The Relationship Equivalent of Schrödinger's Cat

Okay, I admit it. I am super hot and cold lately. One of my close friends laughed and said that he's glad he is in the "friend zone" because I am like Schrödinger's cat. Obviously, I'm not in a box with poison, but for people to figure me out (when they're trying to get to know me), it's damn near impossible because the variables are unreadable and unpredictable (apparently).

So I guess people should be afraid or excited to open the box...

When life gives you stress...

Apparently I respond to different people in different ways.

For example, a few of my closer friends and family witness me constantly shut down on the phone or in person with them when a straw hits my back that I can barely take. The stress overwhelms me, I focus on it, feel like the world is going to end, and they convince me that everything is going to turn out all right and/or happens for a reason. 

On the other hand, I have friends who show concern when things are crazy that I can feel like things are going to be okay. I don't seek sympathy and I try not to focus on the problem but instead all of the solutions in front of me.

I'm trying to figure out what causes those two different reactions. Obviously on some level I seek sympathy, but what brings out the stronger, more confident, optimistic version of me? I'd like to hone in on that. I think people would enjoy being around me a lot more (even under stress).

Happy Thanksgiving 2010

It's hard to really express thanks today when the world is caught up in turkey and football, but I think the very real truth is I should remember to express thanks everyday to the people in my life that make a difference.

This year has been hard and whether it's a dinner or coffee with a family member, karaoke or enjoying a laugh over a drink with friends, or playing a game or watching a movie with someone, the small things that have made a difference for me.

I have added many wonderful people to my life this year and although they're blossoming friendships, I value them greatly. I also feel incredibly grateful for those who have stood by me--it's hard to find friends that stick around when things get rough.

Today, I'm going to reflect and take pause with my family, enjoying dinner, and being thankful for my family, friends, and being an American. We enjoy many freedoms and opportunities. Although some days I'm disappointed because of the difficult times our country is going through, it's important to remember that we will not be locked up for speaking out, we have the ability to make a difference, and if enough people get behind something, anything is possible. Those are not truths in many countries, but here, we have more power than we like to think. We just have to be thankful for our liberties, remember to fight for them, and enjoy them together.

To all of those who have spent a moment making me smile, held me in tears, curled up over popcorn, taken a walk, shared a nice chat, missed me from afar, or just shared a smile across the room, thank you. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

A Girl Like Me is Hard to Find (but so is a Guy that's Worth My Time)

Doesn't that title just sound like a cheer?

So I've been trying to figure out what I envision the holidays being like this year. It's rough because the past year has provided a lot of changes in my life. While they're amazing and wonderful, positive and affirming, the fact that so much has changed makes it hard to know how I want to proceed. How do I plan, what do I want?

It's been easy in the past to decide on holidays because honestly, I just let other people plan them even if I wasn't a hundred percent happy with the ideas and events. I'd let myself be stressed out, keeping it all inside, sometimes crying at night because I wanted to feel thankful and loving, but the world swirling around me felt out of control.

I actually regret how many times a minor annoyance let me ruin my outlook. I would open a gift that deep down I adored and I couldn't express gratitude. I was a grouch and a scrooge even though deep down I love and cherish everything holidays have to offer.

This year, I'm going to smile. I'm going to mean it. I'm not going to let something small falling out of place ruin it for me. I'm not going to let someone telling me Thanksgiving and Christmas are stupid and commercialized because in my heart, they're not.

This is a time of year that I like to feel I'm remembering to show people that they mean something to me. With the love and thanks I feel many days, saying thank you really isn't enough when it comes down to the end of the year. I've made a lot of new friends that I cherish, and it may be hard to find a girl like me (and harder to find a guy who is worth it), but it's hard to find true friends too. (Not to mention my incredible family--I love you all. I couldn't have been adopted into a family of better and more supportive people!)

To those of you I love and feel thankful for, I hope you know who you are, because even if I forget to say it, you've gotten me through a lot. This year has been more difficult than I could have imagined, but it's starting to feel worth it. Things are getting better (even if I do have an angry rant here and there).

Happy Holidays or Bah Humbug. You decide ;)

Avoiding an Amygdala Hijack?

