Free to Be Me...Unless Spock is Watching

He stares at me all day
His hands say "Live Long & Prosper"
But his eyes...they stay directly on me
One eyebrow raised
An almost vacant
but distinguishable judgmental expression.

Everyone should have office toys that keep her behavior in check :)

The Sweeter Things

claustrophobic heat, soaking though the skin
clothes plastered to her figure
taking drinks of water, sucking on ice cubes
before they can melt

and then
lightning
a strike, a rumble
the sky's become dark

an cloud's implosion
heavy with water
dumped down onto brittle grass

running outside
the ice water dripping and soaking
she's laughing and exhilarated
free of the sticky sweat

then caught in an embrace
a first
a kiss in the rain
sweet and simple
she laughs and runs
they both smile

the fire
the heat
the worry
all a cloud in the background

droplets of water
and a first
and a smile
a perfect laugh and small connection--the type of memory she can always hold on to.

A Real Nail-Biter

I've been biting my nails as long as I can remember. It's a nervous or bored habit. I sit and anxiously pick away, bite away at my nails/cuticles. Although in recent years, I've not bitten them to bleeding (as often), I didn't kick the habit for more than a week other than the month before my wedding (and even then, I cheated a bit).

The last couple weeks, I've worked on decluttering my environment, dealing with negative emotions when they come up, saying no when I feel stretched so that I don't over-commit myself, and being really honest with myself, especially as to why I feel sad or nervous or disconnected.

I've taken the time to polish and tend to my nail care properly. For the first time ever, I've been painting my nails and it make me feel beautiful. I don't want to destroy it--I want to keep going. (Trust me, they aren't the prettiest manicures--it's not a skill I've spent a great deal of time developing.)

The point is, I feel like it's a symbol for the value I'm discovering in myself. I will still have bad days, but when it comes to my overall emotional health, taking care of my body and environment, and moving toward a better version of me, I can do this.

I think it's a long time since I've believed that I'm the person with the power in my life. Hopefully I make the right decisions for myself with that power.

Wish for Better

As I sit here unwrapping a strawberry Starburst, I'm worried. The events over the weekend have shifted my thoughts from my petty self doubt and financial considerations to realizing that things are much worse and are likely to get difficult in the coming weeks for friends and families that live near the canyon fires.

I don't intend to stop working on myself and improving the quality of life for myself and my kiddos, but I think I forget sometimes that even when things feel like they're falling apart, they can get much worse.

I have had a rocky ride the last couple years, but when I think about the tornado that hit Windsor, the hurricane that affected friends in LA, and these fires, my insecurities seem fairly ridiculous.

I have the most important things in the world, two beautiful children who love me, a place to live, a job to provide with, and a very large number of family and friends who are truly there if I am humble enough to ask.

I pray that family and friends still have homes after the fire runs its course. I know we're all watching and waiting while brave men and women come in to try to lessen the impact and protect the people who are being evacuated.

Writing Songs in My Sleep

I have a lot of friends in music...and they're amazing. Performing is an art I have yet to master, but I think the part I find most impressive is the ability and willingness many of my friends have to take pieces of themselves and share them openly and completely with other people.

I am an incredibly insecure person when it comes to my talents at writing, singing, collage art, poetry, songwriting--I even have a tendency to destroy work I've created because it's so personal I can't bear the thought of the criticism.

Recently, I started sharing more, being more open about myself in my writing, allowing friends to see my collages and talking about topics with people I trust that I had previously deemed inappropriate. i don't know if I'm taking a stand or if I'm just sick of being insecure.

I think this all comes hand in hand with my desire to make the relationships, friendships, and motivations in my life to be honest, open, and my decision.

I'm hoping that by allowing my creative and emotionally energy out, I'll be a happier and a healthier person. I just have to get past being terrified.

I have dreams where I sing and sometimes I wake up and write part of them down. When I do sing them to myself in the shower or go over them while I write or collage, it does feel better. I hope that I can keep with this. I feel better when I have creative outlets.

I Need to Stand in the Rain

I made goals for myself last month to improve myself, finish all of my home projects, get everything done and doing it well. Here I am, it's the second week of June and between how hard I'm being on myself, my inability to complete all of those tasks, missing my children, and feeling like I'm letting all of my friends down, I haven't been sleeping well.

I think I want the end result I see in my future so badly that I keep taking today and complicating it.

People who truly care about me have been patient with me, coming by to help when I'm trying to get things done, but for the most part, I am frustrating myself with my lack of ability to ignore what I need to ignore to get what I need to done.

Text messages are becoming irritating. It's not that I don't want to spend time with people or that I don't want to talk, but texting wastes so much time. I used to be happy to sit around and text, talking to whomever, but my motivation to do what I need to in order to clean, heal, process, and feel better keeps getting hindered. I feel like I'm letting people down, which for me, is horrible.

I lose sleep at night--I always worry about the people I'm ignoring in order to do things for myself. I thought it was a problem with just my time with my kids, but it turns out that if I can't do something with a friend or with my family, my self hatred is ridiculous.

I'm at a breaking point. When I've been here before, I've gone back into my respective shell, giving up what I was trying to do. I'm not going to let that happen this time.

I don't know what the ramifications will be of this decision. I know that many of my friends are upset with how distant and noncommittal I have been for the last few weeks. I don't see that pattern getting better until I have my life in order.

When my divorce was finalized, I did not take the time to heal--I was running through life--I needed a job, we needed to survive.

My family is stable and safe now. I'm not becoming a hermit or refusing to relate to my world or my friends, but I am going to be taking a lot of time for myself. I hope that those of you who have known me well can understand and respect this decision. I need to heal. Mostly for myself, but also for my children and my friends.

So many people have told me how amazing and beautiful I am, but I have trouble seeing that when I look into the mirror. Until I see it, I know I have work to do. Thank you to those of you who have tried to help me on this journey. I wish that your efforts could solve the overall problem, but the truth is, it's my fight and I love you all. Thank you. I am taking this step to find the strength to see in myself what others have told me they see.

Until then, I hope you can forgive me for the times I am distant. Once I get through this and stop being afraid and start believing how strong I am instead of simply paying the idea lip service, I hope your'e still going to be there.

How to be Ageekable

I'm a geek. I'm a dork. I am also irritatingly adorable and ridiculously cute sometimes. I'd blame my vicinity to children, but being a mom hasn't made me this way, I'm naturally creative and silly and I love looking for small things to make life more interesting.

This week, I was given three magnets: a unicorn, a gnome, and a buffalo. I have magnetic poetry in my cubicle, along with a stuffed Spock, a magic geek ball, a lego TARDIS including the Dr & Amy Pond as well as flowers, pictures and cards from my kids, and collaging supplies.

The magnets made a lovely addition to my little ensemble. I've named the Buffalo Ralph and I've assigned the magnet "Surveillance" to him, the Gnome is named Wilson and he is in charge of the "Tech Support" magnet, obviously the unicorn is "Mission Control" and I've named him Harold. They are the new conversation starter in my cube--am I a complete and utter dork? Of course, but that's who I am and I wouldn't change it for anything.

I'm at work--there's no reason to get bored.

Monday, Monday (So Good to Me)

Let's face it, most people do not like Monday, there are far fewer phrases, songs, and general chatter idealizing Monday as opposed to cursing, disliking, and generally dissing on this poor day.

Why? Most people start the work week on Monday.

I dislike my weekend ending, but I'm actually finally in a place where I enjoy my coworkers, I feel fairly good at my job, and I don't mind being here for the time required to be paid the amount that I am in order to leave work and do the things I enjoy.

This is a good feeling.

I'm still iffy about my ability to make new friends and continuing on my weight loss and home organization goals, but being at work today and feeling happy on a Monday--I'm definitely settling into my life.

