Resolutions?

I know a lot of people who make New Year's resolutions and break them within a week, other people who swear against them because they're ridiculous, and some people who make a really good effort each year to improve something in their lives.

I generally shy away from the idea of resolutions, it's gimmicky, and who really remembers to make drastic change? I think the biggest problem is it's considered an unattainable goal, we set the bar really high so that when we break the resolution, it's over and we simply wait for the next year. 

I honestly have a lot of things in my life that need to change. I need to take better care of myself. I spend a lot of time working and rushing around for the kids, but as much as I wish, it's really not an excuse. In all reality, what good am I to anyone if i'm not taking the time to worry about my health and environment? What kind of message does it send to my kids that mommy doesn't take care of herself because everything else comes first? Not a good one, I'm pretty sure.

It's no secret I want next year to be different.

Before attempting to write resolutions or thinking of writing any, I need to make a list of the things I would like to see change. So here we go:

-I want to be more involved in the community

-I want to work on meeting new people, making new friends, and having productive/fun things to do when the kids are away

-I want to be more confident about my abilities. I don't want to delete stories I start to write, leave paintings unfinished, or be afraid to try new things

-I want my home to be more organized and clean

-I want to get rid of the things I don't need

-I want to only have things in my wardrobe that I like wearing

-I want to have healthier cooking options during the week

-I want to have more money in savings

-I want to feel respected and loved in any friendship or relationship

-I want to feel hopeful about the future no matter what happens

-I want to feel more balanced

-I want to feel good enough to exercise and not feel ashamed if I can't handle some of the activities that my friends can do

-I want to sing more, but not for karaoke--I really don't like the bar scene

-I want to spend more time outside

-I want to do more things that I haven't done before

-I want to feel happy instead of guilty if I reward myself on occasion

-I want to continue playing with the kids when someone comes to visit instead of blushing and feeling silly for goofing around so much

-I want to stop apologizing for the things I don't need to and apologize for the things I do instead of getting defensive

-I want to order new things when I go to restaurants instead of the same thing I've ordered every time I've gone there

-I want to say yes when people offer to help me

-I want to say no when people ask if I need the things they're getting rid of 

-I want to say yes because I want to, not because I feel like I have to

-I want to say no sometimes because it's really okay

So there's a start...just wish I could make a plan. Like many people, I know what's wrong in my life and the things I do that worsens those problems. I wish it was as easy as typing it up and posting it, but I have some serious modifications to try if I'm going to really throw out the old and start with the new.

Well, 2011, I can't say I'll be sorry to see you leave

I went to brunch with my grandma yesterday, I like what she said about this year:

"I'm going to be celebrating because the damn year's over!"

It's been a long, chaotic year, and even though I see struggles ahead, I'm thankful the struggles of 2011 are in the past. A lot of my life was up in the air during the past year, from not knowing what would happen after my VISTA year completed, through the divorce, and finding a job. This has been a year of faulty forms, repetitive nonsense, and clerical errors. I feel like this next year, at least, I know how to expect my life to travel forward.

2011 was a year of big bumps, big changes, and big events. I could really use a more mellow 2012. Hopefully that's not too much to ask!

A deep breath and a smile

I got over myself after yesterday. I hate those moments when everything culminates, making me feel like nothing I can do or feel is going to be better.

I let things get to me that I really should have been able to ignore. My holiday spirit took a beating because I let my guard down around people that didn't appreciate gestures, however; part of me really needs to recognize that the spirit and the reciprocation of a smile are not necessary. It's hard to be happy and giving and thoughtful if you feel like it's something making people angry, but I forgot the original intent.

Another person won't know, ever (at least not for sure), that I genuinely want to improve his/her day. But me wanting to be kind cannot make someone else accept that. I forget sometimes that we all bring our own problems to a very large table, trying to relate. Some people lend themselves to cut off from contact because of pain they've been dealt in the past. Others eagerly accept kindness but shun connection, trying to get anything they can out of anyone without ever hoping to reciprocate or truly feel the warmth that person was expressing. I need to be more mindful of those experiences and hope that one smile or song or pretzel makes one person feel cared for.

It took hearing "Christmas Shoes" and watching Miracle on 34th Street to remind me of that.

Merry Christmas, and if you don't celebrate, I hope you have a lovely 25th of December anyhow. You can't fault a girl for wishing that you'll have a nice day <3

To take the opening line from a new holiday favorite:

Fuck you if you don't like Christmas.

I feel like the past couple of weeks around really hateful people has sent my holiday spirit to intensive care.

I find it really interesting that there's actually a fairly significant number of people who want to have their right to bitch about how much they hate this season, it's over commercialized, it doesn't mean any thing to anyone who supposedly celebrates it anymore, and everyone who likes Christmas is pretending and looking for brownie point, but they also want anyone who likes Christmas to shut the hell up, sit in the corner, and generally go away.

I have news for you, you can't have it both ways. If you get to bitch, I'm allowed to be merry and giving and attempt to sing carols, watching sappy movies, and whatever I decide to do. I'm not asking you to celebrate, trying to covert you, or even demanding a smile back, but what's so wrong in your life that you see a smiling person and you feel like saying, "I fucking hate Christmas, you're such a tool." I didn't insult you, hell at the time I was just wearing a black sweater and a green scarf. I was smiling--I didn't even say anything, why was your first assumption that I was "Christmas-y"?

I guess I don't mind the assumption, but the whole Grinch/Scrooge thing is way overplayed. How about you just ignore Christmas and the people that celebrate it instead of berating me with your negative, my life sucks, I hate Christmas attitude. I'd love to meet someone during the non-holiday season who exudes happiness and has a loving, giving outlook on life outside of Christmastime. Too much to ask, probably...people are too pissed off and disconnected in general.

(In case you haven't realized by now, this is a rant...)

On top of assholes just seeming to go out of their way to try to ruin my day (sometimes successful, most times not), I've had a lot to deal with this season that I really just want to ignore. The kinds of surprises you don't need, strange money that needs to be spent for emergencies when I'm barely on my feet. Friends who forget something important or say something cruel from their own stresses has also been more predominant than usual.

I have one anchor, my kids, and I'm trying to stay positive and excited, but I could honestly use one more week before Christmas without the million deadlines I feel like I have to meet. I just want  to sit with my family, sing a few carols, and snuggle with the children while we watch holiday movies. This season is so magic for them...a time when miracles and hope are possible, and the world has lost too much of its magic and hope. How do you keep that spirit alive in the land of cynics?

Thoughts to Live By

I thought this was an inspiring list of thoughts in memory of a woman that lost a battle with cancer.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.


I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains..
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's.'
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.look at it and really see it . Live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Of Error & Trial (after error & trial after error & trial)

I think at one point in my past, I created great difficulty for someone in the data entry world. I must have caused a catastrophic error that has led to my comedy of errors (or tragedy as I very well know that eventually we all take the dirt nap).

In this case, I unknowingly had to have drop-kicked computer karma and thus created my crazy struggle with correcting data entry errors residing in files regarding my life until the end of time (or maybe just the middle of 2012...that remains to be seen).

Why am I ranting? Because it's quieter than laughing and much more convenient than crying.

No not all of the errors create supreme difficulty followed by hours on the phone listening to broken elevator music while I begrudgingly get hung up on three times before actually getting a hold of s human that has a 30% chance of being able to correct the error. Most do, but on rare occasion, I receive someone else's good news.

Today, for example, there was a message waiting in my work e-mail box congratulating me on my $500 bonus and promotion...in Pittsburg. The e-mail must have been intended for another Laura Hart who was in  a completely different office/ program, but what I found most amusing was they had everything wrong because I even received the e-mail meeting invitation for the fancy dinner party for new management assistants. I did have to take the time to make sure the proper people were notified so that the real Laura Hart might receive her congrats and good news. Granted, I wish I could have that bonus, but today's error was more comedic than tragic.

Anyone that has known me long enough knows that from birthdays to digits in prices entered into a computer to random errors in identification and billing have made my life and relationship with customer service representatives a little strained. Usually I make them laugh, and no one gets angry, but I swear, I never want to hear waiting music on the phone again.  (We all know I spend  and will likely continue to spend my lunch periods listening to it...)

I know I shouldn't listen to the conversations of others, but...

I couldn't resist today.

Really their conversation isn't quite as morbid as the conclusions I eventually drew, but there I was, getting a cup of black coffee to drench my stretched soul in, and I hear, "Well I really think we should take Facebook out of the mix. You have to determine how long it would take someone to notice without an obvious tagged post of Facebook."