My wheels are still spinning. I went to a training today on conflict resolution. Honestly when I had walked into the training, I hadn't expected to glean much, but the more time goes by, the more significant the impact of the information tends to be.

When I get hurt/upset/angry, like most people, my brain goes into fight or flight mode and I'm at the mercy of instinct for 18 minutes before I even have the ability to calm down. The idea that the amygdala has that kind of effect basically explained for me why I say things I can't believe I have. I'm hoping taking breaks will help, but I really wonder how many relationships have been destroyed over trivial comments made in the heat of passion. I hope, that if I have done that (and I'm sure I have), I can have the wisdom not to repeat it. Luckily, I think I'm fair at knowing when to apologize, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't fix everything.

The other thing I took away that I think is going to take a lot of work to reconcile is that people treat us the way they perceive us. We talked about how certain positive influences in our lives are people we perceive as fun, generous, having good eye contact, being respectful, honest, taking the time to listen, have grounded values, are curious, constructive, positive, encouraging/motivational, calm/peaceful, loving, optimistic, passionate, and patient which those we see as negative influences are more likely to be narcissistic, irresponsible, intimidating, dishonest, judgmental, selfish, demanding, rude, unrealistic, demotivational, threatening, and regarded in the back of our minds as dangerous.

While the first group makes people feel open and safe, attracted/drawn to, trusting, curious about, inspired, respectful, and have an increase in their own perceived self-worth and value, the second group makes people feel threatened, defensive, withdrawn, snarky, combative, adversarial, unmotivated, and often creates environments of avoidance and fear.

I think that some of what I experience may be because I haven't done enough in my interpersonal relationships to make it safe for people to connect with me.

It's just a thought, but I think it's worth realizing that just because something is true or a person is open/honest doesn't mean that another person will receive them or perceive them in that manner.

It's obviously not an overnight fix, but I think I have some decent information out of which I hope to examine my interactions and start changing my personal bubble environment :)

Trying to Defrag

I'm sure I'm not going to be entirely successful, I just really want to let go of some of the frustrations that are holding my mind hostage to negativity.

I've come across so much intentional indecency lately, people and situations where a complete disregard for emotion and safety is concerned.

I am hurt, badly, but I don't feel like it's necessary to explain why or by who, only that I think the overall selfish nature of society is something I cannot comprehend and hope I'm not party to.

I hear things about myself, sometimes from the mouths of people that don't know I am who they're talking about. Rumors...such a high school concept yet still present. I wish the world would grow up. I have to admit that some of the rumors, where I live a more risque and glamorous life cause me pause on occasion. It's fun to imagine that I am somehow a less concerned person.

People that really know me know how truly finicky I am. Scared and wanting to try new things but only hoping to find a pocket of people that I truly feel that I can trust.

I think what makes is stranger is I believe a lot of people are looking for the same thing. This selfish disregard for others I'm starting to think is a defense most of the time.

So how can the process be reversed?

I have no need for dishonesty or pain from recklessness in my life. It's too short and wonderful for that. I'm hoping that I can shed the negativity truly believing that it's not me that people are intentionally hurting but moreso a product that people have lost the ability to notice when they hurt each other.

Perfect Guy? Yeah I Suppose I Have an Idea

I was doing an exercise in a book earlier today in the strange attempt to figure out what I want in my life. It seems like something I should know, but honestly it's been a lot harder than I've expected. Right now, I'm stuck on this idea of what a perfect guy for me would be like. So here's my brainstorm I guess...

Physically
-Somewhat masculine, with the ability to lift and help with things where I need help, can play at least some sports, a bit athletic in personlaity
-Maybe a little rugged, definitely somewhat good-looking, symmetrical, but a little mysterious
-Intense eyes, strong hands

Mentally
-Incredibly intelligent, interested in learning and talking on a variety of subjects
-Nerdy and not afraid to be that way
-Can discuss without debating, and debate without having to win

Emotionally
-Mature, has dealt with some major things in life and handles them like an adult
-Doesn't rush in but isn't closed off either
-Pays close attention to my feelings/wants/desires
-Positive outlook on himself but not narcissistic 

Lifestyle
-Manages money well (and hopefully has a moderate amount)
-Decent job that he enjoys
-Likes a variety of things hopefully including video games, dancing, going out to nice restaurants, karaoke (or at least going to watch me), sitting and watching movies, eating ice cream, massage, maybe a little shopping, going to libraries, cafes, and museums, concerts and theater, travel, working on home improvement projects, and maybe likes to work on cars
-Loves kids and is able to interact naturally with them
-Has a good relationship with his relatively normal and supportive family

What else should be on the list?