Crazy Ugly Beautiful

I'm coming to terms with something that I'm not overly proud of. I sabotage myself--a lot. When it comes to diet, exercise, and being healthier, I often freak out when I start seeing results and pull back. Between December and today, I went from a size 22W back to a 16, but I've stopped.

I ask myself why I don't exercise, why I procrastinate and why I choose to skip meals even though that's what started all of this.

Truth is, I'm afraid.

It's not that I feel particularly ugly or even unhealthy, but when I see the potential to be that thinner me, I hesitate.

At first, I thought it was because I didn't want to diet or that I didn't like exercise. When I started really working on improving my space, eating less processed foods, and playing with my kids instead of watching television when I was tired in the evenings, I started dropping weight.

I was average toward the end of my years in high school, thinner, but it was due mostly to my thyroid. I've never actually believed that I could look "conventionally" beautiful again because I'm the curvy girl now, the mama body--if I could change that, well I'd have to admit that I could change anything about my life.

I want to believe that I have no control over my weight, that some of it is so genetically ingrained that trying won't matter. The truth is, I don't think I've ever had my whole heart in the change.

As I've felt increasingly empowered in other parts of my life, I'm having to make a decision. I'm either all in, willing to push myself and set a positive example for my kids, or I'm out and not truly willing to do what it takes for me to be healthy.

It really seems like an easy determination. You'd be surprised with all of the excuses I give myself. Healthy food is more expensive, what if the gym doesn't work, what if I can't lose weight due to other health problems, what if I can't afford new clothes once I'm doing well...the list goes on and on.

I wish I could wave a magic wand so that I wouldn't feel so afraid.

In December, I was a size 22W and going up my stairs took my breath away (literally...). I can run up and down my stairs today without heaving, but I know that's not enough.

I often wonder if others struggle with the issue of being bigger and wanting to change but being afraid because s/he's accustomed to the body s/he now has. Maybe it's just me.

I know what decision I have to make--I really just wish I knew how to make me take myself seriously and not try to sabotage it. I need a real goal--one for me, one that matters, and for the life of me, I can't come up with one that isn't about someone else.

I'll get there.

The Trouble with Addiction

When many people hear the word "addiction", they consider it a word limited to people who overuse drugs, alcohol, and maybe caffeine. Most people don't think they have an addiction, it's a word to describe those "other people".

The addicts, the alcoholics, the hippies, the communists--it's a negative word directed at people who use or overuse something that a person doesn't like.

The truth of the matter is, everyone, to some degree has some kind of addiction.

Some people are addicted to perfection, attention, food, shopping, games, sugar, and even emotional states like depression or highs from adrenaline. Some people are addicted to the status quo, others to drama and change. We define ourselves by what we want to see about ourselves.

This week, I was doing an activity in a class about my history of addictive behaviors. Seriously, when the group leader pulled that out, I was thinking, "Yeah, cuz I'm totally an addict...what on earth is the point if this?"

Fact of the matter is, the closer I looked at what I was being asked to think about, the more I realized that I just never considered that addiction was simply a need for something in my life. It was hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that addiction wasn't always necessarily a bad thing.

In my case, a few very poignant things did stick out that I'm going to need to work through. I'm doing well now, but historically, I have tendencies toward overeating, developing dependent relationships, and overuse of caffeine when I am stressed. On a good side, as long as I don't let it go too far, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and if I start exercising, I do tend to get a little addicted to the physical activity.

The key with our addictions (or tendencies if you like that word better), is to be aware of them and be able to recognize when they're going too far. If something you're addicted to starts affecting your ability to function in other aspects in your life, that's when I would say it's serious. Otherwise, just being aware of yourself and keeping those tendencies in check leads to a healthier, happier lifestyle.

Am I there yet? No. I am glad to be working on it though--I see a much brighter future.

Excuses for Inequality are Not Reasons

I can't get it out of my head.

This week, between reading articles about a black teen shot by a police officer for the color of his skin, the hatred of people toward homosexuals wanting to honor a commitment to another person in marriage, and a few jokes I heard outside of 7-11 while I was returning a movie, I can't help but think about how wrong and crazy it all is.

People blame all kinds of things for these discrepancies. White people deserve this. God believes that man and woman should be together. The Mexicans are taking our jobs and living off our hard earned taxes. And quite frankly, it's all bullshit.

I think I was lucky to be brought up the way I was. I didn't realize until I was in college that deep-seeded racism and bigotry was something that existed in America. It was the land of the free, everyone had equal opportunity, and I never noticed skin color or sexual orientation any more than I did brown hair or green eyes. They were individual qualities. I liked or disliked people based on their treatment of me, whether I enjoyed spending time with them, and I never felt like there was an expectation I should be treating them differently.

I truly wish more people had grown up the way that I did. Does it give me uncharacteristically high expectations of people? Yes. Do I where rose colored glasses and believe that people all get along and can accept one another? Not really, not anymore.

I do think that the affect of prejudice on my life has been minimal. Aside from dealing with small groups of people who bullied me for being adopted and now for being a single mother, I feel that the impact isn't as measurable as those things I read about and try to understand.

I will never wrap my head around the idea that the way another person looks or feels has anything to do with a person making a judgment from afar.

When I see a black person, my first thought is not he's going to steal my stereo, but if any person starts messing with the door handle of my car, no matter the color of his or her skin, I'm going to think that they're trying to break into my car. How it is that actions are not the measurable unit of value in our world?

It isn't about God or facts or statistics. It's about people being assholes and finding ways to create their superiority over a whole group of people for no other reason than there's something they're not satisfied with in their own lives. Prejudice is a lifestyle and a thinking choice.

We allow racist, prejudiced, and bigoted remarks to flow from others freely, we even make excuses for them. Their parents talked that way so it was how they learned. They take the Bible seriously so we should cut them some slack. Why?

Why should I cut a small-minded person some slack while they hurt, make remarks, and bully other people?

I'm not saying every joke or stereotype is an automatic red flag that should be pounced upon, but we need to more closely examine where these remarks come from. If they're coming from a place of fear, hate, and lack of self worth, it needs to change.

We need to replace excuses for a bad behavior with reasons to stop those behaviors.

Actions speak louder than words or sex, race, sexual orientation, creed, hair color, body type, tattoo, or favorite band. I'm sick of people having stupid reasons to be small minded. I'll get off my soap box now...

Too Fast a Pace

I've made efforts to slow down the way I live my life. I don't make friends automatically, I don't trust someone the first time he does something reliable, I don't run from one activity to the next without taking in the scenery. I don't limit my time on an art project if i'm enjoying it. I don't cut corners where things matter. I say no when I can't do something instead of trying to shove it in my schedule.

It's new for me, so sometimes it is hard, but the hardest part is that a lot of the people in my life are on a fast path--things are now or never, they want things now, they want an answer automatically, especially when it comes to dating.

I've noticed that the people I've tried to get to know that I continue to talk to don't push me for answers and don't try to charge into the private parts of my life. I share what i'm comfortable sharing, go to activities at times that work for me, and lately I haven't been stressing myself out to make it to things and be there for people that haven't earned that in my life.

I've been trying to decide if that's an inappropriate way to deal with new friends. As I get to know new people, there's a old habit in me that wants to trust a person, dive in, share and do anything possible with one another. If I look at my track record, when I react to new people like that, they take what they want/need at the time from our friendship and later leave...it doesn't last.

I don't expect the world to slow down, but I am trying to figure out how to make the most use of my time with people I'd like to keep in my life.

I hear a lot of people struggle with friendships and disappointments about friends who ditch plans for better plans at the drop of the hat. I think if a friendship really matters, that wouldn't happen unless there's an emergency. I think there needs to be more communication and I'm trying to make the kids of friends I'm going to want to count on and that I'm comfortable counting on me.