My attention was immediately drawn. At first I'm thinking it has to do with relationship status, changing a hair cut, or something simple. Then, one of them says, "I honestly don't think any of my facebook friends would think about it unless my family posted something. I never talk to them."

At this point, I'm lingering at the door, pretending to drink my coffee (trust me, I couldn't actually drink it, it was too hot) when another says, "Who really cares anyway? I mean if you're dead, what are you going to do, come back and haunt them for not noticing?"

Wait? Double-take...I had to hold my tongue from asking for a repetition. I was sincerely regretful that I didn't have some microwaveable lunch full of preservatives to take into the lunch room and pop in while I listened.

So I stood in the kitchen, learning against the counter until I actually could take a sip of my coffee. They talked about how a real friend might know within a week, an acquaintance would know once the funeral was announced or after the funeral, and anyone that wouldn't wasn't probably actually a friend. Between discussing death and levels of friendship, most of them lost time and the conversation ended as their lunch breaks had been over for a few minutes. At that point, I went back to my desk. It's a interesting thing, pondering the strength or validity of a friendship based on the amount of time it would take someone to notice your death.

I can't figure out if I give some people too much credit or others too little, but I am fairly certain that many of the people that knew me when I was younger and that I barely talk to would probably know faster and have a more sincere reaction than people I see more frequently and have talked to recently. I developed better connections in my youth---most of the people I'm friends with now don't notice if I'm absent at general events so how long would it really take everyone in my facebook friends to know I'd passed if no post was made to facebook?

I think I have to come to the conclusion that some people would never really know. I think we clutter our lives with people we know, but that don't really know us and don't realy allow us to know them. I can even say that there are some people that I enjoy spending time with that I rarely have contact with outside of venues. I don't know favorite activities or foods, let alone what is going on in their lives on a daily basis.

It's much different than the question of people being sad or missing someone who is gone because in that category, there are always people that would miss a loved one or a friend, but wondering if you died in some way...how long would it take someone to notice? It goes along the questions people ask like how long would it take someone to find me if I passed out in the bathtub and died? You hear stories about people not found for weeks...I will never be one of those people. I hope I don't know anyone who thinks he or she will be.


In all likelihood, when I die, there will be a great disturbance in the force and all that care about me will know :P

Not that I'm completely loveable and awesome, or anything...

The Occupy Movement

I get it, you're activists, and you've found a two-bit cause based on information that has been around for years. It's funny, when I was in high school, it wasn't a secret that 1% of the population held the wealth. It was no secret that 'normal' citizens all accepted that, moved on, said things like "well those people donate to charities". I was always skeptical of this. I didn't think that top 1% did enough and people said it didn't matter, the economy was booming and we were a wealthy country.

Now the economy is different. We haughtily stood by, proud, allowing for corporate interests to stand inside the foundation. Again, we're aware of the inequality, but the tactics being taken are ridiculous and in some cases irresponsible.

A lot more people are struggling now, looking for jobs, hoping for better, and the best idea people have is to occupy an area to make Wall Street aware of the fact we're upset? Newsflash. They've known it a long time and aren't likely to care anytime soon.

I see pictures of parents giving up a job search to "occupy". I don't respect them. Some political protest is not a good reason to turn on responsibility and give up fighting. All they're doing is allowing for whatever available jobs coming up to go to someone else, and with the guidelines for food stamps or other assistance received, I'm pretty sure being a part of the occupy movement does not count toward the community service and job search requirements to receive those benefits.

When you're single and don't have someone depending on you, you can choose to ideally sit somewhere thinking it will make a difference when you get arrested for sleeping in the park or staying past your permit. But what are you really asking for?

I see a bunch of sad, angry people reacting to a situation way too late. I see hope for a movement that has no strength because it's only fact is a statistic that has been present. It's not as if anyone was truly aware of the distance between the 1% and the 99%.

Tell me when you truly believe in something and have a plan to change it. I've never had much sympathy for people that are willing to complain to get other people to complain with them.

Am I part of the 99%? No shit. Of course I am, but I have kids to take care of. I do not sit idly by, I work and work trying to do the best I can.

You want to make a difference? Stop buying products from large corporations. Buy local. Talk to your neighbors. Develop your community. The people in those buildings aren't going to do anything for you--that's not where any kind of difference can be made. It's not your protest that speaks but what you choose to do with your dollars. In this consumer economy, our spending power and our voting power are often not very far removed.

Puzzle Pieces

It's another Saturday night, but I can't see the moon, and I'm certainly not headed over to the twist & shout. Honestly, I wish that I was. It's interesting how when things started working out for me professionally, the people that had been standing by me seemed to flake out, become distant, and withdraw support.

Maybe I'm the only one that sees it that way, but I've worked really hard this week. I have a paycheck and two children who had a great time with me today to show it, but my world is shrinking again.

A few people I trusted have really hurt me this week. I would say that cutting and running was a wise decision, and it probably was, but there's an empty space there for me. I don't know whether it's great that I've learned to break cycles of abuse or worse that I've learned how to cope with breaking my own heart.

I try to tell myself that I'm not afraid to be alone, that single people are happier, and I don't need anything else in my life, but I know that I crave interaction. I don't have close enough friends who want to come by often enough that it still seems we're friends. I don't tell the friends I seem to have how much it hurts when they ditch out on me. For a girl that rearranges my life to make it to the events for the people I care about, I can honestly say the favor is rarely returned.

I know that people don't mean to sleight me. I think they generally care about my well being and want my life to be full of good things. I'm not sure that outside of family and two very caring individuals who do show up for me, I have any real friends, just a pool of acquaintances that I enjoy spending time with.

Work this week hasn't made it easier--I feel nervous as the new girl, trying to fit a bit, be fun, and ultimately mostly ignored. I totally get it, it takes time to get to know people, but that doesn't change that despite my financial and family situation improving, I feel very alone.

There is something strange about this loneliness, however; I used to judge my life when I felt like this. The world seemed to be ending and I was worthless--I don't feel like that now. I don't mind working on art alone at night watching the television because I'm hoping it's temporary. I send out a few texts to attempt to stay connected. I fall asleep fine. My world's not ending. It's just not complete. I feel like a puzzle missing a few pieces. I find myself wondering if I'll ever have all of the pieces, complete in the puzzle, at the same time. I hope so.

Good Things Abound

I can't complain today. It's starting to feel like more things are going right than have in a long time.

I received a full-time job offer, was offered some additional part-time tutoring, and I have three pieces in an art show at Wild Boar Coffee in Fort Collins.

I think last week, those were all things I wasn't sure about. I'd had an interview, but no job offer. I had the show booked, but I was afraid it wouldn't happen. I hadn't received a tutoring client since I'd tried to get back into two months ago.

I tried to stay positive, upbeat, but I know that my cynic side was coming out a bit.

Today, I can be thankful and happy. I'm not going to jinx it, but this could be the fresh start and great day I've been hoping for.

My Trick is Working

In the last few months, it's been my personal goal to stay positive, attempt to see more good than bad, believe in people, and expect good things.

Some people have called this idealistic, daft, and a little crazy. I can respect that. All in all, a single mother looking for work in this economy should be a little concerned, maybe even a little pessimistic (or what many I know call 'realistic').

I'm not saying I don't see the big picture, I do, but I can honestly say that hoping for good things has helped me far more than brooding over all that's wrong with the world.

Today, in particular, was an extraordinary day. Not because I felt like I had less to worry about or really had a major problem solved, in fact I had to quit the only job I had today due to the fact that childcare costs are higher than my wage.

How could this day be so amazing? A few things, really. Today I received a gift from a woman from church who knew that my budget was tight. This gift is enough to cover the things my daughter needs to play soccer and to be in girl scouts. I didn't ask for anything, yet she was moved to give me something that I received on a day that I was making a decision for my little girl. It's not a job, it doesn't change our financial situation long term, but it does change things for a sweet little girl that wants to be involved in things. Moments like that remind me how important it is to keep up with those pay it forward moments. Most people are good.

We let ourselves get bogged down by negativity and media and long, hard days at work. I remember moments like that to stay upbeat, paying it forward whenever I can, and sometimes smiling even when I think I can't.

My life isn't roses, it's hard, but right now a lot of people are struggling. The miracles come in when we work together. 

I'm a What?

The last couple of days have been on the brink of comical. While one person cursed me out for being a "happy-go-lucky bitch", I've also been called "the girl who should be manager", "God's blessing for those in need of a smile", and an "uninformed twat".

