Dear Inadvertently Sadistic Web Developer

I know that when you sit down at the computer, you're trying to make the interface simple and easy to use for the computer illiterate, allowing a newbie to create a site without having to worry too much.

I do not appreciate this method.

I do not like that the interface will not allow me to edit the html so that my content matches the computer screens of my users. The fact that I have to create a table and shrink it to the smallest possible size a user would have in order to prevent their having to scroll is ridiculous.

I hate that I cannot change the title for the home page. I do not want the tab to read "Home" when I go to the site. I want to change it. Do you give me access to the code to change it dear interface developer? No.

I spend hours attempting to use your "simple" interface to make a site that does not look like it was created by a first grader. Maybe some people are happy with that, but I am not. I want to look professional, but your tools only anger, frustrate, and make me wish that I was building the whole thing from scratch.

(Trust me, if there wasn't a contract, I would.)

Things that Annoy Me (and Why): Exhibit C

Shirts drive me absolutely insane. I am a large-chested woman. I do not like trying on a sweater and having the bottom be up to my bellybutton because it was designed for a flat chest. Granted, there are fashions and companies that cater to the larger-chested, but why do most of them look like tents?

I have a nice hourglass figure...so why do I have to look like Gus from Cinderella or like I'm wearing a freaking circus tent?

I understand that a lot of fashion is still designed and should not be worn by anyone outside it's originally modeled market, but let's be honest, bigger people try to wear those fashions and it would be a service to humanity if the fashions did not exist.

It should be easy to walk into a store, find a decent looking shirt, and leave the store. Men can usually do that--their measurements are designed right into the styles of the shirts and they can pick it up and leave. I envy that process. Between finding colors that match in clothing where all pieces fit can be a nightmare. I don't think it should be. I should know when I pick up a shirt that because it's a specific size, it will fit over my chest and fall to an appropriate length.

Anyway, rant over, carry on.

If my heart could bleed onto a page

what would I find
in the dark treachery
between the delight of my children--
the darkness in the past

would I see
anything I don't already know
or simply the reeling chaos
prescribing reality without form

I seek descriptions
I cannot write nor depict
Simply searching for the undefined--
What else is there?

Tripping on Guilt? How to Deal with Manipulative People

I came across a very useful summary today on Dealing With Manipulative People from a book called In Sheep's Clothing by George K. Simon.

Over time, I've know a lot of people who tend to attempt to manipulate others in order to get what they want. I think the processes I used to be most susceptible included guilt tripping and shaming.

From the article:


Guilt-tripping – One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon. Aggressive personalities of all types use guilt-tripping so frequently and effectively as a manipulative tactic, that I believe it illustrates how fundamentally different in character they are compared to other (especially neurotic) personalities. All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately starts to feel bad. On the contrary, a conscientious person might try until they're blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive personality) to feel badly about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility, or admit wrongdoing, to absolutely no avail.

Shaming – This is the technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to them. It's an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy in the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of dominance.

I was a frequent victim of these two types of manipulation. If I felt that I'd hurt someone's feelings because they "didn't have anyone to hang out with" or "thought that I was a nicer person", I would literally change my behavior to try to fix what I perceived as my problem. The truth was, people were using my goodwill and desire to be a nice person to get what s/he wanted. 

We have to be very careful in today's society. We have to find the balance between friendship and abuse, manipulation and good will, and our own comfort levels. If a behavior or action pushed by someone else makes me feel uncomfortable, I know now that I do not have any reason I have to put up with it. It's not only the comfort of others that matters to me. I have to make sure that I'm comfortable too.

And a Holly Jolly Humbug to You

I love Christmas. I love the stories, parties, celebrations, decorations, lights, and music. The whole spirit makes me feel elated and full of Christmas magic. I have often wondered why my personal preference and love of this particular time of year is so offensive to some of the people I've met. It's almost as if there's a belief I love Christmas for the sole purpose of annoying other people.

To those people: grow up, it's not about you. If you don't celebrate anything this time of year, ignore it. I honestly find immersing myself in the traditions of others fascinating, but no one is telling you to be jolly or listen to Christmas music or believe in anything.