I have a few, but I can honestly say that my friendship skills are lacking a lot more than they ought to. I'm not a plan canceler, but sometimes I don't pick up the phone to make plans when I should. I wish there was a magic "relate to the world properly" button on the back of my neck. It's really hard to figure out what kind of people and friends I want to have in my life. For a long time, I didn't realize that I had the power to make that choice. On the flip side, I need to make sure that I'm the kind of person that someone else will want to be friends with.

So much work! But I know it'll be worth it when I get it all sorted out.

Smile and Nod...Works Every Time

I've discovered that with high drama individuals, smiling and nodding is my greatest recourse in interacting with them day to day.

If you engage a high drama personality, it is easy to get sucked into their over reactions, trials, and tribulations and they will turn any anthill sized problem into a full, underground, destructive termites nest.

I feel guilty if I ignore a person trying to get my attention or who seems to need myself, so I've been a likely and willing target for people who overemphasis their problems and day to day interactions. I would sympathize with the cruelty and unfairness of life, but when I'd offer solutions, many times I would be attacked or slighted for "not understanding".

I think the hardest realization for me is that wen I started to feel out of control, I heard myself worrying about other people with problems. I had to stop. I sat down and looked at the true nature of the complaints and problems of the high drama people in my life, and I've discovered that the problems boil down to three different areas.

1. Addictive behaviors -- overuse of alcohol/drugs, need for attention/perfection, overeating, living life vicariously through other people, etc

2. Boredom/depression -- no job, no kids, no money, and no drive to change the current situation and instead finding distraction in creating drama about/with/through other people

3. Sadism/Experimentation/Borderline Sociopathic behavior -- like to see other people react, want to see what someone else will do in a situation, pokes and prods at the thoughts/feelings of others for entertainment

After realizing that, I asked myself if people in those categories that were filling my life with dramatic monologues were people that I considered healthy friends. Looking at it, they're mostly not. There has to be honesty, give and take, trust, and openness to have a good friendship with someone. When I was dreading talking to or seeing certain people, that was a red flag.

I hope on days when I'm being overexcited about something simple, a friend will give me a heads up and tell me to get back into perspective. I think it's what everyone needs sometimes. I don't think anyone wants to be a high drama mama!

The Wrong Kind of Ugly

I don't feel unattractive or impulsive or desperate, uninteresting, or sad. I do not lack talents, friends, ideas, creativity, or family support.

I do feel ugly today though. I feel like someone is pressing my buttons to make me angry and I don't want to snap. I often wonder why pressure affects me so greatly. Compared to this time last year, my life is a freaking cake walk right now, but I still feel this underlying nagging feeling. I can't make things right. I want them to be perfect RIGHT NOW.

I keep having to remind myself how far I've come in the last year, as an independent woman, as a mother, as an employee, and as an artist. It's hard to remember where it was that I was coming from and I can nearly taste where I'm trying to go. If I get too impatient, I'm going to lose sight of what I set out to do in the first place.

Some of the frustration is definitely my fault...beating myself up when the dishes aren't done, falling asleep in the pile of folded laundry (it's so warm...), and feeling irritation sometimes when the kids interrupt me. I need to keep reminding myself that judging myself constantly and worrying about what everyone though is what created the problems in my life before.

I need to relax my mind and refocus so that I remember for myself and for my kids that the life I want, we are working toward together and communication is the best key I have for that.

Wish me luck!

Dragon

twisted ribbon tangles dripping into a muddy crimson pool
a kind eye
a harsh whisper
stagnant air flowing like smoke through her lungs
a quiet cough
a hand on throat
don't speak, you're not alone
putrid heavy sighs reverberating against the walls
frozen solid, attempted blend into the background
bright white shirt against a blemished grey stalactite
panicked hands grasping for light in the dark
a yellow eye blinking, the slit of his pupil wide at my appearance

he tells me not to be afraid
and I scream
but there's no sound
only darkness

Why Video Games Are Better than Boyfriends

I've been excited about Diablo III's release for the past ten years. I cannot stay excited about any relationship past a few months, so as I was contemplating whether or not I was going to purchase the game, I started laughing about how fulfilling playing the game night be in comparison to some of my recent attempts at dating. 

Dating: Schedules and risk of broken plans whilst I try to look nice and make a good impression.

Gaming: Always waiting on my computer with no expectations of me.

Dating: Have to make small talk about 'real' life, sharing the stresses of work, school, kids, and whatever.

Gaming: Can either talk or not talk to other people and take out my stress on imaginary enemies.

Dating: Try to doll myself up by trying on outfits, different hairstyles, and make up.

Gaming: Three clicks on the avatar and I look amazing.

Dating: Other people bring drama into life and I have to work through it, even if it has nothing to do with me.

Gaming: People I don't know create drama and I turn the computer off. 

Dating: Dealing with exes and having a sympathetic ear.

Gaming:  Delivering punishment to enemies and being freaking awesome.

Dating: Another schedule to fit into mine.

Gaming: Fits into my schedule whenever I want it to. 

This list could probably go on and on and on :P

Please note: this is not to be taken seriously. If you do not understand sarcasm, you may want to reconsider reading my blogs...

Little Darlings

Last summer, my world was shifting, changing, and breaking apart--there were so many changes that the prospect of my children growing was a shock to the system and most of me did not want it to happen.

As I approach my son's third birthday and a summer of fun before my daughter's seventh birthday, I feel elated. I'm bursting with excitement. Although we fight, they push and quarrel, and some days feel like we're living in a mad house--everything about the way children grow and learn is amazing. 

My son and daughter are both creative, writing and talking and drawing and playing and asking questions. Sometimes, they ask more appropriate and insightful questions than I think to. It's because they're learning and are experiencing life in a way that lets them see smaller pictures inside the larger picture that I take for granted. 

When I'm rushing to finish a task and one of them asks "Why?" sometimes I don't have a good answer for that. Why do I rush? Why do I care about a significant detail? Why can't we play first?

Sometimes things need to be done because despite my best wishes, time is important, but other times, I'm really glad I have two small, intelligent people to remind me that sometimes it's okay to just take a break.

Also, children will always make you laugh if you'll let them--ignoring the questions or musings of a child is unfortunate because nine times out of ten, it actually is important. Too often we take processes and rules and guidelines for granted...as an adult, we have better filters, but I think following the rules when it doesn't make sense is still something worth questioning. If you don't ask questions and grow, you can't make improvements.

I hope I never forget that. More importantly, I hope that I foster that innovation, creativity, and curiosity in my children as they grow. It's the greatest gift they've reminded me that I have and I hope neither ever loses it!

How to Get Written Off

People piss each other off--it's normal. We don't agree, we clash heads, we talk, and if we're respectful enough, we stay friends and move on. Conflict resolution is probably the most important social skill we have. If you can be assertive and disagree with another person and remain cordial and remain friends, you have something figured out.

The problem is when you're watching people spout passive aggressive nonsense. Friend A is mad at Friend B for unrelated event 521. They cut each other down, they talk about each other, and they never resolve why they're upset about event 521, coming up with new things to be angry and stupid about every chance they can.

This is normal because people don't like to deal with their problems, but from my standpoint, when I see my friends engaging in this mindless, negative behavior, I don't really want to deal with either of them anymore.

How do you get two people to sit down because they're acting like toddlers? No idea, getting a toddler to sit down is a feat.

Too bad you can't force other people to grow up and act mature. I'm seeing a friendship that should have blossomed turning into a dramatic he says, she says scenario, and I'm over them unless they can get it resolved.

(And yes, I've said this...which will probably only result in both being angry with me, but who needs this crap, anyway?)

Failing Upward

Friends that I graduated around the same time as seem to be finally making leaps and bounds in their careers and personal lives. I feel like the number people looking for jobs is decreasing and the personal growth and success among many of my peers is sometimes astonishing.

I don't know if I'm noticing success more because I'm feeling more settled or if there has really been so many hard times for people that it was hard to see the good things that were happening. 