It's Kind of a Contest?

Okay so I've been attempting to design this on my own for the longest time, and I've determined that aside from notebook doodling, I am a horrible artist.

Here's what I want designed:
-Black Celtic Lettering
-Says Loved when looking at it right side up
-Says Angel when looking at it upside down
-Would span between the shoulder blades if I decided I liked it enough to be a tattoo

I am unsure as to whether I would want all of the letters uppercase or not, but originally when I fell in love with the idea, I had been looking at the ambigrams for Dan Brown's Angels & Demons created by typographer John Langdon.

Anyone interested in trying?

Listing Off My Mind

I thought maybe if I wrote these down, I could possibly chance decent rest as I think I am falling ill to some of my son's ailments. On the upside, two major things, getting the car back and having him seem to turn the corner on feeling better, have happened and for that I'm  grateful.

Now I have to consider the things weighing on my mind.

Around the house I wish to:
-Finish, Sort, Fold and/or Hang up all of the Laundry
-Oil the bookcase and glue on the tiny mirrors
-Clean out and organize the kids closet and move media shelves into the front room
-Set up Evie's twin bed
-Collage the mirrors for my room with the butterfly stamps
-Hang up decor that I have
-Decorate my home for the holidays
-Deep Clean the kitchen floor
-Borrow Gram's shampooer for the carpets
-Get all of the DVDs back in their cases that are going to be staying here
-Touch up paint
-Get my bathroom entirely and functionally organized
-Get my closet entirely and functionally organized, getting rid of clothes that do not compliment me or my style

Outside I wish to:
-Reorganize the outside closet for games
-Clean out the garage and move the holiday decoration boxes out there

For the kids:
-Organize and figure out what art supplies I have, make the art cabinet in the garage useful
-Get everything sorted for Christmas so that it's all easily done when the time comes
-Find ways for my daughter to practice the school items she's working on with my crazy schedule

For work:
-Find more webinar trainings surrounding social networking
-Go after the information I need to complete the blogs through the end of the month
-Order more books from the library so that I have more information on volunteer issues for nonprofits

Other:
-Be more consistent in my exercise
-Find a way to flush and replace the brake fluid, transmission fluid, and get the oil changed in the car
-Make sure to donate any junk (or sell on craigslist)
-Make sure to write a bit every day
-Keep my health up
-Prepare more meals ahead of time
-Get to the grocery store (need to organize coupons first)

Anyway, hopefully since I've written them down, they won't weigh on my mind as much. (It was my mom's suggestion and honestly, anything I can try to unravel my stress is helpful).

Unbalanced, Dazed, and Trying to Take a Deep Breath

I feel as if life sometimes hits me all at once. I will be bored and calm and mildly productive for a week or two and then things all happen at once.

While a child is sick, something happens to the car, I have things to finish at work, but I'm lacking so much sleep, I can't get anything done. At the same time, the laundry is overdue and I begin feeling sick and have appointments I absolutely have to make. All of a sudden, the things I had planned that seemed so minor, like a concert, karaoke night, or gaming session all become so unimportant because I'm running to the hospital and depending on my family's help just to get through the week.

I always start second-guessing what I should do in my free time, if i should take any at all. If I'm not taking care of the kids, working, or sleeping, can I really justify doing anything other than trying to make sure all of the paperwork, cleaning, and miscellaneous activities are in order?

It's hard to think that taking time to relax for myself is a bad thing, but if I hadn't, a week like this wouldn't set me back so far. I guess I really feel like I should reexamine my priorities.