I know that there are pushy people that attempt to hit others over the head with beliefs and dogma, but for the most part, people who love Christmas are not like that.

I also don't appreciate all of the blanket statements I hear:
-Christians are out of touch and they don't understand science. That's why they believe in God.
-Faith is just another sign of ignorance.
-All Christians are hypocrites, they just want to tell everyone else what to do.
-People only celebrate Christmas because of the gifts they get.

Really?

Honestly, I rarely mention that I'm put off by the comments in big conversations. What's the point of becoming a target for the hatred for people who believe in God?

I don't consider myself an ignorant, out of touch, or selfish person. I also don't think that I am generally hypocritical (although mistakes are always made, no one is perfect), and just as I respect those of my friends that hold different world views, I would expect to be accepted instead of attacked. So far, it hasn't been the case, but I think eventually the culprits will grow up and learn to respect people with other views.

For me, Christmastime brightens are dark time of year. I am not fond of darkness and short days. To be given a spirit to do nice things for others and celebrate my faith in the connecting power of this world in spirit is an amazing gift. Am I goofy? Do I overdo it? Yes. I love it. I am enthusiastic about caroling and lights, stories and celebrations, and that's not going to change.

If nothing else, I hope you have a wonderful day, even if you "Bah, Humbug" in my general direction.

Considerate? Over-gifted? Thoughtful? Thoughtless?

So I've noticed that certain items are advertised non-stop during the holiday season. As I look at it, I realize I have both given and received the items as gifts (and sometimes re-gifted them).

1. Candles

Ok, I do love candles, but I am super picky about what kind of candles I burn. Candle holders, plug in candles, tea light decorations, jar candles, votive candles--they're all super popular this time of year. I can't figure out if it's a cop out gift or a considerate one. It probably depends on the person and types of candles given, but I think many of the gift given/received aren't as thoughtful as they ought to be. For example, I love cinnamon candles and rose candles, but I tend to like to smell and not burn a variety of others. If I was given a votive, I'd probably never burn it, but I enjoy jar candles. If someone knew me well enough, that would be thoughtful, but otherwise I'm not so sure.

2. Lotions

Let's face it, they're cheap and so they're easy to buy, but who really ever uses a lotion scent picked by someone else or that has glittery Christmas sparkles in it? After middle school, most lotion gifts are unoriginal and really sometimes unwanted. I am pretty selective about scents and I like to switch it up every once in awhile. If someone doesn't ask for it, she probably doesn't want it, but we do it anyway. I think maybe our zest for the sale price doesn't lead us to consider what a true close friend would appreciate for Christmas. We do the same old thing. I'm not saying lotion isn't a good gift sometimes, but I know I've been guilty of picking a gift because it's "on sale" without thinking too much about who it is for.

3. Ornaments

Seriously. We buy and buy and buy ornaments for other people. Why? I mean granted it's fun for kids and new events like a baby or a new home, but I've sort of noticed most people like to have a theme in their decor during Christmastime. If I don't know the theme, I probably shouldn't buy an ornament. I can't stop myself sometimes--some ornaments are so damn funny and cute! Does that mean they're good gifts? Maybe. It's hard to determine when there are definitely boxes of ornaments left after decorating the tree at my home.

4. Throws/blankets/pillows

They're everywhere. They're on sale. They're soft and cuddly and fun. Aside from kids, can you really buy a blanket or pillows someone else will like? I know that I'm a connoisseur of the fuzzy blanket. If it's not a silky, comfy soft, I'm not usually that thrilled about it. Maybe other people aren't as picky as I am, but i do wonder how many bedding items are returned after the holidays.

5. Giftcards

I think everyone struggles with these lovely loaded goodies so easy to place in a card or small box. A lot of people appreciate them. I know that with limited funds, being able to go out and pick something for myself is fun. What about the generic ones though? Starbucks, iTunes, and Olive Garden...when we give these kinds of cards, are we really considering the gifted or an easy way out? I think it depends on the person, but I really feel that when I'm buying gifts, I need to be much more mindful of who I am buying for and not what's on sale or is easy to pick up.