Obviously I work in retail and know a lot of people that would rather be pessimists (or realists) than attempt to see the brighter things. I also know many people appreciative of my desire to start conversations with a smile and end with "have a lovely day".

It's clear that you can't please everyone, but honestly, I've gotten to a point I'm not even going to try. Being myself is good enough, even if it makes me a management material, happy-go-lucky, uniformed bitch of a twat sent as a blesssing. ROFL

A Combination of Six People

I was reading a theory that a person's core personality is made up of the six people s/he spends the most time with. This made me think who are the six people I spend the most time with?

I am pretty sure it's my patient, goofy two-year-old son, my impatient, vocal six-year-old daughter, my sarcastic but sweet grandmother, my dear curly-haired engineer, my slightly obsessive but fun mother, and my crazy musically-inclined freak show running amigo.

If I break this down, I'm patient and impatient, goofy but picky and serious, science-oriented, slightly aloof with a touch of sarcasm, music, freakishness, and a definite need to have things a particular order. Hmm...I sound like quite the difficult person to handle. Who are your six?

Some Things You Can't Unsay, Unthink, Undo

Some people need to learn that actions can't be undone, but at the same time, when a person has really screwed up, why isn't there a drive to be a better person, to make sure it never happens again?

Is it easier to hurt someone after you've already done so? Easier to hurt others after that?

I feel kind of lost when it comes to figuring out how much trust a person in my life deserves. I try not to be jaded, I should be able to depend on someone when they say they'll be there, but I keep getting proved wrong.

I want to be a horseback riding mermaid

These statements are those of children. An adult may think, you can't ride horses and be a mermaid, those a mutually exclusive. A child knows that mermaids are only mermaids when they are wet so as long as you aren't soaked with water while riding horses, they are inclusive and possible.

Children see things in a way we can't even begin to expect as adults, even adults that see things creatively. Some days, I wish that I could gain that perspective back. Kids bounce back faster from bad news and a more colorful world can't be a bad thing.

Weddings and Other Nonsense

I've had a few friends get married this summer and we weren't really close, so when they were saying they couldn't invite everyone, I simply stated that I was fine with not getting an invitation.  I felt like taking the stress off was a nice thing I could do. Also, we weren't really close so I didn't think I necessarily merited an invite.

So every freaking day after these weddings other common friends ask me why I wasn't there. "I thought you would be there..." etc.

I don't want to be mean, but seriously, I wasn't invited so obviously I wouldn't be there, and really, it didn't bother me that I wasn't invited until people start bringing it up.

Should I have been there? No, I wasn't invited. Would I have gone if I had been? Of course, I love my friends and I love spending moments with them that are beautiful. I am happy for my friends that got married this summer, and yes, I still consider them friends. Seeing how people react makes me wonder why everyone doesn't just elope? Other people make speical events so much more complicated than they need to be!

Your silhouette remained in my subconscious

stupid remarks cataloged by pop-culture reference number
driving me mad as I pushed and pulled you
wondering if I was uptight, if you were inappropriate,
if love was even part of an answer either of us understood

eventually you were gone, I often miss you
sometimes I watch the things you liked just to understand
all of the reasons that we didn't belong together
or maybe those were the reasons that we did

who knows, maybe I would be happier
sometimes I don't give things half the chance they deserve
the only question is, can I gain what I lost
or am I really supposed to be looking for something else?

Day 30: A letter to yourself.

Well LK, 30 days of "truth" prompts and what have we learned? You are an amazing girl that takes life in stride and sometimes feel like you can handle it all while other times feel like you can handle nothing at all. You encourage, doubt, express, and press yourself. You want better and you're willing to work for it as long as it's the best option for everyone, not a selfish choice for yourself. Honestly, sometimes you focus way too much on what others think or may thing or may have thought instead of trusting yourself enough to know that you deserve respect because your decisions are yours and they are mostly good ones. You've learned from your mistakes and you carry a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. Don't get discouraged. Everything really does turn out, even if it's not in the way you expect it to. Love, Me

Day 29: Something I hope to change about myself & why

The biggest change I need to make is the way I care for myself. I don't eat as often as I should, sleep as much as I need to, laugh as frequently as I want to, or focus on nurturing my creative side nearly enough. i put all of my concerns last. I think about the kids, my family, my friends, and my job, and just conveniently ignore the things I should have high on my priority list. I think it's going to be a journey to feel like I can take time without feeling guilty, but it's surely something that needs to happen.

Day 28: What if I was pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

If I got someone pregnant, I would call a lot of doctors and scientists. That would be incredibly awkward, amazingly interesting, or just outright quirky.

I've already been pregnant twice and I have two lovely children. I consider it a blessing and I love my kids.

I guess this question seems kind of moot to me, I had my kids and I've health problems that make it unlikely that I'd have another.

Make Life Amazing

Why is it that even the times we're not really risking anything, spontaneity and silliness seem to be out of line with 'what we should do'? For me, ladies and gentleman, I'm done with it.

This week, I've done some interesting things. I stopped off on a road at a random fire station to see what was going on because I saw Smokey the Bear and got excited.

I ate at a restaurant because I saw it on the top of the hill and figured, why not?

I took a box of paints and made a finger-painting of a rainbow eye because I felt like being crafty. (I'm now going to collage on top of it as an experiment.)

You know what? My flash-thought actions haven't taken my life and turned it upside down or even affected anything important except my smile. I feel better when I take a moment and do something with it.

As a child, you don't think about what's worth your time, you act accordingly to how you're feeling and it's okay. Granted, I need to make time for things I have obligations to do, but why not have a five minute conversation with a bag lady in the supermarket or drink coffee from a divey looking coffee shop instead of that predictable Starbucks on the corner? Why don't we add random events more often when adulthood sets in? Are we too "grown up" for it?

Well, in any case, I'm done. I'm happier when I try new things and go with it sometimes. I don't need a life change, my life is dynamic and it's always part of the change. Being happy is being myself, if you can handle that, you're welcome for the ride. If you're not, well, kindly get out of the way :)

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for me right now?

I am.

There is no measure greater than the strengths of my personality, my will to overcome, my perseverance. I am the ultimate force in my life that creates the positive, the negative, the laughs, the connections.

I am a good person with a good heart.

I am a thoughtful person with amazing intelligence.

I am a dynamic person in a world full of possibility and change.

I am truly amazing and if I use the potential I have, the humor I enjoy, the creativity I unleash, everything in my life is going to be extraordinary.

The challenge against the best thing going for me right now is also me--that self doubt, thinking that the world isn't working out, and ignoring my creative impulse, that's what destroys dreams. I have everything I need to make anything possible. I am the best thing and the worst thing in my life. What I need to do is focus on being the best thing. The negativity can rot on its own--it's not something I need.

Day 26: Have I ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I've dealt with the kind of struggles that made me wonder why my brain was still driving on, the kinds of days where I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, and there were some very dark thoughts and less than kosher actions in my past.

I think it's really important for people, especially going through major life changes, dealing with puberty, and those with the possibility for postpartum or seasonal depression, to focus on making sure that emotional struggles are not dealt with alone.

There are times when I felt like I couldn't ask for help and it felt like I was drowning. I'd drag myself down and sometimes I wasn't sure I was ever going to be happy again. I get really scared when I think about how many people struggle and how taboo it has been to admit that something is wrong. The fact is, all people have bad days, things happen we can't control, and it's okay to seek help. I'm hoping that the more open the conversation becomes, the more acceptable asking for help will be.

If by chance you're reading this and you're feeling like you have no one to talk to, no way to fix whatever is happening, please, if you know me, you can always talk to me, and there are numerous resources at your disposal. The most important are the suicide hotlines which can be found at  http://suicidehotlines.com/, the national hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) is a great resource. You're never alone. Never give up, never surrender <3

Day 25: The reason I believe I'm still alive today.

There are many physical factors leading me to believe that I am alive today. Breath is entering and leaving my lungs, my eyes are open, my brain is firing, and I require food, drink, sleep, and use of a restroom.

All kidding aside, I have two beautiful children, great family and friends, and a ton of things I still want to accomplish. Being alive is a blessing and I don't feel like questioning why, I just want to appreciate the miracle :)

Day 24: A playlist to my mommy and why I chose all the songs.