I Don't Know What it is About November

I think that the change in time just throws my life into a tizzy of strange circumstance. With the onslaught of the holidays, sickness running rampant, problems arising, and general day to day normal stress, I always feel as if I am entirely out of control playing in some kind of tragicomedy.

I would hope that I'm in a comedy where all ends well and everybody falls in love, gets married, and lives happily ever after, but considering that I've never met an immortal person, I'm fairly certain everyone dies in the end. (Please sense the sarcasm here...I promise I am not serious nor actually depressed or anything).

I am, however, frustrated because I feel like my normal pattern of three steps forward and one or two back in progression is more like one step forward and three steps back in my current state. I often wonder how to feel differently about unfortunate coincidence. I try not to think on it too much, but why is it when it's the worst time for an event to occur while another is happening, it always seems to? I demand respite from the universe's sense of humor or affairs for a few weeks. I just want to keep moving forward <3

The Frustrations of Social Assumption

So apparently words don't mean their meanings in social interactions. I'm not talking about sarcasm or dry humor, but the underlying ideas about what he/she "really means".

Here's a clue...some people, like myself, do not understand this magical language. Usually if I say something sincerely, I mean exactly what I'm saying.

Example 1...I made plans to hang out with a friend tonight.
Assumption...She doesn't want to hang out with me.
Fact...I had already made plans and I'm sticking to them. If you ask me second, you're likely not going to see me. If I accept a first invitation, I do not change for the second no matter how much I do/do not like or want to hang out with you.

Example 2...I am not feeling well and I think I'm going to stay in tonight.
Assumption...She's lying and found something better to do.
Fact...I am trying to stay in and go to bed. Granted, I usually spend more time on my computer than I should, but if I'm staying in, I don't feel good nor have I found something "better" to do.

See what I mean though? What is the point of telling people things directly if they're going to be taken differently? Is there a book of phrases that I should be avoiding?

You Really Want to Know What I Think?

All right, this post doesn't allow comments because I'm not writing this for discussion. A lot of people have asked me lately about my political views, and although I'm not telling you how I voted, this is generally what I want and where I stand:

-I support The Constitution, taking special interest in the Bill of Rights

-I want complete separation of church and state.

-I'm sick of the two-party system. I can't find two people that agree, let alone only two groups of people

-I want oil to be replaced, Texas needs help finding a new big industry, and I think cleaner and more productive energy research, operations, and production might be a good way to go

-I want more incentives for local companies that do not outsource

-I want a greater focus on education in this country. I see it as the foundation for everything else, and I can't believe how much schools are suffering when it should be one of our main focal points. We don't have a future if we're not educating the young to compete with the global education standards.

-I think the federal government needs to leave more decisions to states if it's not a law or measure concerning a basic human right (and yes, I do consider food, shelter, healthcare, etc to be basic human rights, basically things in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights).

-I think with how overcrowded jails are getting, we need to be focusing less on the death penalty/life sentencing except for completely violent/horrible inmates, and try to focus more on creating programs to support societal problems and the psychological impacts of the past on offenders. I think that prisoners should be benefiting society if they're getting room/board in jail.

-I think birth control and reproductive health education needs to be much more accessible and restrictions on abortions need to be a little more focused. I don't like reading about abortions as birth control, there are so many better options, the education needs to come before that's a choice someone is having to make. I also think that men who don't want children should be responsible to get fixed, it isn't only the woman's responsibility.

-I think the laws should be more supportive of families, people still lose jobs over having children which is ridiculous. The cost of childcare and trying to survive is crazy and I would love to see incentives for family-friendly companies that support their employees.

I guess, in general, you could say that I think this should be the land of opportunity and community. I don't like seeing what's happening. This country has come together to support one another in the past and I really hope that's in the future. 

NaNoWriMo

And so it begins. Here's my page (user LKHart): http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/560653

This year's story is Loss to Dream.

Synopsis:
After Kelley loses her baby to miscarriage and then her husband as he blames her for the loss, she is a successful forestry entomologist alone with her work and not much of a social life. On the baby's due date, she starts dreaming about a relationship with the child she lost. Between dream and reality, where does Kelley belong?