I Expect More

Lately when I've read over things I've written, it feels inauthentic. Part of me is missing from the words coming from my fingertips and I really can't place the reason. This is the longest blog I've kept going, and I'm not sure why that is. I make a terrible writing-to-share writer.

I frustrate myself. I am reminded of what my writing used to have the power to convey and then I read soft words expressing little of the true emotion behind them. It's hard to complain about it--they're my words, why write them if they're not worth it? Strangely, I think they are worth it. I just can't figure out where my missing passion for writing has drizzled off to.

I remember filling a whole notebook in a week with crazy stories, poems, thoughts, notes, fantasies, and exposés. Now I'm lucky if I write a couple of random rants, thoughts, experiences, or discussions in a week.

My first thought on why this has happened is because my life was more interesting when I was in high school. I know that's not true. If not equal, I'd say my life is a lot more interesting now. Is that why I can't convey my thoughts? Am I too busy, too stretched, too stressed? I don't think so.

The sad truth is that going through college, I lost a lot of passion for sharing my thoughts with others. When everything is dissected and interpreted, so much of the emotion falls flat, lost to the world of academia.

So how do I erase the nagging voice in my head preventing me from going too far, opening myself for criticism, sharing too much, or being too fantastical and outlandish? I have no idea. There are so many things I stop myself from writing. I don't know the reason. For someone so concerned about being judged, you'd think I would have realized that kind of thing doesn't matter. Part of me just can't read that memo.

Oh the Things I Love to Look At

Let's be honest though, we all know I'd never have an occasion to wear these:

I think it's really fun to look at crazy stylish clothing items. Most of the things I love in a catalog I never buy. The reason for this? The dream about wearing shoes like these five inch teal green heels is far superior to the actual LK tripping all over herself in clumsy reality.

It's the same with other clothing items. Lord knows that I think these dresses are gorgeous:

 I obviously don't have places to wear these. Even if I did, having two children and owning nice pieces like these is dangerous. It's nice to imagine though. I think I should attend more ballroom dances in my dreams.

My real weakness is shoes and bags. Although I tend not to go shopping to buy these items, I really admire some of the accessories I encounter. I try to make sure to compliment a woman's good fashion sense and style.

Bags I really love are ones like these:

Anyhow, enough with gushing over silly things. I hope you enjoyed my girly moment!

Turning a Corner?

I'm certain that people that met me a year ago wouldn't recognize me right now. So much has changed. I really think I'm learning the ropes of my own life instead of trying to figure out what other people want or need from me.

That's all I used to worry about. How can I help this person? What can I do to make everything better? This person makes me uncomfortable, but how can I change that to better serve them? Worst of all: I don't matter, it's better bad things happen to me than to someone else.

I was a rug, a diverse walking carpet for the lost, weary, and emotionally draining. I would give and give and give until my emotional state was so negative that I was no longer a pleasant person to be around.

I wondered why friends that were upbeat didn't want to spend time with me. I worried constantly about people that never gave me a second thought.

I admit, I struggle sometimes when a person seems to "need me" or makes me feel like I've wronged him/her. I don't want to hurt another person, yet I have to find the kind of balance where my well being is my priority.

I don't think I could have made a choice a year ago just to eliminate an emotionally draining person from my life. I used to think that the more you gave into a relationship, the better it would make you feel in the long run. I can't function like that. I only have so much time and so much to give, I can't deal with people sharing only the negatives and never rewarding me with the positives.

I want to be a driven, positive, successful person. I've heard over and over again, you are the combination of the five people you spend the most time with. I want those people to be driven, positive, compassionate, fun, and successful. I want to see goals and aspirations, action plans and passions--I need to be around the kinds of things I seek.


I believe in the power to change and seek out a future that will be entirely fulfilling and positive. Every day is not going to be easy, in fact I doubt any days will be. I just want to keep moving forward and looking for that balance. I need to learn to leave things behind that hold me back from being a productive, happy person.

