plan. And, sometimes, I can't formulate a plan until I have the input of others.
I can relate to your quandary over trying to slow down, while maintaining (and establishing) friendships with people in the "fast-lane."
I think that, perhaps, the greatest gift, and the greatest expression of love, is quality time. When I spend time with my friends and family, I try to truly BE with them - I try to give them my full attention, without distractions or preoccupations. And, yes, I expect the same in return.
Time is precious - and, like many precious and important things in life, it often requires sacrifice to acquire. Directing your time towards, and dedication your time to, meaningful pursuits might mean sacrificing time with people who haven't "earned" it. It's a delicate balance; because, although you want to allocate your time appropriately, you don't want to completely ignore (potential) new friends.
As I don't have a magical button to push, there isn't much advise I can offer. But, I suppose I believe the best thing to do is, not be a "plan dropper," BE with the people who deserve your time, and don't feel guilty about withdrawing from the people who don't reciprocate your gift of time.
And, finally - for the record, I think you are very much the kind of person someone else would want to be friends with. :)
- Erin
P.S. Have you heard of "Love Languages?"
ReplyDeletehttp://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/
(Mine is very much quality time.)
- Erin
If I lived closed...I would definitely be spending time with you. I really miss those Tuesday nights! I've heard of the 5 Love Languages, but *gasp* have not actually read much about them despite the fact they've been recommended to me up-teen times. I will check it out and write a blog about mine. Deadline is June 10th...so you can bother me if I don't do it!
ReplyDeleteWell, I don't expect you to read the whole book (unless you want to. I honestly haven't). But, the short descriptions on the website are pretty neat. And, the same author had now written about "Apology Languages," as well. Those are kind of interesting also.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely spend time with you, if I lived closed, too! And, those were, indeed, good Tuesday nights!
- Erin