I'm not saying that there are not those who struggle, we all struggle sometimes, but I see goals and dreams finally coming to fruition and I'm finding a lot to be proud and happy about. If a year ago you had asked me where I thought I would be right now, I wouldn't have been sure. 

Like others, I'm seeing a plan for my future, and I'm watching some of my friends make lists and arrangements so that they can make dreams come true. Congrats to anyone making positive life changes. And to anyone who thinks this is a cheesy, stupid post and life sucks...you should figure out what you want and then start thinking about how to get there. 

It's ridiculous, it's cheesy, and everyone knows it--you can't start to go anywhere in life if you procrastinate and don't make a plan. The perfect life isn't going to fall into your lap--the challenge and the accomplishment is in getting there!

Becoming My Biggest Pet Peeve

Lately I've been trying to form my "new" life. I'm being responsible and assertive, working on my emotions, etc, etc, etc, but I've become someone awful in the process.

Where before I wound my whole life in knots trying to please my friends and family, now I'm forgetting commitments, people who I told I would make time for, and letting real friendships slip through the cracks. I'm not calling people I told I would call. I'm not asking for help when I need it. I'm not being truly assertive or communicating.

I think it's because I'm afraid. If I'm not around the people that I usually just smile and go along with the plan. Although that's fine sometimes, I don't want to do it anymore--I want a voice and I'm afraid I won't know how to express that and I will come off as a bitch or people won't like me as well as when I just went with the flow.

I know there has to be a way to balance all of this out, but trying to figure it out is making my heart beat faster.

Can't Buy Me Love

I think that dating is the single most irritating and stressful byproduct of human interaction. 

It's very difficult to relate to people who are romantically interested when I am just trying to make friends and move forward in my life.

There have been significant changes for me recently, most of them very personal, and I'm entirely too exhausted and too stressed to deal with people trying to charge into my life expecting my thanks when there's been no real effort to get to know me. 

We live in such a fast paced society. I'm certain there are those who believe by dabbling in a few of my blog entries, they've somehow gained a greater understanding of who I am. 

Want to get to know me? It's going to take time, effort, real life interaction, shared new experiences, and trust. I'm not going to give my trust willy nilly. That's how you get hurt. I feel that if someone wants to know me, there is going to be effort. If I want to get to know someone, there is going to be effort. 

If internet stalking is the best you can manage when you're trying to get to know someone, might I suggest editing that approach? It is easy to live life in the virtual world, relating to people superficially, but it's much more fulfilling and real if you're even just chatting over a cup of coffee at a kitchen table. You just don't get as much from text and pictures everyone is sharing that were posted on George Takei's facebook page.

A Mother's Dilemma about Teacher Appreciation Week

There are few people I respect and feel thankful for more than those who care for and teach my children while I am at work.

They work hard, they're underpaid, and both of my kids are phenomenal examples of what good teachers can do, even with high energy kids--the changes in my kids over the last year have been miraculous. They've never been bad, but both of them have learned a lot and been excelling where last year there was struggle and uncertainty.

Next week is teacher/staff appreciation week. Both schools have sent out letters about all of the things they'd like us to do. I really want to. These people deserve to be honored and yet I look at my bank account and with the fundraisers coming home every two weeks and supplies needed and cost of childcare, I'm trying to figure out how to make sure they know how much they're appreciated. On my budget, that's not going to be easy.

There are notes and flowers, wish lists, gift card requests, food requests...I want to do it all, but in practicality, how many other parents are sitting and staring at the bank account right now thinking how am I going to pull this off?

I don't think it's any secret that teachers are underpaid and undervalued. Right now though, I'm underpaid too--the money that I wish could go to recognition and education, where is it going to come from? People talk a lot about taxes and education and how things were fine and that education needs to be lean and good. What people don't realize is that when we were younger, there was more money per person to go around. Now, schools are forced to ask parents for money constantly because no one else is funding the future. I have a hard time with people not wanting to fund education when they received a good education and that's why s/he is where s/he is today. We're selling out the children of this country and leaving the parents fully responsible for solving the problem of educational funding. Unfortunately, I don't think that parents are going to be able to scrape together enough to provide what is necessary for this country to compete into the future.

Back to the subject at hand: I know I'm going to do something to show the teachers and staff how much I appreciate them next week...I just really wish there was more I could do.

The Girl You Never Loved

She took the seat next to you with a soft smile

then she cast her eyes down

You didn't say hi to her.

You only asked her questions when you didn't have the answer.

She was quiet

She took good notes

She made copies for you when you were sick...or ditching

Your name was written with hearts in parts of her notebook

She based a character off of your personality and another off of your looks in her novellas.

She still thinks about you when she hears Queen "We Will Rock You" or Taylor Swift "Teardrops on My Guitar"

And she still smiles, but she doesn't cast her eyes down anymore.

Wishlists

I've been asked the same question by a few people recently. Do I have a wishlist and does anyone that reads my stuff/knows me every randomly buy things for me off my wishlist?  (Yes, more than three people asked me about this...did I miss a recent news story about online bloggers receiving gifts off of wishlists?)

Um, yes. I have wishlists.

No, no one really buys things for me off of them. I do on occasion, but I guess unless it's my mom saying, "What do you want for Christmas/birthday?" the wishlists are simply there.

I guess it never occurred to me that a stranger would be interested in sending me a gift? I don't usually go online, read something online, and think, hey, I should see if this person has a wishlist. I don't think people have that much time or money. Those that have money probably aren't surfing random blogs online, and those that have time, probably don't have the money as a generalization.

If it now bothers you that you do not know I have a wishlist, I will post them at the bottom of this blog...I have one on ThinkGeek and one on Amazon. (Not that difficult to guess, I know.)

I think the point is, I was surprised by the question, would be happily surprised to receive a surprise, but generally, I don't think people really do that kind of thing? Do they?

ThinkGeek: http://www.thinkgeek.com/brain/gimme.cgi?wid=81d86fe05
Amazon.com: http://amzn.com/w/2A7FIVQNOGB6U

It's a Hard Knock L...Ooo Shiny!

Lately, I've been intentionally distracting myself--the things that go wrong or that are bothering seem extreme and annoying and unless I make myself take a mental breather, I can't handle it.

The latest helpful distractions have been clipping things out of magazines for my college, season 4 of Eureka, and folding laundry while playing with the cats. That last one isn't the smartest in the world because the cats keep getting on the laundry, but at least I have a roller, so I can get the hair off before I throw it away.

Yesterday, I went on a walk during lunch. It wasn't distracting enough because I was still just with myself and that makes me think about everything that is going on. I think music would have been a good idea.

It's been more stressful than I anticipated to be assertive. I keep second guessing myself...should I really have said that? Are things really the way I want them to be? And in some cases, I'm still figuring out what I need to say because there are people out there that don't get things even when you're telling them straight out.

Anyhow, I don't feel much like I've made progress this week. I usually call my mom or gram, but they're otherwise disposed and having an awesome time. I'm hoping once I have a sounding board again, I'll start feeling like things are progressing further.

Boundary

Time
One night specifically
Just a moment for myself, for my art
For my mind, for my soul
I just needed time

You filled my space with noise
Trying to push through
Be a part of that which I had claimed for myself

My time, my boundary
Just one night

Am I so unreasonable needing time

Just one night

To be alone in the evening

Without drama or distraction

A communicated need

Needing time

One night

I don't think so

I deserve the time I've allocated in my boundary

I don't ask for much

I don't ask often

But this is my life

My time

My night

I'm done letting someone else try to impose control on what I do with it

It's Hard to Ask

I've been working on being assertive and being aware of my needs, but it's hard when it comes to actually saying what needs to be said.

I have been around people for days...every day, every night, my free time is mostly taken up by being around someone until the time I need to finish chores and go to bed.

Today, it took everything in me to tell someone, I need tonight to myself. 

Why is it so hard to be honest about such a small thing? I know I have trouble disappointing people, but to say that I want one evening after the kids go to bed just to myself--why is that so hard?