Without creativity and positive influences in my life, I could fall back into being a carpet. I'm too empowered for that. I have the power to make a difference in my life and the lives of others, but I need to choose my friends and contacts carefully. I didn't before and I ended up in a lot of dark places emotionally. Life is full of opportunity, love, and passion. I really hope I never forget that.

Things that Annoy Me (and Why): Exhibit B

Is there some kind of unwritten etiquette and special grammar school for everyone else? I could swear that English was the dominant language in the United States, but reading through e-mails, text messages, twitter updates, and other manners of written communication, I've decided there must be a separate language in which I am not fluent.

What in the hell does this even say? : "All time us the don't ask to me get difered condominium ice hot"

I received this message from someone on a MeetUp group and I can't even figure out what it might say. I have not yet formulated a response. I'm not even sure the message was meant for me at this point considering I have never actually met the individual who sent it.

I wish incomprehensible language was rare. If this was an isolated incident, I probably would not have reacted, but between the texts that say "Wat up" to the crazy teenagers speaking in longer and longer acronyms, I am beginning to feel entirely lost. I can follow something simple like OMG WTF my BFF...at least I think I can, but when the letters move beyond groupings of three, I have discovered a language barrier.

I'm not only bothered that people can't speak, write, or think in anything close to proper English and grammar anymore, I'm terrified at what happens next in this society.

Granted, common errors drive me up the wall. For example, "your a beautiful women" being texted as a compliment. Really? Do people not really know the contraction you're anymore, or is it just too hard to find an apostrophe and an e? I can't even begin to understand why someone wouldn't know singular woman versus group of women, but I'm starting to think I'm the odd one out.

I am bothered immensely by the situation.

I want a magic educational wand...

Life is good.

No drama so far this week, things are running smoothly.

I am driving a minivan and it's smooth and fun and I love it a lot more than I ever thought I would. Cliche mama here I come!

My son's breathing treatments are going easier. Less screaming, more medicine staying in the mask, and he still hates it, but I know he doesn't hate me because he always needs a mama cuddle afterward.

Karaoke is happening twice for me this week.

 I have two Christmas parties, some gaming, and an awesome girls night out also scheduled this week.

My house is pretty clean, including the counters and the laundry.

I learned a lot of super valuable things in a staff training and I feel like my job is going to start being more productive, moving toward the awesome category.

I listened to many of my favorite Christmas songs on my drive...if only I could make a Christmas CD. I think it would be fun!

A coworker made veggie soup and pumpkin pie and brought it in for lunch today--score! I'm definitely saving my teriyaki noodles in a box for tomorrow.

My mom is making cookies today with my godmother and imagining the tastiness makes me smile.

I have so many fun projects--I don't feel bored at all. A great feeling, and if it does snow today...it's beginning to look (and feel) a lot like Christmas!

(The only thing that would make this day better is shopping, but I can hold off on that forever because I made a fun little notebook where I cut out things that I would love to own but don't need--I can look at my little collages anytime I want!)

Asleep Unsound

Curled up
an inviting fuzzy blanket enveloped around me
warm, cozy, my eyes closed
drifting into sleep
to dreamland

Took a wrong turn

A large, strong man
knees on my chest
one hand holding my hands above my head
the other over my nose and mouth

can't breathe
no air
pain

And then I wake up, hearing myself gasp a bit like a scream

I put the kettle on

my hands shaking
a cup of tea
then back to bed

Please, Sleep, no more dreams like that tonight

Life smells better with chocolate on the stove and chex mix in the oven

I admit, I love to bake and create and cook a lot during the holiday season. I also admit I prefer feeding my creations to other people. If you get fat because of something I make, rest assured that I will help you dance or work it off after Christmas.

I love working out, but sometimes I lack motivation, because let's face it, dancing is more fun with a partner or group of people.

Today, the melting chocolate placed over pretzels with Heath candy pieces, the chex mix, the cookies, and tomorrow's ham ready to be serenaded by sweet spices in the oven makes me feel jovial. No wonder holiday spirit abounds in this house...the food and goods are made with love, and you can't go wrong there.