(I've linked youtube videos for each of the songs, so if you haven't heard one, go for it by clicking on the song artist - title)

Regina Spektor - The Call

For me, this song is about the hope that bloomed into my adoption, and calling is how we keep in touch and are always there for each other. There are no real "goodbyes" in family, just degrees of physical separation. I also feel that there's a cyclical representation in the song about how life resonates. My mom doesn't have me as her baby girl but she's there now for my baby girl. I guess the feeling of the song is so loving and resonant with our close family values that I just always think about her when I hear it.

N Sync - Bye Bye Bye

When I was in high school and we went to church camp, my mom and a few other moms dressed up like N Sync members and danced while lip synching this song. I have never laughed harder in my life. It's just one of many times my mom proved how incredibly awesome she is.

Silence - Delerium feat Sarah Machlachlan

This song has been very powerful for me. I first heard it when I watched the movie Brokedown Palace and I sang it constantly. I feel like this is one of the songs I sang and I could always tell how beautiful my mom thought my voice was and how proud she was of me. It's also such a lyrically beautiful song that puts me at peace. I feel like in a way it still represents me, a conflict between emotional struggle and hope.

Eminem - Lose Yourself

I remember when my mom bought the first Eminem CD. We listened to it in the car. It's the first time I really listened to rap or hip hop of any kid (save the Beastie Boys). This is the song that peaked our interest on the radio and it's another one that I just think about her while I "lose myself in the music".

Matt Morrison feat Gwyneth Paltrow - Somewhere Over the Rainbow

If it's related to the Wizard of Oz, it makes me think of my mom. This particular version I came across and it just makes me think of watching the Wizard of Oz eating popcorn. My mom always smiles when she watches that movie--it's her very favorite. "The dreams that you dare to dream really do come true."

AC/DC - For Those About to Rock

I didn't really listen to AC/DC until my mom and I were looking at her records. I knew one song belonged in the list. This is probably my favorite along with Highway to Hell.

Carole King - Tapestry

I'd pretty much add anything off the album "Tapestry" for this playlist. The lyrics of this particular song are so rich and paint a picture as a tapestry is woven--I think it's poetic qualities really speak to as why it was the title track for the album. If you don't know a lot of Carole King, she's worth listening to. My mom's love of her made her one of my favorites for singing songs for karaoke. "Smackwater Jack" is the funniest, "I Feel the Earth Move" is the best to dance to, "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" is a great duet, and "It's too Late" is the song I love and sing too little.

Fleetwood Mac - Dreams

Fleetwood Mac is another band that pretty much anything would work for this playlist. Dreams is a great song because "thunder only happens when it's raining". We listened and sang along all of the time. It was a good time.

Day 23: Something I wish I had done in my life

I really wish I had made a trip to Europe by now. I also wish I'd gone to a nerdy convention, ridden the roller coaster in Vegas, and probably a million other things. This is an odd question though--I have a lot of life ahead of me so I'm not that worried about eventually doing the things I really want to.

Day 22: Something I wish I hadn’t done in my life

When I was in sixth grade, I was in an advanced math class. When I asked the 8th grade teacher for help with a concept, she told me I didn't belong in the class. Being stubborn, I asked my mom to take me out of the class and I convinced myself that I was terrible at math (and consequently science). It took me years to really feel like trying in either. If I didn't get it without thinking, I didn't want to deal with it.

I later found that I really liked both math and science. With more effort, I think I could have gone a lot farther in both and I probably psyched myself out of some pretty awesome career options. I know it's not too late so I could remedy the situation. Who knows, the future is full of possibility.

Half an Inch Off

I get frustrated sometimes, the kind of disgruntled that leaves me feeling sick to my stomach, a square peg shoved partially into the wrong hole and painted the wrong color. I stick out like a sore thumb or I'm completely invisible. I really wish I could find a balance between the two.

The last couple weeks have been hard. I've had to brush things off that really bother me. I know people like me well enough, but most of my friendships aren't overly strong. I don't get invited to the big events, I don't get considered when someone is sitting at home wondering who to hang out with--I'm just that girl seen in that place with those other people.

Now I used to get this feeling but I wasn't making as much of an effort to get to know people. Now I try, but the result seems the same. I only fit in some places, but friends don't generally think of me otherwise. I don't know if it's the immediacy of the culture or that people are happy enough with their groups of current friends that adding another person just isn't in the cards.

I'm not really meaning to complain, just contemplating. Too many things in the past couple weeks I would have liked to be a part of. I get invited to the events to support a cause or remember a lost friend, but not to the celebrations. Hopefully that will change with time.

Day 21: My best friend is in a car accident and the two of us got into a fight an hour before. What do I do?

I rush to the hospital to be present for my friend. I don't think a disagreement is a good reason not to be there for someone. I've been left alone in a hospital alone before--I can honestly say that few experiences are worse than that and I would never do it to someone I called a friend. I would even show up for an old friend that I hadn't been speaking to for over a year because of a disagreement. Being there when it really matters is the measure of a good friend.

Day 20: My views on drugs and alcohol

Honestly, I like the idea of taxing most drugs so that they pay for the addictions and could be more regulated. One exception to this, however, is meth--that stuff should simply not exist. It's nasty stuff.

I don't have particularly strong views on drugs or alcohol in regard to right/wrong, but people need to be responsible. Other people should never get abused, hurt, or killed based on another person's decision to use drugs or alcohol.

I don't like how people make a decision and don't stay safe. People that become violent on a particular substance shouldn't use it. I just don't understand why people can't stay out of a driver's seat, away from weapons, and keep it fun.

Day 19: What do I think of religion?

re·li·gion (according to Google's Dictionary)

noun /riˈlijən/ 
religions, plural

The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods
• - ideas about the relationship between science and religion
Details of belief as taught or discussed
• - when the school first opened they taught only religion, Italian, and mathematics
A particular system of faith and worship
• - the world's great religions
A pursuit or interest to which someone ascribes supreme importance
• - consumerism is the new religion

I think, as with most things, I generally like or approve of practices that don't go too far, interrupting another person's life in the pursuit.

It's important people have value systems, beliefs, or general codes by which they like to live and I should have no part in telling a person what to think, believe, or otherwise practice unless it interferes directly with the quality of life for another person.

I do believe in a version of God. I also attend some services--I love choral music and singing in church. I generally have no qualms with people where I go to church, but I avoid biblical discussion. I think a lot of people that participate in organized religion are good people and others or not. It's more or less the same with any other group--you have a mix of people, and most people, deep down, I believe are good. I don't, however, believe that people who are not participating in a religion are any different from any other group. I just think it's a personal choice, as simple as enjoying arts and crafts or as strange as choosing to be vegetarian.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage

I believe that all couples getting married should be happy when they do so :)

Day 17: A book I’ve read that changed your views on something

Well Twilight completely changed my outlook in life about how I view pop culture. There was a time when I believed the most popular books were the best ones out there--I now know I need to search thoroughly for books worth reading and that most people do not care about consistent storyline, ripped off ideas, grammatical corrections, and other nonsense.

Day 16: Someone or something I definitely could live without

Haha...well, I could definitely live without the things that waste my time like people with clipboards, political phone calls, advertisements, and door-to-door salespeople (except kids...kids are allowed to sell popcorn, candy, cookies, and waste my time).

I could live without people that spread rumors and take other people's problems so seriously that they take sides and every confrontation has to be us vs. them. I guess I could do without immaturity and hearing things second-hand about people that shouldn't be talked about.

I could also do without clowns...entirely. I would not be sad if they all vanished.

Lastly, I could do without the kind of men that think it's appropriate to message people looking for naked intimate relations with girls they don't know and think that sluts and hos are proper terms to use for a woman--the world might be a better place if the creepers disappeared. 

Day 15: Something or someone I couldn’t live without

Well I've already said that I can't live without music. That said, the people I couldn't live without...family. I'm not only talking about the conventional mother/father, brother/sister, daughter/son family--I'm talking about the people that have reached into my heart and become my family because I love them.

Honestly, I recently got a lot closer to friend of mine that crossed into where I felt he was a part of my family and I do feel as if I'm at risk for losing him. It's hard to know that decisions made can't be taken back and sometimes nothing you say will make a difference. How do you get someone you care about to take care of himself? It's impossible to motivate another person, but if I could, I would selfishly do whatever it took to keep him as a part of my life.

Day 14: A hero that has let me down

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten me through some tough days.

Oh wow...this one is hard. Music gets me through everything. There are so many. In high school, Avril Lavigne, the Beatles, Shania Twain, George Strait, Delerium, Matchbox 20, the Barenaked Ladies, and Eve 6 got me through everything. But now? I mean it's more single songs that really get me when I'm feeling a certain way.

