Some Things You Can't Unsay, Unthink, Undo

Some people need to learn that actions can't be undone, but at the same time, when a person has really screwed up, why isn't there a drive to be a better person, to make sure it never happens again?

Is it easier to hurt someone after you've already done so? Easier to hurt others after that?

I feel kind of lost when it comes to figuring out how much trust a person in my life deserves. I try not to be jaded, I should be able to depend on someone when they say they'll be there, but I keep getting proved wrong.

I want to be a horseback riding mermaid

These statements are those of children. An adult may think, you can't ride horses and be a mermaid, those a mutually exclusive. A child knows that mermaids are only mermaids when they are wet so as long as you aren't soaked with water while riding horses, they are inclusive and possible.

Children see things in a way we can't even begin to expect as adults, even adults that see things creatively. Some days, I wish that I could gain that perspective back. Kids bounce back faster from bad news and a more colorful world can't be a bad thing.

Weddings and Other Nonsense

I've had a few friends get married this summer and we weren't really close, so when they were saying they couldn't invite everyone, I simply stated that I was fine with not getting an invitation.  I felt like taking the stress off was a nice thing I could do. Also, we weren't really close so I didn't think I necessarily merited an invite.

So every freaking day after these weddings other common friends ask me why I wasn't there. "I thought you would be there..." etc.

I don't want to be mean, but seriously, I wasn't invited so obviously I wouldn't be there, and really, it didn't bother me that I wasn't invited until people start bringing it up.

Should I have been there? No, I wasn't invited. Would I have gone if I had been? Of course, I love my friends and I love spending moments with them that are beautiful. I am happy for my friends that got married this summer, and yes, I still consider them friends. Seeing how people react makes me wonder why everyone doesn't just elope? Other people make speical events so much more complicated than they need to be!

Your silhouette remained in my subconscious

stupid remarks cataloged by pop-culture reference number
driving me mad as I pushed and pulled you
wondering if I was uptight, if you were inappropriate,
if love was even part of an answer either of us understood

eventually you were gone, I often miss you
sometimes I watch the things you liked just to understand
all of the reasons that we didn't belong together
or maybe those were the reasons that we did

who knows, maybe I would be happier
sometimes I don't give things half the chance they deserve
the only question is, can I gain what I lost
or am I really supposed to be looking for something else?

Day 30: A letter to yourself.

Well LK, 30 days of "truth" prompts and what have we learned? You are an amazing girl that takes life in stride and sometimes feel like you can handle it all while other times feel like you can handle nothing at all. You encourage, doubt, express, and press yourself. You want better and you're willing to work for it as long as it's the best option for everyone, not a selfish choice for yourself. Honestly, sometimes you focus way too much on what others think or may thing or may have thought instead of trusting yourself enough to know that you deserve respect because your decisions are yours and they are mostly good ones. You've learned from your mistakes and you carry a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. Don't get discouraged. Everything really does turn out, even if it's not in the way you expect it to. Love, Me

Day 29: Something I hope to change about myself & why

The biggest change I need to make is the way I care for myself. I don't eat as often as I should, sleep as much as I need to, laugh as frequently as I want to, or focus on nurturing my creative side nearly enough. i put all of my concerns last. I think about the kids, my family, my friends, and my job, and just conveniently ignore the things I should have high on my priority list. I think it's going to be a journey to feel like I can take time without feeling guilty, but it's surely something that needs to happen.

Day 28: What if I was pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

If I got someone pregnant, I would call a lot of doctors and scientists. That would be incredibly awkward, amazingly interesting, or just outright quirky.

I've already been pregnant twice and I have two lovely children. I consider it a blessing and I love my kids.

I guess this question seems kind of moot to me, I had my kids and I've health problems that make it unlikely that I'd have another.

Make Life Amazing

Why is it that even the times we're not really risking anything, spontaneity and silliness seem to be out of line with 'what we should do'? For me, ladies and gentleman, I'm done with it.

This week, I've done some interesting things. I stopped off on a road at a random fire station to see what was going on because I saw Smokey the Bear and got excited.

I ate at a restaurant because I saw it on the top of the hill and figured, why not?

I took a box of paints and made a finger-painting of a rainbow eye because I felt like being crafty. (I'm now going to collage on top of it as an experiment.)

You know what? My flash-thought actions haven't taken my life and turned it upside down or even affected anything important except my smile. I feel better when I take a moment and do something with it.

As a child, you don't think about what's worth your time, you act accordingly to how you're feeling and it's okay. Granted, I need to make time for things I have obligations to do, but why not have a five minute conversation with a bag lady in the supermarket or drink coffee from a divey looking coffee shop instead of that predictable Starbucks on the corner? Why don't we add random events more often when adulthood sets in? Are we too "grown up" for it?