Shine

A single droplet is caught
between the pride in my heart
and the twitch of my cheek
lodged deep in my tear duct
under a seemingly stoic brow

I close my burning eyes
thinking about the sunrise
shining behind the dusty haze
a trapped winter sun
no choice but to be clouded over

But it still shines

giving me cause to smile

because I can too

Why Dante Shepard is Awesome

Lesson #821 - Santa Claus
Go to the site to see the images, they're cute.

Recently, a girl told my daughter that Santa Claus wasn't real. I responded by telling her that people who don't believe in Santa Claus don't have any Christmas spirit. I told her that believing in Santa was the same as believing in magic. In our family, the way things work and creativity and generally the enjoyment of life is something we refer to as magic. Life is better with magic, but I absolutely love this logic brought to us by Dante Shepard:

Santa Claus is REAL. Ignore what all the mean older kids tell you. Of course he exists. In fact, it's not even that hard to prove.

First, you need to understand that there are in infinite number of universes. There are so many, that we're not only unable to count how many universes where you remembered to wear deodorant today, we also can't count how many universes where you didn't, or how many where you don't even have armpits.


So, this means that not only does Santa exist, he might exist in as many as half of lal of the infinite number of universes!


"But, aha!", the mean kids might say. "Even if Santa is real in half of the possible universes, our universe might be one of those where he isn't real."


Well that might be true. But with an infinite number of universes, that means that not only is there at least one Santa Claus that can travel between universes, there is at least one Santa Claus who can travel to our universe.


So hold on to your child-like hope, and keep on happily waiting for Santa. And if the mean older kids just keep saying "Nuh-uh", you can ignore them. They just don't understand physics.


Happy Holidays, kids. Of all ages.

I am very happy to know that there are other people out there that are willing to dream and be consumed in magic and holiday spirit. If we let the nay-sayers stop the world, we'd never get anywhere!

Things that Annoy Me (and Why): Exhibit A

I'm going to start with the concept of an RSVP (or in case you don't understand the French it means please respond, usually to an invitation). Traditionally, a guest receives an invitation. If there are no conflicts on the calendar, they respond yes to the invitation and add it to their calendar. If another invitation comes later for that same day/time, the second invitation gets declined. The exception to this is is a family affair or huge event like a graduation or wedding conflicts, in which case it is the responsibility of the guest to contact the host and explain to them why they're going to have to cancel.

So, what the hell has happened? Now people decide whether or not to RSVP based on how they're feeling. They don't respond to an invitation. Even if a guest does respond, I've notice a 50% chance that they will ditch out on their accepted invitation for something they do off the cuff that day.

For me, it's further proof that people no longer give a damn about common courtesy. They don't care about the friends (well more like acquaintances) they hurt because they're too busy following their own pleasure seeking that they don't even notice they're rude.

I'm not saying there are not good reasons to be unaware of whether or not a person can make it to an event.  If there's an inconsistent work schedule, it's best to respond yes, but make sure to let the host/hostess know originally that you may have to work and then keep him/her updated once the work schedule is known.

Why is this so hard? Communication and respect are the only two keys to responding to an invitation. Even if a family emergency comes up, letting the host/hostess know is the one thing that can be done to make sure he/she knows that you didn't flake out on an event, but simply were unable to make it.

I think when it comes down to it, I have a much easier time figuring out who my true friends are based on whether or not they show me any respect when I attempt to do something nice to spend time with them. Honestly, there are people who are in careers that are still acting like they're in high school. Ten years from now, I'll still be having parties with the people I care about and the bad RSVPers will no longer be receiving invitations to parties from me or anyone else. No one likes to be ignored or disrespected.

By the way, if you fall into the category of a bad RSVPer, you may want to consider how that makes your friends or even family view you. The world doesn't revolve around you unless you want to live in that world all alone.

My Favorite Versions of Last Christmas

I absolutely love this song so I would be satisfied to make a CD of only this song :) It's not my absolutely favorite Christmas song, but I think it's the song that I like the renditions of the most.