Music has a way of reaching into my deepest feelings and connect with something happening in my life. Living is a soundtrack. The songs that have been the most meaningful for me lately are:

"Jar of Hearts" - Christina Perry
"One Life to Love" - 33 Miles
"A Little Bit Stronger" - Sara Evans 
"Raise Your Glass" - Pink
"Believe" - Staind
"Invisible" - Skylar Grey
"Leveller" - Plasmacrash
"Second Chance" - Shinedown
"The Best Thing" - Relient K
"This Little Light of Mine" - LZ7
"Hate to Break it to Ya" - Musuji
"Through the Glass" - Stone Sour
"Paper Angels" - Panzer Ag
"Secrets" - One Republic
"I'm Letting Go" - Francesca Battistelli
"Joy" - VNV Nation
"I Could Just Kill a Man" - Charlotte Sometimes
"King of Anything" - Sara Barielles
"Jawbreaker" - Ascii Disko
"You Belong With Me" - Taylor Swift
"Firefly" - Sister Hazel
"Silence" - Delerium feat. Sarah Maclachlan
"Mixtape" - Butch Walker
"Undisclosed Desires" - Muse
"Sweet Dreams" - Marilyn Manson or Eurythmics
"Consider Me Gone" - Reba McEntire
"Mr. Crowley" - Ozzy Osbourne
"Sex, Drogen, Und Industrial" - Combichrist

I guess music is just too central for me to pick a band or a song. I feel like music sort of interacts with my life. It's never been a single band, artist, song, or genre...it's a combination of styles and lyrics that just speak to me. They help me to feel angry, sad, or lonely when I need to, but songs can also uplift my spirits, make me laugh, and play along.

Day 12: Something I never get compliments on

I have never been complimented on fingernails or toenails that I have painted myself. Not to say that I should be complimented...I do a pretty terrible job :)

I'm guessing this is supposed to be something I think is positive but that I never get complimented on...I actually have pretty awesome friends and family that compliment me, so there are not a lot of things I do well that at least one person has not noticed.

On my body, I can't think of a time anyone complimented my calves or ankles.

I don't often get complimented on my choice of blush (on myself) in terms of make-up.

I also never get compliments on my handwriting...even when I'm trying really hard. I've recently discovered that this may be due to the fact a lot of people cannot read cursive.

Also, other than karaoke on very rare occasion, my singing voice no longer receives compliments. I love to sing, but I do feel that I lack the ability to really share it anymore. Nothing feels quite right.

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment me the most on

The thing people compliment me most on physically are my eyes. They've been called, deep, intuitive, beautiful, gorgeous, intuitive, mesmerizing, and lovely.

The thing people compliment me most on in the kitchen are baked goods--I'm very good at making cookies, cakes, and brownies.

In terms of my creative abilities, my poetry and collages have received the most compliments along with short pieces I've written. I think I'm fairly proficient at pulling emotion into my pieces.

Day 10: Someone I need to let go, or wish I didn’t know

I have trouble with the "wish I didn't know" part so I'm going to stick with someone I need to let go. My dreams keep bringing dead friends and family to life. When I wake up and I know they're gone, the pain just festers and poisons my days. I wish that my subconscious would let them go so that things would be easier. I don't process death well and it's kind of taken center stage in life this year. The hardest have been the young people that seem to die without reason--I don't think I can stomach more "accidents" and unfortunate circumstances. I'd rather get to focus purely on weddings or babies or friends happy in relationships and conquering the world. I do have friends making significant strides in life, it's just I wish there were more positive things than negative. Negative has definitely been playing to win and those events and the people that ended up in them are those I need to let go of. It's not that I didn't love them and am not sad, it's just I'm still living and I need to keep my positive outlook in check.

Day 9: Someone I didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

The first person that comes to mind is Ranny. After she moved back to GA, we talked a few times, but we really haven't kept in touch the way I expected we would. We toyed with the idea that she'd come to visit, but we both got busy and nothing ever came of it. I think of her often, but never when I'm on the computer or have the time to pick up the phone and call. (I mean, she could have changed her number and I wouldn't know, that's how bad of a friend I've been.) I guess I should contact her :)

Day 8: Someone who made my life hell and treated me like crap

People who know me well know who this is. Let's just say I worked my butt off to help, did a lot of extra work, was communicative, open, helpful, and always tried to move forward. My efforts were met by him taking credit for my work, telling others that I was worthless and unreliable, and alienation from other people. It was a very off-putting experience I am happy to be done with. I think I used to let it slide when I was taken advantage of, but I don't deserve it and I'm definitely not willing to stand for it.

If someone wants my best and wants something done right, I'll always be there as long as I'm treated with dignity and respect.

Day 7: Someone who has made my life worth living for

Well the obvious answer is my children, my family, and the people that make my life meaningful. I recently reread the book the five people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom and I was trying to figure out who I would choose to see when s/he died because of the impact it had on my life.

I think the first would be Bubba. That's not him real name, it is the name of every person, we are all bubbas. He took my inspired love of people and of helping and molded it into something beautiful. It's easy to lose the drive to do something nice for another person. Let's face it, people can be callous and cruel because the competition of life ages the soul. We forget those moment where a helping hand or a smile from a stranger changed our day. Bubba inspired me to be that stranger. He taught me what it really meant to help others and how although it was nice to be recognized or to have the favor returned in the future, it was not the reason I should be a good person. I should be a good person because everything in the world is connected and I'm a part of that. I think the most important thing he taught me was about peace. No matter what two people face each other, the bubba, the god, the soul, the peace in me can recognize the same in the other. Our ability to connect is based on our willingness to open up to another person, and that makes life worth living.

The second would be Mrs. Robin. She worked in my elementary school library. I loved her so much, I continued volunteering at that library through high school. Being around her was almost magic, like we were always part of an amazing story. I never stopped loving reading and writing because being around her reminded me how horrible it would be to live without that energy and creativity. I often think of her wen i sit down to work on something. She was one of those people that seemed to know everything and exuded positive energy and luck from her being. She was my greatest friend, mentor, and ally, depending on what I needed that day. In the process of fostering me, she weaved in work ethic and positive reinforcement while building my spirit. I think I have a lot to thank her for that I haven't fully realized even now.

The third would be a boy I loved in high school, then hated while loving, then wrote off, then forgave, and now am friends with. Our relationship/friendship has taught me more about my ability to learn and grow than anyone I've ever known. He was a guy who burned like fire, passion and aggression, love and compassion, and that's what I both loved and hated about him. I always thought about him, wondering if he was all right because our good terms and bad terms and crazy drama created this vortex of connectivity. The closer we were, the further we drained one another. He's one of those people I will always love but am thankful I'm not with. The amount we've both grown and how easy it is to be friends now reminds me that I have to trust myself with my decisions. No decision will bring about the end of all that is good in my life. In fact, the harder things get, the better I can hope for. Life is worth living because one of the worst choices in my life has created a world of possibilities in turn giving me a friend to turn to.

The last two are more recent and connected. I barely get to speak to him anymore, but my life changed for the better in a large part to a friend that did everything he could to be the best friend possible to me when I needed him the most. He introduced me to new music, new places, new friends, and let me get away from the world for awhile when I needed to. He gave me a taste of what life could be if I started standing up for myself, taking a few risks, and stopped believing the negative. The impact our conversations and the time I had to write have had on my life are immeasurable. He showed me how I could be the person to change my life and make it worth living. That's the last person. Ultimately, it is up to me to fill my life with events, people, places, and the decisions I make should be to make my life worth loving to live for.

Day 6: Something I hope I never have to do

Only one things tugs at my heart here--I never ever ever ever ever want to have to bury one of my children. The idea that I would be alive at the death of my son or daughter is my greatest fear and the one thing I would do anything to keep from happening. I think it's one of those things that no one ever wants to do for any reason.

Day 5: Something I hope to do in my life

There are so many things I hope to do, especially in regard to travel and writing, learning and exploring, but I hope that all of the things I do reflect who I want to be. I think if I could plan one thing, it would be to give my children the same kinds of opportunities that I had. I want them to experience the road trips, exposure to new places, theater, and the availability of the arts or sports they want to do. My childhood was so blessed and if I have any way to provide even a scrap of that in their lives, I think I'll really have accomplished something. Aside from making sure we get to a Disney park, I really want to make sure that we visit Yellowstone and other national parks like I did when I was a kid.

