Tripping on Guilt? How to Deal with Manipulative People

I came across a very useful summary today on Dealing With Manipulative People from a book called In Sheep's Clothing by George K. Simon.

Over time, I've know a lot of people who tend to attempt to manipulate others in order to get what they want. I think the processes I used to be most susceptible included guilt tripping and shaming.

From the article:


Guilt-tripping – One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon. Aggressive personalities of all types use guilt-tripping so frequently and effectively as a manipulative tactic, that I believe it illustrates how fundamentally different in character they are compared to other (especially neurotic) personalities. All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately starts to feel bad. On the contrary, a conscientious person might try until they're blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive personality) to feel badly about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility, or admit wrongdoing, to absolutely no avail.

Shaming – This is the technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to them. It's an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy in the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of dominance.

I was a frequent victim of these two types of manipulation. If I felt that I'd hurt someone's feelings because they "didn't have anyone to hang out with" or "thought that I was a nicer person", I would literally change my behavior to try to fix what I perceived as my problem. The truth was, people were using my goodwill and desire to be a nice person to get what s/he wanted. 

We have to be very careful in today's society. We have to find the balance between friendship and abuse, manipulation and good will, and our own comfort levels. If a behavior or action pushed by someone else makes me feel uncomfortable, I know now that I do not have any reason I have to put up with it. It's not only the comfort of others that matters to me. I have to make sure that I'm comfortable too.