At least I did it. At least I'm moving in the right direction, but I'm amazed at how simple a statement it is, but how hard it felt. 

Like a Love Song, Baby

I've had "I Love You Like a Love Song" by Selena Gomez stuck in my head all day long today.

Do to this inconvenience, I've spent awhile thinking about the concept.

There are a lot of ways to go with it...there's the flaky, surface-level, ditsy, romantic notion of love in pop songs where hearts flutter and the world is happy and no one ever fights. We accept and appreciate a partner for their flaws, lifting up their chiseled jaw, ruby red lips, or the way he looks in those pants as the epitome off all things good and lovely and ridiculous.

I don't think I would be flattered to be loved the way lyrics portray love in any cookie cutter love song. To be in a song, to be frustrating, and amazing, and loved would be interesting, but if less than two pages of words can sum up how it feels, what it means, and why I love someone, I don't really think that's love.

Call me crazy...I have had the song stuck in my head, so I'm sure there are love songs out there that are at least enticing when it comes to how I'd like to be loved. I just can't think of any with Selena Gomez blaring in my brain.

Wisdom from Conversation Clips

A DD cup size for a female adds a +5 modifier to CHA (A +1, B +2, C +3, D +4) against creatures attracted to your gender.

My Very Own Puppet

I left her strings loose, unattended

I thought it gave her freedom

I only recently noticed her vacant expression,
Only tussled by a child or the reverberating bass at a concert

Her expressionlessness, motionlessness, aloneness...
It angers me

Now I'm tangling her strings
Wrestling with her spin
Watching her break
Fall apart
Unwind

She's still alone

I pick up my puppet and I give her new strings
Repainting her face, adding more moving parts
Painting a backdrop on her case to give her imagination

I woke up this morning
My puppet had unhooked her strings
She has ventured out

I am alone.

Shall I make a new puppet?

Coping with What?

We all have our escapes, our recharge activities, wishes to enhance the good or check out of the bad parts of life. How we cope with strong emotions can be healthy or unhealthy.

Obvious problems are addiction, excessive anger/violence, etc, but those are easy to see. It's easy to tell when someone is not coping, but can we really see when someone is struggling with coping?

I think it's hard to know how to deal with stresses and even celebrations in life when it gets to be too much. So I've been trying to come up with ways to cope when I'm feeling either overwhelmed or underwhelmed .

The best list of safe coping skills that I've seen actually comes out of the Allies Program in Sacramento, CA [Copyrights the Guilford Press, New York. From Najavits, L.M. Seeking Safety: A Treatment Manual for PTSD and Substance Abuse (2002).] Pages 5 & 6 of Seeking Safety Handout

Granted, this list was created with emotional trauma and substance abuse in mind, but really overuse of electronics, lack of communication with other people, overuse of caffeine, along with other hosts of relational problems are issues we all struggle with so I don't think that someone needs to have a socially recognized "problem" to benefit from the knowledge and practice of safe coping skills when extreme situations/emotions are encountered.

I think my favorite ones from the list (Pages 5 & 6 of Seeking Safety Handout) are:

• Inspire yourself
• Seek understanding, not blame
• Alone is better than a bad relationship (or friendship)
• Avoid avoidable suffering
• Get organized
• Integrate the split self
• Let go of destructive relationships (or friendships)
• Setbacks are not failures
• Notice what you can control
• Make a decision

Along with self-care and a host of others, those are probably the ten that I need to keep in mind when moving toward being a more assertive, more happy, healthier person. 

I think it's worthwhile to examine how we perceive the world around us. I've been surprised at some of the negative things I tell myself. I'm not free of those thoughts, but I'm definitely working on it. Life is too wonderful to get stuck on the negative!

He didn't know

that he had the power with a single sentence to make her cry

Seemingly Practical Advice You Can't Follow

1. Don't talk to jerks.

I love this line...sometimes the word jerks is replaced by asses or idiots or expanded to guys that don't deserve you, but tell me, lovely people, do you see signs on people that are cruel? Is there some stamp in special you-can-see-but-i-cannot ink that allows you to automatically discern who the jerks are? I have no such luck. I happen to be friendly to a fault. I like talking to people. I've usually been talking for awhile when I realize I'm talking to a jerk. The advice I need is, once I've detected a jerk, how do I get him to stop talking to me?

Question of the Day: Is Facebook Making Us Lonely?

I saw this question today posted on LinkedIn with an article and I can honestly say that placing the blame on Facebook is fairly ridiculous.

Are people living out their lives through relating to others online? Yes.

Whose fault is that?

Sorry folks, the truth is that each person has to accept responsibility for their own loneliness. Want to do something with people? Go find people.

Have game night, have movie night, go to a friend's house and pound on the door until she gets off the computer.

I know it's hard because we're so used to getting our information about people online, but if we're not getting together, Facebook didn't do that. We may have an easy avenue to relate to one another, but Facebook isn't real.

You won't see the best, the worst, and everything in between about a person on Facebook. It's a few lines, a few pictures, a list of interests, and a nice compilation of events and correspondence out for viewing. It's not a friendship or relationship, it's a person transmitted across the internet so that you can see things about someone you know.

Facebook doesn't let you hear the way your friend laughs when you say something funny, or what she looks like curled up on the couch with a book on Saturday. It doesn't tell us what a person is really feeling or how they're doing at work or at home. It's a summary and it's not enough to carry on a healthy friendship with anyone.

We can't blame technology for giving us convenience but we can blame ourselves for not putting that technology down.

I'd much rather check in on Facebook when I'm tired and not interested in doing anything else. If I have someone to hang out with or something to do. I am busy creating memories, not sitting around reading someone else's.

Love Is...

...when you say something is important to you and she does everything she can to support making it happen.

...when you're comfortable crying in front of him.

...when you can be spending time together but don't always have to clutter the air with words.

...when he's listening to you making an ass of yourself.

...when she tries something new and isn't embarrassed if it doesn't work out.

...when you can be honest if you just want to do something else when there's been a plan in place.

...when you can eat junk food, complain about gaining weight, and you're not offended when he gives you shit for it but still thinks you're gorgeous.

...when the comforting words she says really do make you feel better.

...when everything is based on trust and enjoyment of time together not on promises, dreams, and ideas about times that may not happen.

...friendship.

If It Matters

I think everyone struggles with whether or not to spend time on things; whether they're for other people, a treat for the self, some down time, or even a goal that involves many people and factors, I think managing time is one of the harder things I deal with.

On one hand, I have the things that must get done. With kids and work, being a responsible adult means getting certain things done, but I have trouble discerning where that line is. At what point am I pushing myself too hard? At what point is it okay to do something for myself over folding a basket of laundry or worrying about sewing on a Girl Scout patch?

I'd like to say I live in an ideal little world where things fall into place and I have the time I need to get things done, but when I'm really pressed for time, I think that it's my friendships that really start faltering. For the sake of responsibility, I let important things and important people fall by the wayside.

On another side, when I'm upset with someone or don't want to deal with it, the relationships really suffer because I just let it go and don't deal with it because it takes too much time and energy.

So where do I find balance? Not sure, but I'm going to keep trying.

Hopefully the friends that really care and matter will understand.

Are You THAT Stupid, or Is It Just That You Think I Am?

There are people I've had it past "up to here" with and it's not actually for any reason other than their absolute inability to realize simple facts....ones that I've been more than vocal about.

A chronic narcissist obsessed with himself somehow decided that I must be as well, and instead of checking facts he avoided important things while living in his mind with his deluded fantasy. How hard is it to ask one question? How hard is it to look away from the dramatic story being fed to the brain and just clarify a thing or two?

I know the answer, so if you haven't realized that I'm ranting and these are rhetorical questions, I apologize. I'm a little frustrated and disgusted right now.