Day 4: Something I have to forgive someone for

It's really hard to be honest with this one. Over time, there are so many people that I internally blamed for so many things, and really I don't logically believe that those I've blamed deserved it. Really, I don't think anyone knows what I've blamed him/her for at one time or another. It's hard to admit making a bad decision, whether or not it was influenced by someone else. Influence doesn't equal responsibility but it's so easy to make that jump.

Really I have a lot of people I need to forgive, but it's not the kind of forgiveness that needs to be given face to face or even explained because I am terrible at expressing when I'm angry with someone. (Well, I have been. I think I'm becoming increasingly more communicative and I'm sure that's both a good and bad thing.)

The biggest forgiveness I need isn't someone cliche, it's not my parents, my ex, or my children. The person I need to forgive deep down is my friend MD. He was my best friend in fourth grade and when he moved, my life changed. It wasn't the same, it wasn't happy, and for a long time, I've believed that if he'd stayed things all would have been different. It wasn't in his control, we were in elementary school, but I blamed him for my life for a long time. Also, my gram got really sick, I was emotionally all over the place, and him being there wouldn't have made that hurt any less. Really I still miss him sometimes without even knowing what kind of person he became. I just somehow think that if he had stayed, the laughing on the back porch, playing together when we were outcast, and generally having one another would have made some of the things that happened after that a lot better. I need to accept that I don't know what would have happened and he was never the one to blame for that.

Day 3: Something I have to forgive yourself for

When I was trying to figure out what I should say for this question, the first place I looked in my heart was for any regrets. A lot of things in my life haven't gone quite as I had hoped. The tougher answers deal with doing things to make people happy, trying to make things work that I knew full well would not, and walking away when I was too tired to fight for someone or something I really cared about.

There was a moment when I did all of those things. I was going through the first stages of divorce and I saw people dividing, wanting to take sides, trying to be supportive. I couldn't handle it. I didn't want people involved. I took my toys and walked away. Some people I'd been friends with for years who were just trying to figure out the best way to be supportive and I threw it all away.

At the time, I was so emotionally turbulent that I didn't want advice or sympathy because it didn't occur to me that the changes in my life did affect other people. It wasn't another decision, another day, and i wasn't the only one trying to deal with the emotions of the loss.

I have gained a few friends back that pointed out to me I had no right to just say, everyone be his friend. I think I was trying to be strong and a few people forgave me and came back into my life. There are also some people that I really miss, casualties of my decision that I'm pretty sure never really understood what I was doing. I need to forgive myself for hurting them or hurting myself--at this point, I'm not really sure. I just know that sometimes you make a decision and think something will be all right, but there are a couple people I miss having in my life, and I don't know if our paths will cross again.

Day 2: Something I love about myself

Sometimes it seems like a weakness, but the thing I love most about myself is my ability to feel. Emotionally, I connect and become passionate about people, causes, and companies which gives me a certain genuine enthusiasm. I like to be a part of something. I like to author my own story in terms of the stories I see around me, and I feel like the ability to empathize and view the world from multiple perspectives gives me a unique outlook. Sympathy allows me to understand a person's values and beliefs without having to share them. I have a talent to step forward when someone else is hurting and be that shoulder to cry on or ear to rant in. It is a strength that I have derived a lot of pain from, but I have learned so much that I wouldn't have it any other way. When I think about the things that make me uniquely LK, that sensitivity is at the top of the list. I would rather be a trustworthy confidant than a fair-weather friend or uninterested spectator in life--it's been said more than once that there should be more people like me. I take pride in my heart.

Dating Risk Assessment

There's desperate, there's crazy, there's even obsessed, but a new strategy I encountered today has me literally rolling in laughter.

I was speaking to someone that has tried to date me due to the fact he's seen me, at a bar, for karaoke. I generally don't date in the bar scene, and for sure, I am not interested in this particular gentleman, despite his constant perseverance.

Now, he knows this. He says he's fine with being friends, and I use that term loosely, because I never see him outside of a place I've decided to go, when I want to go there, and I don't tell him when I'm going to be there.

So today, he asked me about dating and if I was interested in seeing anyone, and in the course of the small talk, he said that he'd hate to see me get hurt. He said I shouldn't risk getting to know people that might not invest in a relationship long-term.

Yes, that's absolutely correct. I shall take no risk in trying to meet new people. See where this is going?

I would rather risk and get hurt a million times over, if it means I'll eventually find what I really want. To avoid risk is to promote settling for something that is not right, but rather something that happens to be there.

I want the best life that I can live--I want to move forward, I want to enjoy every moments. Settling leads to regrets, and it's better to live than always worry about the "what if" moments. I would rather do what is right, what is fun, and what interests me than settle for what is there. I'm reinventing myself and my life--it's not going to be second-rate or mediocre.

Even if on some minor level he was introducing a logical argument, any man that feels he needs to say something about why I shouldn't want to look elsewhere based on risk is only giving me stronger reasons as to why he's not even an option. 

Such a simple thing

I don't get it. For me, eating is like a trial of some kind. I have to constantly barrage myself with "eating" reminders so that I remember to do something that most people remember without thinking. It's like breathing, but not for me. Every meal, another okay I've got to take the time to do this moment.

I measure my diet's success by how many mornings I remember to eat breakfast (which at this point, means eating anything before noon at all). Today will mark the 12th day in a row I remembered to eat something for breakfast. In those twelve days, however, I still missed 3 dinners and 4 lunches so I'm really not making much progress. I only remembered to eat a healthy snack once, and that was yesterday (and I didn't eat dinner last night).

What is wrong with me?

Day 1: Something I hate about myself

I think it would be easy with a question like this to pick something superficial, possible to change eventually, but I'm not going to do that. There is a key part of my personality that when I get overstressed I try harder and harder to please the outside stresses (work, school, family) that I neglect what I need until I break.

It's a flaw that I've never quite managed to get rid of. On occasion I find a way to make sure to build in "me" time but I always eventually override it with responsibilities and favors. That day when I break, I feel like my whole body shuts down and turns off--I know it can't be healthy. At that point, I'm useless to everyone, even myself.

The Truth

A friend of mine had this on her blog so I decided I would give it a whirl too. It's called 30 days of truth. I feel like I've been rambling a bit lately, so this might help me to get a little more focused.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.
Day 14: A hero that has let you down.
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself.

A step to the left, a step to the right

A lot of people use the advice, keep moving forward. I'm not criticizing it, I think it's very valuable, but sometimes I really wonder how I'm supposed to do that when I lose a foothold and have absolutely no idea where I'm trying to go anymore.

Granted, I usually come up with a new plan promptly, but with all of the positive motivation mentalities, I think sometimes it's better to just sit down and breathe. Moving without a goal seems a bit foolish. Finding a goal is the first step. So I amend keep moving forward. I think we should stop, look, listen, plan, and then move forward. Preparation and planning has to increase the odds of success, right?

For the love of...

I sometimes wonder how my life experience is different from other people. I mean, it's different for everyone obviously, but how different?

For example, in order to make others fit into my life comfortably, I turn off my desires sometimes. It's not that I believe I don't matter or that I want to live to serve and make people happy, but how important is it that people are aware of what I would have rather had? I've tried to figure out if that's categorized as lying, but considering that after I turn off the desire and go with another's wishes, I really feel okay about it. I mean, is it really important to voice disappointment if the alternative turned out all right, maybe even for the best?

I think maybe the main problem with how I handle friendships is I never open up all parts of myself to the same person. I don't think it has so much to do with feeling vulnerable as it does I don't want to bore someone. I mean if we're linked by a common interest, I don't see why there would be a genuine interest in the other aspects of my life.

In this fast-paced society, it's not about really getting to know people, I feel like it's a constant cycle of speed-networking, finding something in common so that we're connected, moving forward, being there when we're needed in that capacity.

As I sit down though and look at the people I call friends, I do wonder how well people really know me. I think the reason no one ever tries to surprise me with anything is because I act like I really don't care about that kind of thing. Other than my family, I don't think I let anyone close enough that s/he'd even know how to surprise me. I'm not sure if that's a negative or positive. I like the idea of having a close network of friends, but in my experience, people move on. Even though it's easy to "stay in touch", it's really not the same.