Crazy Frog - Last Christmas (Funniest/Best video)


Billie Piper - Last Christmas

Savage Garden - Last Christmas

David Fonseca - Last Christmas

Wham! - Last Christmas

George Michael - Last Christmas

Taylor Swift - Last Christmas

Cascada - Last Christmas 

Coldplay - Last Christmas

Whigfield - Last Christmas

Darren Hayes - Last Christmas

Hilary Duff - Last Christmas 

Ashley Tisdale -Last Christmas

Bliss - Last Christmas

Boa - Last Christmas (J-Pop)

Glee Cast - Last Christmas

What Does it Really Mean to Pay it Forward?

This weekend, I received the kind of extraordinary gift that I can't even begin to express my gratitude for. The only string attached to the generosity is that at some point in the future, when things are better financially and I can that I pay it forward.

How will I know that whatever I finally do will possibly have the same fuzzy feeling of gratitude? How can I ever hope to do something as wonderful for someone that has been done for me? I admit, I go overboard sometimes, but this is so far beyond that, I have never done something as meaningful or impactful as this gift is going to have on my life even if only for a short while.

Hopefully when I have my chance, I'll know. The universe does have a funny way of working out.

Heart full of holiday spirit, things are starting to feel right. I hope when things are tough again that I remember moments like this. Faith in humanity is hard sometimes, but the truth is, the people I love, the people that are there for me; they are the reason that I should never lose that faith.

Dear Santa,

I'm too old to actually send you a letter at the North Pole, but if you're feeling amused, maybe you'll see this blog amidst checking your crazy list of naughty and nice children expecting your attention this year.

I remember thinking about Christmas a lot. What do you want for Christmas? Where's your list? I think I've always had trouble with the concept. Don't get me wrong, I like making wishlists and the rare time someone surprises me makes me feel special, but I always feel like I'm not asking or thinking about the right things.

I mean we're talking about a recognition of the birth of Christ, a time to reflect and celebrate.


I have trouble because many people claim it's only a hallmark holiday or it's stupid because it's so commercialized, so how can I steer in the direction of hope and recognize the significance while still giving and receiving gifts that are meaningful and reflective of this time of year?

I think a lot of people struggle with the question, especially in a time now where there isn't a lot of extra money in budgets.





The best I can hope to do is let people know that they mean something to me. Festivity in the midst of cold winter is comforting to me, even if other people don't like the frivolity, the carols, the lights, I do. I wish there was more honest Christmas spirit in the world and less empty giving.

What is an accomplishment?

So, obviously it's hard to get recognized. Work, friends, and family all have their own priorities, worries, thoughts, projects, and hectic schedules. Even if something is appreciated, I don't think gratitude and recognition is a very high ranking value in today's buzzing race. I think it's hard to remember and enjoy the little things, so here is a list of things I feel accomplished about today:

-I found suspenders for my son at JAX. (Take that children's specialty retail stores--none of you had them.)

-I completed a trio of butterfly stamp decoupage mirrors and a bookshelf, projects I had been dragging my feet on for months.

-I got my paperwork turned in early.

-Both of my kids were smiling when I dropped them off today (with a little help from the cinnamon rolls I baked).

-I have been making a lot of progress on the website for work.

-My pants look great, especially from behind--Just Dance 2 is paying off!

-I found some of the most awesome gifts ever for some of the people I really care about.

And here are some of the things I appreciate (only initials are given to protect the guilty):

-CF, my conversations with you brighten my day even when we have nothing to talk about. Your insight, sarcastic comments, and general catching up and relaying of activities helps a lot more than you could ever know.

-SG, I am so stoked to get in free next Tuesday, it made my week even though it's only $3.

-IH, with how hectic things have been lately, I don't think I'd be doing as well as I am right now without your support. Thanks for being there when things were rough--we both had a lot to deal with and I'm glad neither of us had to be alone in that.

-VISTAs, thanks for getting me out to breakfast today--it was awesome getting to talk and eat in a more relaxed environment and I'm totally excited for later this month.

-Everyone who made me laugh and smile today--it used to be more difficult, thanks for loosening my gears a bit--sometimes I take life way too seriously.

-Everyone who is coming Saturday to the Annual Holiday Party, I am way more than excited and can't wait to see you! I've been planning and  having a great time preparing things.