Well, in any case, I'm done. I'm happier when I try new things and go with it sometimes. I don't need a life change, my life is dynamic and it's always part of the change. Being happy is being myself, if you can handle that, you're welcome for the ride. If you're not, well, kindly get out of the way :)

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for me right now?

I am.

There is no measure greater than the strengths of my personality, my will to overcome, my perseverance. I am the ultimate force in my life that creates the positive, the negative, the laughs, the connections.

I am a good person with a good heart.

I am a thoughtful person with amazing intelligence.

I am a dynamic person in a world full of possibility and change.

I am truly amazing and if I use the potential I have, the humor I enjoy, the creativity I unleash, everything in my life is going to be extraordinary.

The challenge against the best thing going for me right now is also me--that self doubt, thinking that the world isn't working out, and ignoring my creative impulse, that's what destroys dreams. I have everything I need to make anything possible. I am the best thing and the worst thing in my life. What I need to do is focus on being the best thing. The negativity can rot on its own--it's not something I need.

Day 26: Have I ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I've dealt with the kind of struggles that made me wonder why my brain was still driving on, the kinds of days where I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, and there were some very dark thoughts and less than kosher actions in my past.

I think it's really important for people, especially going through major life changes, dealing with puberty, and those with the possibility for postpartum or seasonal depression, to focus on making sure that emotional struggles are not dealt with alone.

There are times when I felt like I couldn't ask for help and it felt like I was drowning. I'd drag myself down and sometimes I wasn't sure I was ever going to be happy again. I get really scared when I think about how many people struggle and how taboo it has been to admit that something is wrong. The fact is, all people have bad days, things happen we can't control, and it's okay to seek help. I'm hoping that the more open the conversation becomes, the more acceptable asking for help will be.

If by chance you're reading this and you're feeling like you have no one to talk to, no way to fix whatever is happening, please, if you know me, you can always talk to me, and there are numerous resources at your disposal. The most important are the suicide hotlines which can be found at  http://suicidehotlines.com/, the national hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) is a great resource. You're never alone. Never give up, never surrender <3

Day 25: The reason I believe I'm still alive today.

There are many physical factors leading me to believe that I am alive today. Breath is entering and leaving my lungs, my eyes are open, my brain is firing, and I require food, drink, sleep, and use of a restroom.

All kidding aside, I have two beautiful children, great family and friends, and a ton of things I still want to accomplish. Being alive is a blessing and I don't feel like questioning why, I just want to appreciate the miracle :)

Day 24: A playlist to my mommy and why I chose all the songs.

(I've linked youtube videos for each of the songs, so if you haven't heard one, go for it by clicking on the song artist - title)

Regina Spektor - The Call

For me, this song is about the hope that bloomed into my adoption, and calling is how we keep in touch and are always there for each other. There are no real "goodbyes" in family, just degrees of physical separation. I also feel that there's a cyclical representation in the song about how life resonates. My mom doesn't have me as her baby girl but she's there now for my baby girl. I guess the feeling of the song is so loving and resonant with our close family values that I just always think about her when I hear it.

N Sync - Bye Bye Bye

When I was in high school and we went to church camp, my mom and a few other moms dressed up like N Sync members and danced while lip synching this song. I have never laughed harder in my life. It's just one of many times my mom proved how incredibly awesome she is.

Silence - Delerium feat Sarah Machlachlan

This song has been very powerful for me. I first heard it when I watched the movie Brokedown Palace and I sang it constantly. I feel like this is one of the songs I sang and I could always tell how beautiful my mom thought my voice was and how proud she was of me. It's also such a lyrically beautiful song that puts me at peace. I feel like in a way it still represents me, a conflict between emotional struggle and hope.

Eminem - Lose Yourself

I remember when my mom bought the first Eminem CD. We listened to it in the car. It's the first time I really listened to rap or hip hop of any kid (save the Beastie Boys). This is the song that peaked our interest on the radio and it's another one that I just think about her while I "lose myself in the music".

Matt Morrison feat Gwyneth Paltrow - Somewhere Over the Rainbow

If it's related to the Wizard of Oz, it makes me think of my mom. This particular version I came across and it just makes me think of watching the Wizard of Oz eating popcorn. My mom always smiles when she watches that movie--it's her very favorite. "The dreams that you dare to dream really do come true."

AC/DC - For Those About to Rock

I didn't really listen to AC/DC until my mom and I were looking at her records. I knew one song belonged in the list. This is probably my favorite along with Highway to Hell.