I guess I feel a little bit like I've lost something along the way, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

I pulled one string past heart capacity

I'm feeling too many different things right now. Some of them are good enough to make me want to dance and eat breakfast in the morning. Others make me fold my hands together, placing my head on them as I lose a single tear down my cheek. It's amazing how many factors affect a single day. You can watch an exuberant child that makes you want to cry and laugh within moments, hold a hand that reminds you you're not alone and very much valued, or you can look into the face of death, sometimes begging it to cease another's suffering. They're moments all strung together making life both unbearable and unbelievably worthwhile.

I try to turn the negative into positive when it's possible. I want to believe that everything gets better, the world keeps turning, and there's some solution I should be searching for, a secret formula to life that makes it all easier. The truth is, that wouldn't be better. When there's been as much pain and downfall and ridiculous circumstance, it's much easier to recognize the true miracle of watching a child splash in a pool of shallow water and feeling the wind blow through my hair in the sunlight.

I doubt I'll ever stop wishing for things to be easier, but I can appreciate that things not being easy reminds me every step why I'm fighting so hard to make things better.

I can't tell if my heart is in my throat or in my stomach

I went to visit my grandpa this morning. Really it was less of a visit and more of a goodbye. For some reason, I thought it would be easier. We've expected his condition to deteriorate for some time, but recently he's taken a turn for the worse. He has Alzheimer's and he's approaching the last stages. He also has an infection that as I understand, will turn to pneumonia because he can't really eat and isn't strong enough to fight it.

The reasonable person inside me tells me that it's time, it's for the best, and it was time to go to say goodbye.

I said the most important words I know. At the end of the visit, I told him, "I love you," and I kissed him on the cheek. His eyes were staring at me, but I know that if he knew who I was, it was taking a lot to remember it. He squeezed my hand, held it a moment, laid back in his chair, and started drifting to sleep.

I was able to walk out to my car before the tears started. He is a strong man. He is a veteran, lost my grandma when I had barely entered middle school, and he's been fighting Alzheimer's for some time. I don't know if he'll be gone sooner or a bit longer, but I think that it was important to tell him I love him.

This year has already been heavy with death and this is one I'm expecting. I know now that's it's also probably going to hit me the hardest. I love my Grandpa and I'm very sad he's having to suffer, but I hope at least some part of him takes comfort in the love of his family.

The to-do list is longer than the to-don't list

I hear a lot of things in a typical day. Some of them are screaming, some are gossip, some are unwanted advice, some are useful tips, some are general conversation, and others are just rubbish thrown in that I barely comprehended. (In regard to that category, gibberish, child, and Spanish are frequently spoken in my vicinity and I have a very basic understanding which predisposes me to lack of understanding.)

I have so many notes now on how to list this, how to prepare that, how to wear that, how to write properly, how to determine the best course, how to choose the right drink, how to eat and exercise best, and a lot of the ideas I've written down conflict. There are so many things I am supposed to be doing. I don't even have time to think about the things I should not be doing. There are times I want to throw the whole mess out.

How do I end up with so much advice?

Oh right, that whole people caring about me aspect. Well, and listening to other people have conversations peaks my interest frequently.

I guess when you're trying to care for self and family and find a job and do your volunteer work and get to places you're needed and keep things tidy and organized and find time for quality time with family and friends and attend workshops and do necessary things like eat, get dressed, brush your teeth, sleep...it gets a bit muddled.

So, the next advice I want is how to build (or where to purchase) a time turner. I think that would be a grand idea that may resolve many of the issues I'm currently facing.

I'd rather focus on one good laugh

I feel like I'm forcing my life to happen right now. There's so much going on that I'm pushing through, feeling like screaming, but at the same time I feel some sort of irrational peace.

I've learned a lot in the past year about myself, my interactions with people, what to keep in mind, and what to ignore. It's that necessary chapter in the story where the girl gets to be a bit of a whipping boy, having her flaws thrown at her, but somehow manages to bring it all together. At least, I hope that's what I'm managing.

The past twelve months have been hard and I'm practical enough to know that it may get harder for awhile. I've teetered in between being able to handle it, not being able to handle it, criticizing myself at the way I handled it, and all in all, I'm still alive, my kids still love me, and I have made a few very close friends I can count on.

I have a tendency to judge myself harshly before I've even started a task. I've made significant advances in taking care of myself and not allowing negativity to rule my reactions.

I think it's easy to want an easy life where things finally fall in place but no one likes to talk about how much hard work is required in that process. I'm in the middle of my hard work and I'm going to make the best of it.

The only advice I have for myself (because I know there will be rough days that I fall into patterns and need to be reminded) is to take time when it's getting rough to do something fun. Without those little moments of joy, the rest just gets a lot harder. It's worth having to work after the kids go to bed if you get to smear your jeans with chalk, have coffee with a friend, or take a hike with someone you haven't seen in a long time.

With my own challenges, there have been tragic losses this year. I don't want people looking at my life and thinking that I never had time for them or I cared more about work than I did my friends or my family. The truth is, people make my life. I love meeting new people, spending time with them, being there when they need a shoulder to cry on or partner in crime to laugh with. Without those moments, the rest would be meaningless. I hope, when things get harder, I remember that I've only made it this year because of how loved I am. Hopefully, when others are feeling the way that I have, I can be there to remind them it's the good moments that make up for all of the bad.

Head ---> Desk

I don't know if I'm frazzled or distraught, sad or frustrated, upset or simply sick. There are way too many things occupying my mind right now and some of them should have remained insignificant, but I feel like everything is being magnified at least ten times for me emotionally. I'm hoping grabbing lunch and a short walk in the sunshine and fresh air is going to help, but I'm not sure that's going to be enough today.

Sting like a butterfly...

Let's face it...I'm not a very tough person when it comes to standing up against random things. It's easier for me to ignore it or make up reasons for it.

I feel like people make a lot of assumptions about everything. As a general rule, it's easier to think the worst than to hope for the best, but I wonder if that attitude is damaging the ability for people to connect.

Technology has made it easier. You type a line or two and send it off, any razor-sharp opinion or criticism on the web in less than a second. You can make friends with a button, delete them, message them, and generally interact without interacting. It can be seen as a problem or an opportunity. I feel that what I've been seeing lately is much more a problem though.

I waffle between wanting to put myself out there exactly as I am and protecting myself. Having words taken out of context, situations and conversations read into, intentions questions--honestly, it's really hard for me to handle.

I don't think anyone I care about wakes up in the morning and thinks, hey I want to ruin someone's life today or what can I do to make your life more inconvenient and crazy? I like to think that people have the best intentions and things just go awry sometimes.

But what do you do when something you've said or done or though gets put into a barrel and turned into something it isn't? What do you do when your integrity is questioned by someone without enough information to be judging? Turn the other cheek? Explain yourself? Fight?

I'd rather not do any of that. I hope that before I make assumption about people I ask them instead of ever assuming. It's so easy to make mountains out of molehills and I think it really damages the ability to be genuine.

If I've ever done this to you, I am sorry--I know I must have. As hard as I try not to judge a person, his/her intentions, and the general context of situations, I know I've messed up sometimes. Hopefully I can come up with ways not to in the future.

The Power of Drama

Just a thought...

Drama has the ability to tear it's victims to pieces,
squeezing their souls to mush,
unless the victim doesn't care,
then it doesn't have the power over anything.

Strive to Remember Compliments

I have a tendency to look at criticism and categorize and sort it in my long-term, permanent, iron-clad memory, but when it comes to compliments that make me feel proud, I take them, put them in the short-term, and forget them.

I received the nicest thank you note anyone has written me in a long time, not only because it showed appreciation, but it listed some of my strengths. I've decided to write it down so that I remember it:

LK: 
I just want to know that we appreciate you! 
So here are a few reasons why we appreciate you professionally and as a friend:
Also a few things I like about you:

• Your frugal sense is pretty incredible
• How you look at everything from various points of view
• How willing & ready you are to help others when you can
• How friendly you are to everyone
• How creative you are--you seem to have many groups/hobbies you're committed to
• How honest you are--you've helped me learn a lot as a leader
• Your generosity--breakfast buffet :)

I received it from my supervising leader and I feel quite proud to be myself today. I hope I can remember it on the days when I don't feel quite so good about being me. 

A Night at the Drive-In

I just had an amazingly delightful time at the Holiday Twin Drive-In movie theater. Strangely, everything about the stormy weather made the evening perfect.

Before the movies, the sky was mellow, allowing me and some of my colleagues to laugh and enjoy eating a few snacks while talking and joking about nuanced, trivial subjects. I don't get to see them out of meetings usually so it was nice to just hang out.