I feel like I'm a fairly predictable person. I focus mostly on my kids, I struggle for a clean house, and when I'm in the zone, everyone should get out of the way because Mama gets things done. I care about my family above everything else. I love music and spending time with friends, and most of the time, I will choose doing the responsible and necessary thing over frivolity, not because I want to, but I factor in everything and am very concerned with doing the right thing.

How someone can be so arrogant? Silly question really. Lately I've met a lot of arrogant people. I have a very simple news bulletin: I really don't care. So if you think I spend time thinking of you, that's a  lot of wishful thinking. Even my closest friends aren't getting a lot of my time right now. It's not that I don't care about people at all--it's that I don't have time for stupid drama.

Moral of this rant: if you are concerned about something with me or want to know something, just ask. Seriously, it's much easier than me feeling the way I do right now.

If it seems uncharacteristic of me....it's probably not the truth. Between people being stupid and rumors, it's no wonder people choose to have their entire social life play out online--can we please get out of freshman year of high school? (OMG...)

Rant over :) I feel a bit better now.

The Downside of Dependency

I've been in a woman's group for the past few months where we've examined things like family dynamics, person set backs, excuses, dealing with emotions, and we've recently come to a section on relationships. This last week we've been discussing dependency and what different types of dependency look like and then what a healthy relationship would look like. Sometimes, we're not only talking about romantic relationships but also those friendships that are close as well as family relationships.

I know that I have a few unhealthy friendships, but when I look at the different types of dependency and then what a healthy relationship should look like, I definitely feel like I have a lot of learning/growing to do and a lot of things on my mind are in question right now.

I think it's really easy in our society to fall into dependent relationships. We spend too much time thinking about what we want and not enough time seeing what is really there and getting to know people. Here's a bit of what I'm learning and thinking about right now:

In a dependency relationship, the two people involved can't be whole, single happy people when they are alone--they have to be together and it's confining. There is no room for personal growth.

In a smothering relationship, one person cannot live or function without the other person. There is no room for two people to grow in this situation.

In a pedestal relationship, one person "worships" who s/he believes the other person is. This creates judgmental and high expectations that no one can live up to, resulting in emotional distance, high turnover, and generally driving one another crazy.

In a master/slave relationship, one person is subjected to the other persons needs/wants and it's very rigid. There is a high amount of emotional distance, constant power struggle, and problems with intimacy and communication.

In a boarding house relationship, there is no expression of love, two people live together but do not share communication or otherwise, it's confining with no hope for emotional growth or involvement.

In a martyr relationship, one person controls the other through guilt as they are constantly framing the relationship in terms of the sacrifices and things done for the other person. This leaves the party receiving help without power or ability to express their true desires or needs which leads to resentment and emotional distance.

So what is a healthy relationship? It's normal to go through patches in a relationship with these types of dependency, but what should a person really strive for? A healthy relationship is two people who can be whole, complete, and happy without a partner. Their emotions are not partner dependent. These people choose to stay together instead of needing to be together. In a healthy relationship, there is love, emotional expression, and open communication. There is space to grow and be your own person in a healthy relationship and you do not use the other person to meet inner needs. In a healthy relationship, you're able to work things through with communication and expression of love.

How do you do that? A lot of work...you really have to know who you're getting involved with. You have to look at the messages you're sending yourself, and instead of falling in love and devotion, maybe it's better to put the brakes on and make sure that you know who you're dealing with. If you fall too far into a dependent type of relationship, especially an abusive one, as time goes on, it's only harder to get out of it.

RAWR

I've been feeling uncharacteristically tense lately...not sleeping well, not eating well, but not feeling terrible so I can't blame allergies, and I've been taking care of things, so generally, I shouldn't feel stressed.

I've even been productive. I've been able to complete work tasks easily, plan out my finances, get organized for weekend activities, sort my purse, getting rid of trash and unnecessary items--I should be jolly/bouncing off the walls.

Maybe it's a change in the weather?

I feel like this happens to me at least for a couple of days each season. I know that exercise might help me to be less restless so I think I'm going to have to kick it into gear before I become irritable.

I seriously wish that there was a way to add just a little more time to the day so that every afternoon I could go for a swim without having to worry about childcare. I feel like a lot of exercise programs really are designed for stay at home mothers or two parent families because childcare is generally only available during normal work hours (when a single mom like me is at work...). I really liked when I belonged to 24 hour fitness because of the TKE and Zumba classes, i really need to make myself start doing something at home so I can start feeling better.

I think beginning again is the hardest part because it's when the energy level is the lowest. I need to push myself. Ready...set....hopefully Go.

Altered Perceptions - What is Normal?

I recently had a discussion with one of my very favorite people on the planet about my interests. She thought that my love of concerts, steampunk, goth, etc could be perceived as dark or strange and she was wondering how I dealt with that.

Generally, I don't.

I have discovered that for certain music and events, I like to dress up, go out, hang out with friends, laugh, dance, and have fun.

At times that kids aren't at home, being mom can mean not having a social life, and sitting at home wishing the kids were home is a long and boring-- without motivation. I started going to concerts initially to have a small part of my life just for myself. Now I really enjoy it.

I miss the kids when they're gone, but my love of music and events gives me something to do and be passionate about--it's actually gotten me back into my writing and also into painting and playing with music at home when I'm feeling creative. I'm first and foremost a mom, but that isn't all that I am.

Although someone might perceive my love of costumes and events as strange, I kind of think a lot of things people are interested can be perceived that way. I mean what is the difference between dressing up for a steampunk convention and wearing paint and logos and jerseys and going to a sports event?

I really fail to see the difference.

When men walk down the street with their chests and faces painted in the colors of their favorite team, I shrug it off--it doesn't seem strange to me. Where more people may accept that as normal, I don't understand how they can consider costuming for a Renaissance faire, concert or convention as any different--people all have unique interests.

I think we try to figure out how other people perceive us or may perceive us, but the true key is figuring out what matters. Do I like dressing up? Yes, I have a very childlike love of costuming and events. I love music and I love being out and about when my children aren't home to be with me. What do my costumes say about me? Hopefully that I'm having fun and enjoying my hobbies.

Pick a Box, Any Box

People like boxes...they want to take a person, categorize that person into a neatly wrapped box, and place it on the shelf for if/when they ever need a person of that type. Recently, I've been asked what I like or dislike...although not entirely an attempt to box me in, I will oblige you in a few categories.

Like: Gnomes
Dislike: Clowns

Like: Steampunk
Dislike: Traditional Classical

Like: Calamari & Escargot
Dislike: Tapioca & Bread Pudding

Like: Conscientious
Dislike: Pretentious

Like: Veggies without seasoning
Dislike: Most things people like to deep fry

Like: Gothic
Dislike: Emo

Like: Scientific Discoveries / Breakthroughs / New Information
Dislike: Talking about Rules & Terminology

Like: Discussions and Exchanges of Information
Dislike: Hard-headed Arguments

Like: Being Right
Dislike: Admitting When I'm Wrong

Like: Sarcasm
Dislike: Recycled Jokes

Like: Dark/Sardonic
Dislike: Abusive/Insensitive

Like: Animals
Dislike: Pet Parent/Animal People

Like: Performing
Dislike: Being Watched

If you're not confused, congrats. If you are, don't worry, you're normal. We all have our quirks. Have you found a box to place me in on your shelf?

I'd Rather Have Ants

I wouldn't say I'm a cool person...I'm a bit hot-headed. (Let's be honest, if I get revved up, calming down is not my forte.)

Lately, I have been happy but stressed, and for the most part, I have been doing well. I've been able to breathe, take a walk, think through the messages I'm giving myself about a situation in order to really check what's going on and where my feelings are coming from. 

The problem is, I'm only able to apply the strategies when I'm not particularly connected to the person or situation causing the feelings of anger/hurt/etc. When it's someone I care about and I'm close to, it's much harder to separate it all out, and I feel the overall impulse to push people away when I'm getting upset. 