Carole King - Tapestry

I'd pretty much add anything off the album "Tapestry" for this playlist. The lyrics of this particular song are so rich and paint a picture as a tapestry is woven--I think it's poetic qualities really speak to as why it was the title track for the album. If you don't know a lot of Carole King, she's worth listening to. My mom's love of her made her one of my favorites for singing songs for karaoke. "Smackwater Jack" is the funniest, "I Feel the Earth Move" is the best to dance to, "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" is a great duet, and "It's too Late" is the song I love and sing too little.

Fleetwood Mac - Dreams

Fleetwood Mac is another band that pretty much anything would work for this playlist. Dreams is a great song because "thunder only happens when it's raining". We listened and sang along all of the time. It was a good time.

Day 23: Something I wish I had done in my life

I really wish I had made a trip to Europe by now. I also wish I'd gone to a nerdy convention, ridden the roller coaster in Vegas, and probably a million other things. This is an odd question though--I have a lot of life ahead of me so I'm not that worried about eventually doing the things I really want to.

Day 22: Something I wish I hadn’t done in my life

When I was in sixth grade, I was in an advanced math class. When I asked the 8th grade teacher for help with a concept, she told me I didn't belong in the class. Being stubborn, I asked my mom to take me out of the class and I convinced myself that I was terrible at math (and consequently science). It took me years to really feel like trying in either. If I didn't get it without thinking, I didn't want to deal with it.

I later found that I really liked both math and science. With more effort, I think I could have gone a lot farther in both and I probably psyched myself out of some pretty awesome career options. I know it's not too late so I could remedy the situation. Who knows, the future is full of possibility.

Half an Inch Off

I get frustrated sometimes, the kind of disgruntled that leaves me feeling sick to my stomach, a square peg shoved partially into the wrong hole and painted the wrong color. I stick out like a sore thumb or I'm completely invisible. I really wish I could find a balance between the two.

The last couple weeks have been hard. I've had to brush things off that really bother me. I know people like me well enough, but most of my friendships aren't overly strong. I don't get invited to the big events, I don't get considered when someone is sitting at home wondering who to hang out with--I'm just that girl seen in that place with those other people.

Now I used to get this feeling but I wasn't making as much of an effort to get to know people. Now I try, but the result seems the same. I only fit in some places, but friends don't generally think of me otherwise. I don't know if it's the immediacy of the culture or that people are happy enough with their groups of current friends that adding another person just isn't in the cards.

I'm not really meaning to complain, just contemplating. Too many things in the past couple weeks I would have liked to be a part of. I get invited to the events to support a cause or remember a lost friend, but not to the celebrations. Hopefully that will change with time.

Day 21: My best friend is in a car accident and the two of us got into a fight an hour before. What do I do?

I rush to the hospital to be present for my friend. I don't think a disagreement is a good reason not to be there for someone. I've been left alone in a hospital alone before--I can honestly say that few experiences are worse than that and I would never do it to someone I called a friend. I would even show up for an old friend that I hadn't been speaking to for over a year because of a disagreement. Being there when it really matters is the measure of a good friend.

Day 20: My views on drugs and alcohol

Honestly, I like the idea of taxing most drugs so that they pay for the addictions and could be more regulated. One exception to this, however, is meth--that stuff should simply not exist. It's nasty stuff.

I don't have particularly strong views on drugs or alcohol in regard to right/wrong, but people need to be responsible. Other people should never get abused, hurt, or killed based on another person's decision to use drugs or alcohol.

I don't like how people make a decision and don't stay safe. People that become violent on a particular substance shouldn't use it. I just don't understand why people can't stay out of a driver's seat, away from weapons, and keep it fun.

Day 19: What do I think of religion?

re·li·gion (according to Google's Dictionary)

noun /riˈlijən/ 
religions, plural

The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods
• - ideas about the relationship between science and religion
Details of belief as taught or discussed
• - when the school first opened they taught only religion, Italian, and mathematics
A particular system of faith and worship
• - the world's great religions
A pursuit or interest to which someone ascribes supreme importance
• - consumerism is the new religion

I think, as with most things, I generally like or approve of practices that don't go too far, interrupting another person's life in the pursuit.

It's important people have value systems, beliefs, or general codes by which they like to live and I should have no part in telling a person what to think, believe, or otherwise practice unless it interferes directly with the quality of life for another person.

