My wheels are still spinning. I went to a training today on conflict resolution. Honestly when I had walked into the training, I hadn't expected to glean much, but the more time goes by, the more significant the impact of the information tends to be.
When I get hurt/upset/angry, like most people, my brain goes into fight or flight mode and I'm at the mercy of instinct for 18 minutes before I even have the ability to calm down. The idea that the amygdala has that kind of effect basically explained for me why I say things I can't believe I have. I'm hoping taking breaks will help, but I really wonder how many relationships have been destroyed over trivial comments made in the heat of passion. I hope, that if I have done that (and I'm sure I have), I can have the wisdom not to repeat it. Luckily, I think I'm fair at knowing when to apologize, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't fix everything.
The other thing I took away that I think is going to take a lot of work to reconcile is that people treat us the way they perceive us. We talked about how certain positive influences in our lives are people we perceive as fun, generous, having good eye contact, being respectful, honest, taking the time to listen, have grounded values, are curious, constructive, positive, encouraging/motivational, calm/peaceful, loving, optimistic, passionate, and patient which those we see as negative influences are more likely to be narcissistic, irresponsible, intimidating, dishonest, judgmental, selfish, demanding, rude, unrealistic, demotivational, threatening, and regarded in the back of our minds as dangerous.
While the first group makes people feel open and safe, attracted/drawn to, trusting, curious about, inspired, respectful, and have an increase in their own perceived self-worth and value, the second group makes people feel threatened, defensive, withdrawn, snarky, combative, adversarial, unmotivated, and often creates environments of avoidance and fear.
I think that some of what I experience may be because I haven't done enough in my interpersonal relationships to make it safe for people to connect with me.
It's just a thought, but I think it's worth realizing that just because something is true or a person is open/honest doesn't mean that another person will receive them or perceive them in that manner.
It's obviously not an overnight fix, but I think I have some decent information out of which I hope to examine my interactions and start changing my personal bubble environment :)
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