I know that it's good that I'm noticing that I do it, but I can't figure out why I can't stop and reexamine a situation that is closer to home when I'm not allowing myself to get befuddled over the little things any longer. I'm hoping that practice over time will help. I know a lot of people struggle with the same thing.

I know that it's easier to get angry/upset with people who are closer because it's safer. When I push, they pull. When they push, I pull, and everything turns out all right for the most part. I also know I'm not the only person who wishes that I could switch how I react to strangers with how I react to those close to me when I get upset.

Always something to work on...

Bruce Rosenbaum : My New Steampunk Idol

I've done a lot of reading about steampunk because it fascinates me. The creative meshing of the Victorian aesthetic with modernization is not only aesthetically pleasing, but each person has a unique style they add to their personal effects, almost like a fingerprint of an artist on a popular movement.

I haven't had a lot of time and money to create my own pieces, but a recent news article sent my eye toward a man that really is into steampunk for the rights reasons--he was creating new pieces and adding them to old furnishings through restoration before ever hearing or knowing about the subculture.

If you look at the articles, the pictures are amazing. As I'm heading to Anomaly Con this weekend, I thought this would be an appropriate choice. Enjoy a few photos, but visit http://thephoenix.com/Boston/life/135933-bruce-rosenbaum-steampunk-interior-designs-unlik/ and http://steampunkworkshop.com/visit-steampunked-home for more!

Why I Love my Grandpa

Quotes from Signs My Grandpa Sent Me:

"Private Sign, Do Not Read"

"CAUTION: Please be aware that the balcony is not on ground level."

"We will no longer accept money out of undergarments."

"Please Note: As from 27th October,all staff will be required to arrive at work with teeth. If you don't have, please provide proof that you are getting some. Thank you."

"Attention: Do not leave items of value in vehicle. You are in Stockton, not Fairyland."

"Please do not walk on grass" (on patch fo dirt)

"Slow down. The cop hides behind this sign." (police car in background)

"Warning: Fasten bra straps and remove dentures. Very bumpy road."

"Save Energy! How would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?"

"CAUTION: This sign has SHARP EDGES. Do not touch the edges of this sign."

"Please Be Safe. Do not stand, sit, climb, or lean on zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you and that might make them sick. Thank you."

"HIKERS and BIKERS: Move to the side of the road when a vehicle approaches."

What does that even mean?

I work with claims...some days happen without event, people know they owe bills, and business continues as usual. I have, however, encountered some really interesting name-calling and threats. All I can say is...What does this even mean? A few examples of things that make me worry for humanity:

-I'm going to come down there and cuss at you so hard, the police will have to get involved

-I'm going to sue you until the end of time

-I don't care if I'm responsible per some contract, you have no right to send me a bill

-Of course I signed the contract, but who reads those?

-It's your responsibility to tell me everything that I need to know before I rent a vehicle

-You're a lying, cheating, stealing *******, and **** (Reply: Sir, I don't work there, I'm at a claims office in....) * PAUSE* Oh, I'm sorry, I'm going to go talk to them (hangs up)

Sometimes, phone calls at work are synonymous with ***FACE PALM***, all day long.

I Am Cold & I Like Purple

I like obvious questions because I like direct, straight-forward answers. For example, I have a purple sweater. Why are you wearing that sweater? I am cold and I like purple.

I think about the way my kids relate to the world. For them, many things that adults complicate are simple, their conclusions do not draw from purely logical facts and relations.

For example: why are you reading Dr. Seuss? The answer could be "because I'm wearing blue" or "my milk was good in my cereal". They feel no reason to explain these conclusions and it's a wonderful reminder every day about how much I wish that something along those lines would make sense for me.

ABCD...

My task for myself today was to try to get the international phonetic alphabet into my head because I actually used "Mermaid" to confirm M, "Unicorn" to confirm U, "Battlestar" to confirm B, and "Xylophone" to confirm X. Other people use the words from the phonetic alphabet instead of saying B like Battlestar or whatever other nonsense I've been saying.

For those who do not know it:
Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel, India, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike, November, Oscar, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, Uniform, Victor, Whiskey, X-ray, Yankee, Zulu
(At least that's the version I've found, I'm sure there are variations.)

Anyhow, wish me luck...I want to be comfortable replacing letters since claim numbers can include both alphabetic and numeric characters. (That and trying to confirm spellings of things...other people use it to talk to me, I need to be comfortable translating the words to letters and vice versa!)

I'm Not a Doormat...Not for Anyone

I don't know what it is lately, but the more I deal with people, the less I want to let anyone into my life that isn't already there. Outside of my family and really close friends, the people on the outskirts of my trust keep making me feel like I really can't let anyone else in. 

I am so sick of half-promises and forgotten words, showing up late (or forgetting to show up), and especially of feeling like I'm not important enough or special enough to deserve common courtesies or acknowledgment. 

I think I do a fairly good job of listening, trying to listen to the views of others, coordinating, showing up, being a good friend, and making sure that people know that I care about them. If I fail at this, I hope someone tells me...I like to be there for the people in my life and I hope they know that I am.

What I don't understand a lot of the time is the flip-side of the coin. So here's the ranting portion of this blog:

Who do you think you are that you can break plans and do whatever you want without contacting me, calling me later, and how can you possibly think that everything will be just fine a few days after you've slighted me?

Do you think I give a damn about all of the crap you buy yourself or the things that you blow me or other friends off to do? Can you not see what a selfish ass it makes you when every concern, conversation, purchase, dinner or movie choice is all about what YOU want? 

Do you even care about my interests or have you assumed what I like, what I need, what I'm into or not into doing? Have you ever taken one second to stop projecting who you want me to be and seen who is standing here?

Should we even be friends? Are we even friends? OR am I just the girl you call when you need someone who wants to do what you want? Are you ever going to follow through when it's something that is important to me? How many times do you think you'll get away with lying and not listening until I get fed up?

Cuz I've got news for you, "buddy", I'm not just someone who only cares about what you want. The first couple times, it's okay, I don't mind trying things and being a friend to someone and getting to know their interests or help them out, BUT I'm my own person and if your only interest is you, don't let the door hit you on the way out. That's not friendship. If there's no give/take on both sides, it's not worth it, at least not to me. 

Frills, Thrills, and Being a "Girl"

I admit it...I freaking love shoes, flowers, and pretty things. I generally promise that I'm purely geeky (let's face it, I just added a lego Tardis to my desk at work along with gnomes and a geek 8 ball), and the things that really make me smile are ridiculous and superfluous. This following rant is brought to you by a comment from a person who will remain unnamed:

Along these lines, I think about people that I know who have small businesses or passions that seem traditionally "female". A good friend of mine sells PartyLite, I sell Mary Kay, and another friend of mine knows more about cloth diapers than anyone I've never met. Are we silly/crazy...no, we're practical females with a hobby we enjoy that happens to be "girly".

When people have poked fun at my wish to coordinate colors and silly obsession with going to a salon or wearing a skirt to feel pretty, I'm happy with that side of myself. I think there's a lot of noise out there suggesting that all women who believe in equal rights somehow want to be thought of differently in the "traditional" female sense. For everyone that has issues with this, let me spell it out for you: People are not the same. Each person has their own likes or dislikes and just as you can't dictate what they like or do not like, you do not get to judge another person based on these things and arbitrarily attach gender to it.

I like some "girly" things...I don't think you need to be a girl to like those things and I don't like that certain activities are cause for ridicule or laughing. Some people like getting their nails done, some people like getting mud under their nails, and some people like both. I can be a frilly geek...I can be whatever I want. If you think I'm going to change based on a comment, I feel sorry for you. You must be insecure enough about something you enjoy that you feel the need to chide me...maybe focus on that.

Tips on Dealing with a Kind Person

It's wonderful when you meet someone sweet, willing and eager to help. It's great to know there are people who give without expecting anything in return, except maybe a thank you or common courtesy.