Right as the first movie was starting, it began to lightning closer to where we were and sprinkle a bit so one of my colleagues got in the car with me while the others went in the other vehicle. At first it was a little disappointing as we'd all hoped to watch together, but as the movie went on, I realized that my friend and I made a lot of similar jokes/remarks as the story unfolded. Where I usually feel awkward, I felt completely at ease.

I was also pleasantly surprised that as the weather got worse and worse, we both became giddy. It was fun to hear the rain fight against the metal of the car as Magneto moved metal onscreen. The hail also started during the end battle scene. It was as if the weather and the story coordinated to have their climax at the same time.

During the intermission, I got completely drenched going to the bathroom. I laughed the whole way there and back. I had forgotten how much fun it was to just be caught in the rain, hair going crazy, water dancing along my cheeks, soaking my clothes. At this point, I was looking forward to another commentary back and forth during Pirates 4, but unfortunately, my colleagues needed to get back home, so I was on my own in the car.

I was very uneasy at first, looking from car to car, worrying if I was the only person alone, and then I laughed at myself. It was a ridiculous thing to worry about (although I did lock my doors which I considered a sensible thing to do).

It was a little bit before the second movie began, but just as before, the rain was very light at first, but as battles raged with the great Captain Jack Sparrow (Who could have a bad night if it ended with Johnny Depp?), the rain grew harder. It really made the mood fun and engrossing because the rain and turbulent weather (especially during the mermaid fight scene) created an excellent environment that matched the movie.

I wouldn't call the movies I saw Oscar-worthy, but my experience certainly was. I need to remember to laugh at myself more and maybe accidentally find myself stuck in rain more often. I saw a long glimpse of the girl I am and want to be this evening, I wasn't so concerned with the details and let myself relax. I feel like the rest of this week is going to keep getting better and better.

A Little Perspective Please

I feel like I run into a lot of people that take a thumb tack and turn it into a mountain when it comes to problems. People should mention things that bother them or maybe get a little frustrated at the things that happen getting in the way of a positive end result, but I feel like the way things get blown out of proportion is simply ridiculous.

I think about people being told that they have cancer or that have a best friend get blown up in a war zone or taking too many drugs and ending up in rehab and suddenly a little inconvenience, a project behind schedule, and a person being rude during a presentation or having a birthday forgotten seems like background noise to me.

I get upset, probably a lot. I sound neurotic sometimes with the miniscule worries I allow to fill my head, running around trying to get things done, bringing myself to tears when I push the pain I feel too far, but I honestly wonder why I do it. Why does anyone do it? Instead of pushing forward, there are these mini-tantrums that take place when the complaints, the frustrations, and the sadness just pile up--we stop functioning. It's more about attention than perseverance and the degree to which that's counterproductive is immeasurable.

I think sometimes the idea that I "want" to be happy makes me forget that with how many things I do have that are positive in my life--I already am happy. I may want to achieve more or do better, but when it comes to the things that matter, I have the world. Hopefully I can remember that the next time I get frustrated.

The Socks Do Not Go In The Sandals

Unless you're two years old...I put my son in Teva shoes with socks because I don't want him to be uncomfortable with gravel in his shoes.

However, I saw a man in flip flops and socks today...how can that even be comfortable?

Awesome or Insane? Can't Tell by my dreams...

Wow, so this is my 100th blog post. I'm kind of impressed I've stuck with it.

Last night, I had an incredibly weird dream, one I'm not sure i can describe other than to people who are familiar with the newer Barbie movies (likely none of my readers), but I will try anyway.

I dreamt that I was at home putting things away and each time I finished a room it began to glitter and sparkle in a very cartoon-like way. By the end of the dream, I had wiped down, cleaned, and organized my whole house at warp speed. This was followed by a musical number that I was singing entitled, "Not a Clean Freak, but a Princess".

For the record, I am slightly concerned for my mental well being. I'm not sure how this combination of pain meds for my shoulder, organizing/cleaning, exercising, and watching Glee, the IT Crowd, Farscape, and Stargate SG:U has enacted with me long term, but I am both excited and terrified of what might be waiting when I close my eyes.

However, I do think that I would like a sparkling house in which I could perform crazy musical numbers--after all, it's fun to have a song for everything :)

Sweet Nothings

They may not be a lot, but little specks of love make me smile.

Her: I just want you to know that if you do meet someone that you want to date...it's ok. I mean it may or may not work out with her and if it does, great, and if not we'd still have a shot. I just don't want your life on pause because mine is on fast forward.
Him:  I know; just know that I want you in my life and I do think about you.

Feeling a Bit Dry Lately

I am not really a funny person...if I had a book of jokes, the punch lines would all fall flat and people would just stare at me. (How do I know this? Let's just say I had a book of jokes when I was younger and I can't say it did me a lot of good.)

Now, I'm not saying I'm not funny, however; my particular brand of humor can be slightly jarring at times. I've been told it's very hard to tell when I'm being serious and when I'm joking. Honestly, with some of the things I joke about, that concerns me--you all must think I'm some crazy, angry, violent, passive aggressive evil genius or something (ok, maybe not the genius part, but it made me feel better to add it in there).

Dry Humor:

• Deadpan is a form of comic delivery in which humor is presented without a change in emotion or body language, usually speaking in a casual, monotone or very serious, solemn, matter-of-fact voice and expressing an unflappably calm, archly insincere or artificially grave demeanor.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dry_humor

This definition describes my delivery. I'm not sure I'm actually "sarcastic" all of the time in the sense of the dictionary definition...

• Sarcasm is the rhetorical device of using a characterization of something or someone in order to express contempt. It is closely connected with irony, in that the two are often combined in the same statement.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarcasm

Although maybe sardonicism is a better description:

• Sardonicism (from Risus sardonicus, a convulsive laughter) is the expression of derision, cynicism or skeptical humor variously through comment, gesture or writing.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sardonic

I don't think I make jokes intended to jab at another person, but I guess it's hard to tell what I actually joke about because I sadly don't monitor every word that comes out of my mouth. either way, I'm starting to see that I'm either actually cynical or i joke as if I am cynical? Or maybe I'm only cynical about certain things? Either way, this dry humor thing might not be the most positive thing in my life. Am I even capable of being humorous around others without it? Or am I over-analyzing?

Too To Two

Today was an extraordinarily hard day. Aside from a work project going well, things were very off, some kind of tragic.

My day started with pain in my shoulder, like I have had the last few days. I was able to say happy birthday to my son who turned two today, but most of my attention was focused this morning on his over-energetic sister--it was a fight to get her to school on time (in fact, I almost failed at doing so).

After that and a few computer updates for work, I drove to wal-mart to get a sling and some heat packs for my shoulder. I had a conversation with my mom where I was rude and contrary while she tried to help. I wasn't even trying to be, but I guess being a little overwhelmed has taken its toll. I think I almost went from leaning/confiding/ranting to her to actually attacking her ideas because of how terrified and completely over-committed I am. I had a lot to think about after that...and I was mulling it over, at least while I painted with other Americorps VISTA members (which was fun).

On the drive home to work some more on scanning slides, the pain in my shoulder worsened (despite putting it in a sling as my mother had suggested to keep me from doing thing I shouldn't) and I started to feel sluggish. By the time the kids were picked up, I had to go to a doctor's appointment.

Really the day hadn't been horrible up to that point, it just hadn't been good. Horrible was when I got home and found that my little bubby had fallen asleep already--I missed spending any quality time with him after dinner on his second birthday. Damned shoulder, damned appointment...I know he doesn't know and he was happy for the time he had with me, but I know and I feel awful that we didn't have more time today. I feel like I'm running against a clock and I swear the day I beat it I'm going to have a party.

This disappointment was followed by a very somber phone call. One of the people I worked with, the son of my favorite professor, a man I respect and worked for---well, he was killed cycling across America by a car. So young, so vibrant and full of life, and the light is gone and put out now. I don't even know how to take the news really--I didn't keep up with him much after the summer we briefly worked together, but I do think about him every time I hear Johnny Cash. I expect that will continue, although I'm sure the smile will be sadder now.

I had a bit of fun this evening playing D&D but my heart wasn't all in it. I'm trying to process my day, honestly the whole thing makes me pretty tired. There is so much work to be done and I really just wish I could take a few days, sit down, and type out all of the things I'm thinking about, all of the things I worry about, need to do, want to do, am excited about--life feels so rushed. There's no time...and although I try, I cannot make time. I just really hope I am doing the best with the time that I have.