I do believe in a version of God. I also attend some services--I love choral music and singing in church. I generally have no qualms with people where I go to church, but I avoid biblical discussion. I think a lot of people that participate in organized religion are good people and others or not. It's more or less the same with any other group--you have a mix of people, and most people, deep down, I believe are good. I don't, however, believe that people who are not participating in a religion are any different from any other group. I just think it's a personal choice, as simple as enjoying arts and crafts or as strange as choosing to be vegetarian.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage

I believe that all couples getting married should be happy when they do so :)

Day 17: A book I’ve read that changed your views on something

Well Twilight completely changed my outlook in life about how I view pop culture. There was a time when I believed the most popular books were the best ones out there--I now know I need to search thoroughly for books worth reading and that most people do not care about consistent storyline, ripped off ideas, grammatical corrections, and other nonsense.

Day 16: Someone or something I definitely could live without

Haha...well, I could definitely live without the things that waste my time like people with clipboards, political phone calls, advertisements, and door-to-door salespeople (except kids...kids are allowed to sell popcorn, candy, cookies, and waste my time).

I could live without people that spread rumors and take other people's problems so seriously that they take sides and every confrontation has to be us vs. them. I guess I could do without immaturity and hearing things second-hand about people that shouldn't be talked about.

I could also do without clowns...entirely. I would not be sad if they all vanished.

Lastly, I could do without the kind of men that think it's appropriate to message people looking for naked intimate relations with girls they don't know and think that sluts and hos are proper terms to use for a woman--the world might be a better place if the creepers disappeared. 

Day 15: Something or someone I couldn’t live without

Well I've already said that I can't live without music. That said, the people I couldn't live without...family. I'm not only talking about the conventional mother/father, brother/sister, daughter/son family--I'm talking about the people that have reached into my heart and become my family because I love them.

Honestly, I recently got a lot closer to friend of mine that crossed into where I felt he was a part of my family and I do feel as if I'm at risk for losing him. It's hard to know that decisions made can't be taken back and sometimes nothing you say will make a difference. How do you get someone you care about to take care of himself? It's impossible to motivate another person, but if I could, I would selfishly do whatever it took to keep him as a part of my life.

Day 14: A hero that has let me down

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten me through some tough days.

Oh wow...this one is hard. Music gets me through everything. There are so many. In high school, Avril Lavigne, the Beatles, Shania Twain, George Strait, Delerium, Matchbox 20, the Barenaked Ladies, and Eve 6 got me through everything. But now? I mean it's more single songs that really get me when I'm feeling a certain way.

Music has a way of reaching into my deepest feelings and connect with something happening in my life. Living is a soundtrack. The songs that have been the most meaningful for me lately are:

"Jar of Hearts" - Christina Perry
"One Life to Love" - 33 Miles
"A Little Bit Stronger" - Sara Evans 
"Raise Your Glass" - Pink
"Believe" - Staind
"Invisible" - Skylar Grey
"Leveller" - Plasmacrash
"Second Chance" - Shinedown
"The Best Thing" - Relient K
"This Little Light of Mine" - LZ7
"Hate to Break it to Ya" - Musuji
"Through the Glass" - Stone Sour
"Paper Angels" - Panzer Ag
"Secrets" - One Republic
"I'm Letting Go" - Francesca Battistelli
"Joy" - VNV Nation
"I Could Just Kill a Man" - Charlotte Sometimes
"King of Anything" - Sara Barielles
"Jawbreaker" - Ascii Disko
"You Belong With Me" - Taylor Swift
"Firefly" - Sister Hazel
"Silence" - Delerium feat. Sarah Maclachlan
"Mixtape" - Butch Walker
"Undisclosed Desires" - Muse
"Sweet Dreams" - Marilyn Manson or Eurythmics
"Consider Me Gone" - Reba McEntire
"Mr. Crowley" - Ozzy Osbourne
"Sex, Drogen, Und Industrial" - Combichrist

I guess music is just too central for me to pick a band or a song. I feel like music sort of interacts with my life. It's never been a single band, artist, song, or genre...it's a combination of styles and lyrics that just speak to me. They help me to feel angry, sad, or lonely when I need to, but songs can also uplift my spirits, make me laugh, and play along.

Day 12: Something I never get compliments on

I have never been complimented on fingernails or toenails that I have painted myself. Not to say that I should be complimented...I do a pretty terrible job :)

I'm guessing this is supposed to be something I think is positive but that I never get complimented on...I actually have pretty awesome friends and family that compliment me, so there are not a lot of things I do well that at least one person has not noticed.

On my body, I can't think of a time anyone complimented my calves or ankles.

I don't often get complimented on my choice of blush (on myself) in terms of make-up.

I also never get compliments on my handwriting...even when I'm trying really hard. I've recently discovered that this may be due to the fact a lot of people cannot read cursive.

Also, other than karaoke on very rare occasion, my singing voice no longer receives compliments. I love to sing, but I do feel that I lack the ability to really share it anymore. Nothing feels quite right.