However, these people are easy to take advantage of. They offer openly with a smile and sometimes that is met with complacency and advantage. So here are a few tips to prevent a nice person from later considering you a non-friend and user.

1. If you eat at the person's house, be respectful.

It isn't likely that he or she wants repayment or food brought to add if you were invited to dinner. You aren't expected to cook or wipe down the kitchen or take out the trash. However, be courteous. Take your own dishes into the kitchen, throw away your trash, and say THANK YOU. If you don't at least display common courteous behavior when someone is doing something nice for you, you're being a jerk.

2. Call during the good times and the bad

If you're only contacting one of your friends when something goes wrong, you're lonely, you need something, or you need to vent, you're using that person. Friendship helps hold us up when we're falling down, but it should also be a sharing of good times, good news, and fun activities. Just because one friend is really helpful when things get rough doesn't mean that you only contact him/her when they are.

3. Ask about your friend's life

If you spend every minute of every conversation talking about your life, how well do you really know your friend? Remember that it's a two-way street. Nice people sometimes don't ask for support when they need it because s/he thinks that it would make him/her a bad friend if s/he needs help sometimes. Make sure that you're displaying that you're wanting a real friendship with a two-way street. If you're comfortable enough, ask on occasion if s/he could use help with something you notice or know that s/he is working on.

These Are My Feet

I feel like I'm a real adult now...I've been offered help recently and turned it down. I've managed to get all of the financial crises under control on my own. In the past, I would borrow here or accept a gift because I really couldn't make it so that my life would run and everything would keep going.

For the first time in my adult life, I feel independent of my family and the friends/significant others apprised of my situation. I'm not running ahead, paying off all of the debt from my marriage and everything else in one bound, but I'm paying the bills, taking care of my family, digging into the debt, and I have finally started to establish a reserve for emergencies.

There's a very calm feeling that I haven't ever had before in regard to finances, like maybe I'm finally starting to get out of the pit, and the fact that I've done it on my own after all I've been through makes me feel very proud.

For a long time, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to set a good example of budgeting and planning for my kids because I'd never had to do it before. I was completely wrong and underestimated myself. Shame on me, I should have known that I'd get here---after all, I am pretty awesome.

They Shouldn't Let Me Have Mtn Dew

In case you're wondering, the name was officially changed from Mountain Dew to Mtn Dew. I am bothered by this, but I was not abbreviating in the title, only commenting on the beverage as accurately as possible.

I was a bit tired this morning and when I got lunch, I ordered a Mtn Dew. I feel very jittery yet still not very awake. I'd forgotten how significantly I'd decreased my caffeine intake in the last couple of weeks.

Today, I'm really missing family...I'm thankful that it's movie night with my kids tonight and this weekend they'll be with me. I'm fond of having time to myself, but generally, like is a lot more fun when they're around (even if my kids have a tendency to like to drive Mom crazy sometimes...).

I'm honestly a bit stir crazy right now...I want to be busier than I am, but if I get too busy, I wouldn't be getting everything done, so I should be thankful for the down time.

I should be, but I'm really not...when I'm working but have no claims to work on, I can only so take much sitting still and checking out reviews of karaoke machines, prices on toddler batman toys, new book reviews and comments, and finding the best deal on a girl's size 7 Easter dress. On the upside, there are a lot of really neat gnome things, geek things, magnetic poetry sets, and cute kids toys/clothes/books on the internet.

Yay Tax Refund...

I was excited today to pay off my property taxes with my tax refund. I can honestly say that ten years ago, I generally would have predicted I would never be excited to pay bills. Yet, the idea of putting money in my children's savings accounts, paying the taxes, and putting something into savings is more important to me than whatever I may have seen myself spending my hard-earned money on.

I don't think I've become more practical. I'm still going to have some fun with the refund. I've been looking at garden gnomes to find the right one for my desk and I hope to find him soon. I want to purchase him and let him sit there, staring at everyone who passes my cubicle. I still enjoy frivolous things, but my focus is definitely more on the things I remember wondering about when my parents would sit and plan budgets. i realize now how important that financial security is and having children and being their primary provider, it's up to me to provide that security.

It's exciting, it's scary, and I feel a lot less stress today than I felt yesterday. Working as hard as I have been finally feels like it's starting to settle out and pay off. Yay for things when they go right!

I may have found him:

Wake Upon a Dream

The past two days have been strange. Although I'm not incredibly sick, I have this half-awake, half-asleep feeling that I can't shake.

In general, my sinuses have pressure, but only enough for a slight buzzing headache behind my ears. My eyes are not having drainage, but they do feel heavy. My chest hurts, but only when I cough. It's not hard to deal with, other that I feel like I'm in a cloud--it's as if this is only a reflection or shadow of life today. I don't note a difference in my reaction time, or even a decrease in my ability to communicate effectively, but I just feel out of phase with my day.

It's almost like deja vu but I know I haven't done the things I'm doing today until now. It's like deja vu but without the weird memory overlap. I know that people have days like this and describe them like going through a cloud. Sometimes I wonder if this is how people feel when they take drugs, and if so, why on earth does anyone take them? I feel like my mind and body are playing tricks on me and I really want to cuddle up and go to sleep?

Will I? Unlikely. As per usual, I have a list of things that must get done :P Sleeping should probably be added to that list, though...

Affirmations

I feel I've actually made a lot of progress on the goals I had set forth for myself on December 30th, 2011

In an ongoing effort to keep my self-talk positive, I wrote down some affirmations. In order to make sure they're easily accessible, I am writing them here. Disclaimer...if you think that I'm full of myself for writing nice things about myself, I don't care and maybe you should do the same for yourself because we often remember the negative far more than the positive we strive for <3

-I am a positive force for change in my community.
-I make new friends easily and I'm fun to be around/with.
-I am confident about my artistic abilities and writing. My friends and family love it when I share my work.
-I am organized and clean. I don't keep or bring things into my home that I do not want or need.
-I eat healthy and plan ahead for my family to be more cost effective and organized.
-I love being active, trying new things, being outdoors, and keeping my body in shape.
-I am beautiful, talented, and I am an amazing mother.
-I don't have anything to apologize for. People love who I am and they see the effort and love in my actions.
-I am smart with my time and only take on what is achievable and reasonable.

Dreaming of an LK-cation

I realized the other day that all of my vacation plans are short, hurried, usually involve children, and are generated depending on what someone else has come up with/what we want to get done/how we want to get it done.

I have not, in my adult life, taken a vacation that was purely mine, where everything I've done was truly to feel regenerated, selfishly, for myself.

I'm not saying that it bothers me that I tend to go to attractions, with people, taking my kids in tow, and generally wearing myself out to have fun and see new things, but as my life is changing, I'm actually considering trying to take a little time for myself--even if it's just a weekend, I may plan an LK-cation. I admire (and occasionally giggle) at the idea of attending a spa, but I think I may actually want to try it.

The wheels are turning...I've worked hard and I'm a bit worn out. I wonder if I can take some time without feeling completely guilty?

My desk needs some help

I just moved to a new cubicle...for the third time within a month, but it seems as though this is where I'll be staying for awhile.

The true travesty of the situation is, if you came to my desk at work, you would have absolutely no idea how geeky I am unless you can see my desktop image:

In the next couple of weeks, I am going to remedy the situation. I just wish I knew where to start...

I'm Refusing to Take Steps Back

I've rethought a lot of ideas I've not examined in the past. When bad things happen, I'd consider my setbacks as failures, I would take them personally, and overall allowed them to be debilitating for my future progress. I've always been good at riding the fine line between a reason and an excuse to stay stuck where I am.

Strangely enough, through no real success of my own, I've stopped. I'm accepting successes and rolling with punches and I am not sure why I'm not letting setbacks freeze me. For the first time in a long time, I just keep chugging forward, and I really wish I knew how I was doing it...